Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s28e01 Episode Script

Have you ever thought of changing that pinny? It's a clean pinny.
I'm not querying its condition.
It's the style.
What's wrong with the style? In a nutshell, it hasn't got any.
My mother wore this kind of pinny.
I've always worn this kind of pinny.
And while you keep wearing it, I have to tell you it's doing absolutely nothing to inflame my senses.
I'm never going to lose control at this rate.
I know what you HAVE lost most of your marbles! Women! You're a strange lot.
I've never understood women.
Mind you, I've never understood nuclear physics but then there are still some people whodo.
What's up with him? Has he eaten something? There's some funny bugs about.
It's all because he has to wear his best suit this evening.
Why do they hate getting dressed up? You wouldn't mind but they've all got best suits that look just as bad as their old suits.
He's going to an old friend's stag night.
You'd think it was a funeral.
I think I'd sooner go to a funeral.
If he's Norman Clegg's generation, how old is this dashing bridegroom? Nearly 80.
I hope they're not planning anything exciting.
Mind you, I don't remember it being all that exciting.
I know what you mean.
I don't know how we would have survived being newly weds if the house hadn't needed so much decorating.
But why is Doggy Wilkinson inviting us? I expect because everybody else he knows is dead.
You see! How crafty people are.
They must have known something.
It's only for a few hours.
I shall entertain the company with a few impressions.
We like the one where you do someone keeping quiet.
Why don't we skip this one and go to his next stag night? It only means having a drink with the man.
You've had a drink before.
It's having a drink in a best suit.
It always goes straight to your tight collar.
A tight collar's not compulsory.
But it's inevitable.
Your neck gets bigger but your shirt stays the same.
Some people are so wild and irresponsible, they'd probably buy a new shirt.
For one stag night? Sounds like your wallet's tighter than your collar.
But it's not wrapped round your neck.
Just spare a thought for Doggy.
Look what he's wrapping round HIS neck at his age! Where did he get Doggy? I've forgotten why we called him Doggy.
We shall ask him.
Provided, of course, that he doesn't bite.
Phwoar! This stuff shouldn't be available on the internet where anybody can see it.
Barry, what are you looking at? Philosophy.
You should see some of the ideas floating around here.
As long as it's only philosophy.
Only?! They come out with stuff that makes your hair stand on end.
Look out there.
What do you see? I can see it's time to paint the fence.
What fence? Our fence.
I don't expect you to paint next door's.
There is no fence out there.
There is no anything out there.
We just think there is.
And I think it still needs painting.
It's all in here.
It's only the way we see things that makes them look as if they're out there.
Actually, everything is in our heads.
Barry, if you can go out there with a pot of paint and paint it, then it's out there.
I hate it when you do that.
What? Make more sense than philosophy.
You don't have the qualifications.
You're not playing fair.
This suit, it smells a bit musty.
TRULY SPLUTTERS I may have to run an iron over it.
You'd be better running a lorry over it.
It's had its day, Cleggy.
It's hardly been worn.
I bought it for a wedding.
Whose? Mine.
There must be a bit of mildew in that wardrobe.
You'll have to do something with it, it's going to be lethal at 20 yards.
Twenty-five! Although, it IS a stag night.
They're not actually famous for people staying sharp and alert.
Maybe if I went and sat in a corner.
Or even next door.
What's this stag night we're all talking about? It may have been his stag night first time round.
At nearly 80, it's going to be more like a chapel supper.
Look at the time he's asked us to be there.
It's more like a stag teatime.
Oh, poor old Doggy.
I expect he'll have to be in bed by nine.
If he gets a sniff of this suit, he could be gone by eight.
The shed? Yes.
At the first sign of a harsh word, he locks himself in the shed.
Are you listening? We'll have to get a shed.
Does he sulk if you get mad at him? Lord, no, love.
He'd never be out of the shed.
Criticism just bounces off him.
He's not what you call the sensitive type.
I'm as sensitive as the next man.
Provided the next man is a football hooligan.
Travis is inclined to beartistic.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
It was his mother's fault.
She gave him piano lessons and a complete set of Shakespeare.
It's only me, Cleggy.
HOWARD COUGHS What are you doing? We're smelling Cleggy's suit.
He invites a few friends round occasionally.
To smell his suit?! Only the Sunday best one.
It's a bonding thing.
Grab a sleeve or something.
You're welcome to join us.
Just be warned.
You can't normally get stuff like this without a prescription.
I can smell it from here.
It's musty.
It'll do for Doggy's stag night.
He's probably lost most of his faculties, anyway.
And it seems only fitting that the library should take the initiative.
We should all cherish our local history.
There's a few round here with history enough for anybody.
Do you read your local history? I don't get much time for reading.
You should make time.
But readers are welcome here.
I love a good reader.
They make the best customers.
Oh, really? Why is that? They'll believe anything.
They're a shopkeeper's gift.
Oh, I wouldn't have thought so.
I've been tossed around a little in the storms of life.
I think you'd find me a harder nut to crack.
Although, I must admit the storms have been fewer lately.
Umbrellas.
How are you for umbrellas? No, thank you.
My storms are more emotional.
Love potions Oh, now, you can't really seriously expect me to believe? Local recipes.
You want local history.
This stuff goes way back.
Oh, well, I suppose if one views it from the standpoint of local history Are you sure this is not what you could call a bad idea? It's a good idea.
Doggy's going to need his stag night livening up a bit.
I think it's a great idea.
Oh, good heavens! So many male persons and just me.
I shall be completely out of my depth.
All three of us don't amount to a paddle.
I deny that.
In my case, even a splash.
Oh, Norman Clegg! You were always something a lady could cuddle.
We once shared a lift together and got stuck.
For three weeks.
Or shall we say 40 minutes? Well, it seemed like three weeks.
He was a great source of strength.
I still get the urge to squeeze him in a crisis.
You'd have to really squeeze.
You'd be tackling a vest, a shirt, two cardigans and a waistcoat.
Unless, of course, it was winter, when he puts something warm on.
No wonder we were overheating in the lift.
Speaking of overheating, we were wondering if we dare go so far as to ask you to become the, eh, surprise at a male-only event this evening.
Yes, you dare go so far! How do you fancy getting dressed up as a kissogram girl? How did you know I've always wanted a foothold in showbiz? Go steady.
He's nearly 80.
He's been twice round the clock.
Oh, well! I'll give him my shorter performance.
Why don't I practise on this? Mwah! Nn.
.
nnn.
.
! You see? I was right.
She's a natural for the job.
Come along, Norman.
Give us your opinion.
You had the experience.
How did it feel? I don't remember.
I was just hoping that I haven't lost any fillings.
Enjoy your coffee, ladies.
He's in a good mood.
What's up with him? Don't look at me.
I'm only responsible for his bad moods.
I don't like them in a good mood.
It unnerves you.
It's true.
I always think you can relax more when they're bored and miserable.
There's nothing worse than pleasure for ruining a good marriage.
Barry and I quite like a bit of pleasure.
It's a good job your mother's not listening.
It is amazing how you can get so used to boredom that you really find it quite comfortable.
Were your husbands really so boring? Oh, yes, love.
Credit where it's due.
They were quite good that way.
Oh, look at her little finger! Sorry.
It was compulsory where we were.
How did Travis cope? He did his best, bless him.
He tried to like gin and tonic, but I think they could see he was bluffing.
They didn't scare me.
I could hold my own.
We can see that from your drinking finger! I can't help it.
It's still in automatic.
Got everything you need, ladies? Can I get you anything? Will you stop being in a good mood? You're upsetting everybody.
What's up with you? What's up with me is for oncethis evening I shall be above suspicion.
Don't bet on it.
It's an all-male occasion with absolutely no reason to cause anyone the slightest concern.
Just the boys' night out at Doggy's stag night.
Repeat after me, "My husband is innocent.
" I told you.
It's not a stag NIGHT.
It's more like a stag afternoon tea.
When Doggy goes home to bed, what are we going to do for the rest of the evening? We're going to stop moaning, aren't we? It's Doggy's last free night.
Shows good spirit, man his age.
Not much sense but good spirit.
I'm determined to enjoy it.
It's a change, for once, to be above suspicion.
You're not tall enough to be above suspicion.
Most you can hope for is below suspicion.
Hey, hey, do you think this suit still smells musty? THEY SNIFF Smells like old hymn book.
When did you ever smell a hymn book? Sold vicar washing machine.
Borrowed hymn book to make good impression.
Sneaky beggar! Listen who's talking! How do, Barry? He never heard you.
Course he heard me.
He never moved! He's got something on his mind.
Yeah, like being dead.
Why would he be thinking about being dead? I'm not saying he's thinking about it.
I'm saying maybe he IS dead.
Course he's not dead! Barry? I told you.
Wha? What time is it? He thought you were dead.
Ye gods! Is it that time already? How long have you known her, then, Doggy? Who? Your bride-to-be! Oh, her! Right.
Yes, her.
How long? It must be, er Let me see I forget.
Wish I'd brought hymn book.
Who's he, then? This is Entwistle.
We thought we'd bring him.
We knew you wouldn't mind.
He smells musty.
No, that's me.
Remember me? He's not from round here.
No.
He's from Hull.
Entwistle! Remember name.
For anything electrical when setting up new home.
She does all that.
She does electricals.
If you don't mind a question from somebody musty, what's your good lady's name, Doggy? It'll come back to me.
How do you mean, there's nothing solid anywhere? Everything is made up of atoms and atoms are mainly empty space.
So what are we sitting on, then? I know it feels solid but the closer you look into things the more they disappear.
It's the same with him when there's a heavy job to do.
I hope you're not going to get bitter as you grow older, and lose all that sunny personality(!) No way.
I promise.
Part of my job is selling people insurance.
How am I supposed to do it now I know they're full of holes? Barry, you look to me like somebody who's so concerned, you might easily buy us all a drink.
I will.
Is that wise when we're full of holes? You're becoming a right chatterbox.
I have to be honest with you.
This is not as exciting as the first time.
Maybe second marriages are like that.
I thought first marriages were like that.
Mine was exciting enough.
I never knew what she'd throw next.
Women can't throw.
They're all jelly at the elbows.
They haven't got our wonderful muscular development.
Trust me to get one that could throw! Pearl can throw.
Maybe in a fashion.
What does she throw? Him, usually.
Men should seek good obedient wife.
And if not already married, I would too.
Could I draw your attention to the fact that this is supposed to be a night out? What are we doing sitting here moaning? At moaning we're doing rather well, I thought.
He's right.
And I'm sure if she was here, my oldwhat's-her-name would say the same.
I expect that's why he's getting married, so he'll be able to remember she's called Mrs Wilkinson.
That's if he remembers that he's Mr Wilkinson.
He's looking at me again.
Who's he, do you say? Sandy McPherson.
You should have brought your organ.
What did you do on your first stag night, Doggy? We had a good time.
I remember that much.
Oh! A lot like this.
Would you care to fill in a few details? I don't recall the details.
Well, there's a surprise(!) I remember standing on a table and singing.
Why not? It's not as if I'm past it.
Why don't we stand on the table and you sing sitting down? Sit down, Doggy.
Hold your water, you lot.
I'll get there in the end.
But which end? Pub tables are higher than they used to be.
Get this down your neck.
This is good for loss of memory.
Removes it almost entirely.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT # Good night # Irene! Thank you.
# .
.
Irene, good night, IreIrene # Can you believe he's never had a lesson in his life(?) # .
.
Irene I'll see you in my # dreams! # Argh! THUD! GLASS SMASHING Hey, who's going to keep an eye on the handcart? Who's going to pinch it? It's full of holes anyway.
Eh? Do you think she'll want to marry a drunk with a sprained ankle? You'll be sober by morning, Doggy.
And at your age, it's not likely that ankle's going to be under too much pressure.
Let's look on the bright side.
At least he fell off before he did too much singing.
I liked way he screamed.
The only true note he's hit all night.
Go steady.
Go steady! I hope my wedding night's not as rough as this.
What have we here? Auntie Wainwright's handcart! Pop back in the pub, Howard, and tell Tom and Smiler we're borrowing the handcart.
Medical emergency.
Is somebody injured? YOU, you cough drop! Ah! They've borrowed your handcart.
I knew it.
I told you we'd get it nicked! It hasn't been nicked.
It's been borrowed.
Doggy's sprained his ankle.
Already? He isn't even married yet.
Don't look now, but I think there's a Russian spy waving at us.
OhI think she wants somebody.
Poor soul.
I expect she's lonely.
I'm not surprised.
It's not safe on here.
I'm falling off! You're not falling off.
Where's Sandy? I'm pushing.
He's handy is Sandy.
Don't let mefall off.
Where are we going? You're going home.
I'm not going home.
I'm going to do what Ialways do on my stag night.
Sprain your ankle.
Kiss the girls goodbye.
First one I meet.
It's a tradition.
He's absolutely fearless except about falling off handcarts! There's nothing to it.
You just give 'em a kiss.
Lie down, Doggy.
Control yourself.
You're a disgrace to the ageing process.
You have to try.
Where are they going with a drunk on a handcart? Don't they need a licence? He's sprained his ankle.
It's his stag night.
We're taking him home.
His stag night?! Bit over the hill for marriage, isn't he? And he can't sing, either.
Bit early to be going home for a stag night.
He's usually in bed before nine.
He's nearly 80.
He's getting married? He doesn't believe in rushing, then.
There's life there yet.
Come and see.
You're being wicked, you know.
Well, you have to try.
First stranger coming, Doggy.
Pucker your lips and close your eyes.
How much has he had to drink? HE SNIFFS I'm falling off.
I'm falling off! You'll feel safer in a minute.
Gawd! Where's he going? Hush now, Doggy, before you sprain your clacker.
A man's entitled to moan on his stag night.
Not till he wakes up in the morning.
Now what?! You want to feel safe, don't you? What's he doing with that rope? We're going to make you safe.
You're not going to fall out now.
What's up with him? We think it's shock.
He's just kissed a policeman.
Don't tell everybody.
Are you sure it's not illegal, kissing policemen? Was he in uniform? Not in good form at all when we left.
Where is he? The policeman? I expect he's gone somewhere quiet to think about the perils of his profession.
Not the policeman.
Where's Howard? Maybe still in pub.
We sent him back with a message.
He was the obvious choice on account of his reliability.
You'll get no sense from them.
They've been drinking.
Nora Batty! I'll skip her this time.
I kissed her last stag night.
Oh! He never did! How was she? Marginally better than a policeman.
That should do it.
It does feel safer, but should you be anchoring the trousers of the bridegroom? He better not have company when I get there.
It's perfectly harmless.
Howard's with Tom and Smiler.
Whoops! Whoops what? The kissogram girl! You've got to get to Howard before Pearl does.
Quick! It works! It works! I'm safe as houses in these trousers.
Which is not usually the case for your newly-wed.
Watch it! Whoops! Oh! This is turning out to be livelier than my last stag night.
Oh, Glenda I'm looking for my Barry.
I think he's depressed.
I'm looking for my Howard.
I think he's going to be depressed.
How was I supposed to know it was you? Why are you wearing your uncle's raincoat? I feel I'm entitled to know what you're hiding.
Then fasten your safety belt, Howard.
Oh, Marina! Oh, it's draughty.
And it's going to get draughtier.
It wasn't for him.
It was for some other gentleman.
What do you do in your spare time? Home! I thought she was an old lady.
I was going to help her across the road.
Home! I thought it would be in a delicate little sort of perfume bottle.
It's the family size.
It works out cheaper.
Don't you breathe a word.
I'll explain.
You were under stress at the time.
We still didn't find out why he's called Doggy.
And HE won't remember.
The way he sings sounded a lot like a dog howling.
Pedigree, though.
I've never seen a man leave his trousers so fast.
At his age, it's probably a record.
I know she lives here somewhere.