Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s28e02 Episode Script
What Happened to the Horse?
How long are you going to be? You don't have to get dressed up just for me! Oh! Will you stop being so physical? You're missing an opportunity here.
Yes - but I shan't miss you with this brush next time! You should let me advise you on a makeover.
Have you had a look at you lately?! Maybe that's it.
Maybe we both should have a stab at looking more House And Garden.
I'm not saying I could turn you into Marilyn Monroe, but we might get as far as Matt! There's a place down there, look, crying out to be haunted.
You can't tell from here.
We'll have to check it out.
Doesn't look all that spooky.
Alvin looks worse than that! I'm built for adventure.
I'm not supposed to look like a dress designer! Funny - we always thought you did! "Very inventive with printed fabrics, that Alvin", they always say.
I still say that place will look spooky, once we invent a spooky story to go with it! I'm not going near there if it's really spooky.
You see! We've got one believer already.
Can we go? There's a place here that's being haunted by a cold draught! Through two cardigans and a waistcoat? It must be using a drill! I can't remember anybody of that name.
Oh, you do! Her mother had a bad leg.
It would have had to be a really bad leg to remember it all those years! She used to clean at the bank! With a bad leg? I think she also had a bucket and a mop! Where did they live? Oh, they've pulled it down since - er, Kelvin Street! No wonder she had a bad leg! What did he do? Her husband? Oh, I don't know.
But I know he wore a tie! That wouldn't go down very well in Kelvin Street! Obviously, they were at the better end.
I still don't remember their daughter.
What did she look like? Oh, a very bonny girl.
Oh, I always think that's asking for trouble.
Bonny's alright for children and small pets, but it just means trouble for grown ups! Are you saying plain is better? I'm saying it's safer.
Well, you can get into trouble if you're plain! Well, you can But I'm saying opportunities come less often - and you've more time to think! Nobody goes there? Ever? They've avoided it since 1789.
When he was first seen.
Who was seen? The dead tinker.
Playing his flute.
They say those who hear the tinker's flute People avoid the place.
Nobody goes there, Howard.
A tinker's ghost! I don't believe such rubbish.
Ah, but other people do.
You won't find anybody nosing about that place! Well I suppose it might be spooky at midnight, but I bet it's all right in daylight.
What time in daylight? Oh, I don't know.
Let's say, for argument's sake, about three o'clock in the afternoon.
Which afternoon? Does it matter? Any afternoon.
Let's say today.
Three o'clock this afternoon? No, I don't suppose it'll be spooky at three o'clock this afternoon.
The best time for not being spooky, is three o'clock in the afternoon.
They say it's the very hour when ghosts are most scared of people.
I never knew that! Of course, you have to allow one hour each way, for British Summer Time.
Although they do say there are some violent spirits who do not believe in British Summer Time.
Wellcan't stop here all day.
Things to do.
HE CHUCKLES Guess where he'll be at three o'clock this afternoon! Like I said.
Didn't I say? It looks like the kind of place that ought to be haunted.
Which it is, now.
Since 1789, when the tinker was buried here, in his lonely grave, together with his flute.
What's this flute bit? Well You need these little touches of detail.
Right! Where is he buried? I don't suppose he left an address.
I expect he was too busy with his flute.
So where do we say he's buried, then? What does it matter, if nobody knows exactly? It's better that way.
It adds to the mystery.
As long as they believe he was buried here somewhere! Along with his flute.
Yes, along with his flute! Let's be thankful he didn't play the piano! What was his name? Murdoch of Macclesfield.
Well, it doesn't sound very ghostly! I mean, more like a bakery! All right, then.
Irish Johnny.
That's better.
Now let's see.
How did he die? His horse fell on him.
It used to drink.
Well, they both used to drink.
Well, he WOULD have a horse, wouldn't he? As long as it didn't play a musical instrument.
Is he in pain? They're not good with pain.
They don't have to be.
They usually leave it to us.
Does he get migraines? He gets dafter, is what he gets.
He's not in pain.
He's being psychic.
How long has he been psychic? Oh, more than 25 minutes! I'm at the sink, and he comes in with this big announcement.
"Pearl, I'm psychic.
" They do.
They get dafter.
I couldn't live with anybody psychic.
You'd never know who they were thinking! What makes him think he's psychic? Well, for starters, he knew I wouldn't believe him.
He got that right.
Travis used to dream that he was going to drop dead in Cleethorpes.
I told him, "Travis, we never go to Cleethorpes - it'd be more convincing in Morecambe.
" It's all clear, ladies.
There are no malicious spirits in this immediate area.
Present company excepted, of course.
Ghost? Oh, I'm afraid I'm rather sceptical about ghosts.
I find men of flesh and blood know how to vanish quickly enough.
You're right.
It's probably just another local legend, like Auntie Wainwright's sale prices.
We were hoping you might have some information on where exactly he might be buried.
And what happened to the horse? It fell on him.
I hope it missed his musical instrument! But it wasn't dead.
It was only drunk.
So what happened when it sobered up? I usually have a bad head.
The horse was drunk? It was often drunk, though it would never admit to being more than a social drinker.
Why are you worried about the horse? Well, fancy waking with a blinding headache, and find yourself lying on a dead tinker! You're going to feel guilty - people are going to blame you! Who's going to feed you? How can you not wonder what happened to the horse? Well, I'm pleased to hear that at least the horse isn't a ghost! Oh no.
The only ghost people have seen wears trousers.
Not very clean trousers, since he's been buried in them.
And they've been slept in by a horse.
Not to mention beer stains, and the inevitable dribble from his flute.
How unpleasant! He is.
They say he looks terrible.
"Beware of the Ghost of Irish Johnny.
The wandering tinker.
" Playing his flute.
"When Irish Johnny plays his flute, that's the time for folk to scoot.
" I've never heard that rhyme before.
Is it well known? Oh, yes.
People used to raise their children on it round these parts.
I'm afraid I remain a disbeliever in your ghostly tinker.
They say people have heard him mending ghostly pots and pans.
A sound that chills you to the marrow.
Especially thin people like yourself, Miss Davenport, who only have a narrow marrow.
Dead since 1789, but still wandering.
Well, I can readily believe in men's tendency to wander, but People have heard him.
Heard the flute.
Greensleeves.
Always plays Greensleeves.
THEY WHISTLE GREENSLEEVES Yes, yes, I know the tune.
It sounds more ghostly on a flute.
It sounds lovely on a flute.
Anywhere else, maybe.
But not out there.
Not when he suddenly appears, looking like Or, as some say I know how you feel, madam.
You must be wondering why they let him into the library! Only me! Hello, Barry.
I saw your cousin Vera.
She says hi.
Aw.
Oh - the vicar rang for you.
He's ringing back.
What does he want? He didn't say, but it doesn't really matter, does it? You'll do it anyway.
I don't always do it.
You do.
People pick on you, Barry.
They know you'll never say no! I do say no! When? Well, er I wouldn't have you any other way.
But if you hate the idea of doing something, it's time you said no.
I will.
Hey! You're looking at Mr Makes Up His Own Mind! TELEPHONE RINGS That's probably him now.
Oh, er Tell him I had to pop out.
Australia.
Canada.
Pick up the phone, Barry.
Be nice, but tell him no! Well, we've seeded a local legend, we'll see if it flowers.
Well, I think the library was a good place to start.
Then why are you looking so doubtful? It's Irish Jimmy's horse.
I hate to think of it wandering about lost.
I mean, if it was a drinker, it might lose all sense of direction.
Norman! There is no horse! We invented it! I know that! But if we invented him, then I think we ought to look after him.
A SHOUT AND A SPLASH Especially if it gets hungover.
Sounds as if it's time to go.
You should have said no! I would have said no if I'd wanted to! Oh, you didn't want to say no? I was going to say no, and then I thought, "It's not a bad idea.
Why don't you do it, Barry?" He wants you to take over a part in a play, at the very last minute, without any preparation.
Hmm.
He says there's only a few lines.
It's mainly face acting.
I know that face.
It'll be green when it's time to go on stage! It's really quite flattering to be asked.
He must have heard I'd done some acting.
He must have heard what a gift you are to people who can't find anybody else! Come on! Tide well in! How about a ride? No, thanks.
I've got one.
What can you do? The man's from Hull.
So you missed the war, then? Yeah.
I was still at school.
Getting equipped for your future.
Yeah.
Look where it got me.
That's negative thinking.
You should be thinking that this could be a springboard to an executive career! Although in your case, you'd need a rocket.
What about staff training? What have you got to do to bring me on managerial-wise? I sent you out for a pizza.
Marinara.
What did you come back with? I get confused speaking Italian.
You're not that great with English.
What are you scowling for? Are you in pain? I'm thinking.
Oh, well, that explains it.
I didn't miss the war altogether.
I had this piece of a tail of a Messerschmitt! Where did you get that, then? I had to give this kid You were robbed - I was doing them for 15.
It was worth every marble.
It was the only thing that kept me going after Mother went.
Your mother died in the war? No, no, she just went.
Where to? I've no idea.
I came home from school, and there was this note.
She must have been thinking of you, then.
It said, "Your tea is in the pantry.
Love Mum.
" It was the last time I saw her.
I don't believe a word of it! I knew your mother - you drove her to distraction.
You used to go around telling everybody she'd left home.
I always fancied being an orphan.
You think Howard will come? It's a stone certainty, because he thinks nobody ever comes here.
That makes it his kind of place.
He likes remote places.
We think it's a love of nature.
Howard comes - sees recent fire - he'll know people come here! Not if he's been told it's a ghostly fire! Some people hear the flute.
Some people see the tinker.
And some people see the ashes of the tinker's ghostly fire.
And some people see the ashes of Alvin's ghostly socks.
His horse fell on him? It used to drink, apparently.
I never knew they did that.
I expect they need a little help from their friends.
What else are friends for? What does he do if he appears, this tinker? Well, they say he plays the flute! Although, of course, I'm inclined to disbelieve the whole thing.
It's so pedestrian.
So without emotion! I would have much preferred, say, two star-crossed lovers committing suicide.
I always think that's so romantic, don't you? I'd sooner have a cuddle.
Where is all this supposed to have happened? Oh, somewhere out there on the moors.
Shudder, shudder.
I've been in some funny places So I hear.
.
.
but you wouldn't catch me in that one! BELL RINGS CONTINUOUSLY Don't panic, lad.
We'll let you out on proof of purchase.
Where did you get this set-up from, somebody's dungeon? A defenceless old lady has to protect herself.
Defenceless? I bet you've got a black belt in martial arts.
I've got some very nice black belts with fancy buckles.
I want a flute.
You'll never hold your trousers up with a flute! That means you've got no flutes.
I can find you a very close alternative.
How close? Wait here.
I've got no choice, have I? I'm locked in! If he's supposed to be a legend, he's kept himself pretty quiet.
I've never heard of this tinker! There's no reference to him in the library.
They say some poor young woman drowned herself in the lock.
When was this? In Victorian times.
Oh, they were always drowning themselves in Victorian times.
I expect they couldn't go for a walk without hearing a splash.
It was all that black stuff they used to wear.
They were always dressed for a funeral.
I suppose they thought they might as well get on with it.
At least you couldn't see their tattoos.
Where do you find a nice young woman these days? They're all tattooed! They've all had strangers in places where they've no business to be.
Fancy admitting that you've had people in some of those places! It's brazen enough that they've been there, without letting them sign it! I wouldn't mind a little butterfly.
I hope your mother's not listening! I once had a heart with a name under it, but I had it removed.
Was it painful? Very! He swore he wasn't married! Was removing the tattoo painful? I'll never do it again.
You should never believe a word they say.
I know! But they deceive you in such interesting ways! They're not all out to take advantage of you.
Fewer and fewer these days.
Travis isn't devious.
He has a struggle keeping things simple.
Howard's ambitions are devious, but fortunately, the rest of him isn't fast enough.
You've got to keep men at arm's length.
You've got to keep your defences up.
It's been a while since we've been under threat! I believe in my Barry.
I shall be glad when the vicar's finished with him.
I don't believe in that vicar! I don't know what his Hebrew's like, but I'd be surprised if he's got past perils of the flesh.
I suppose they're still only men.
That's not an excuse - that's a confession.
Finger! Oh! Sorry.
His horse fell on him? The whole horse? In its entirety.
Flattened him like a length of tarmac.
You could have skateboarded on him! Flat as that? They say the coroner was tempted to keep him as a bookmark.
Big horse, then? Very sturdy animal.
You see how lucky you are with a handcart.
Its wheel keeps coming off! I've always wanted to see a ghost, but I've always hesitated, in case it was Glenda's mother.
Who said the place was haunted? People have seen him.
Heard him, mending ghostly pots and pans.
I must check this place out! Heard him playing his fl Sousaphone?! Greensleeves.
Greensleeves? He always plays Greensleeves.
SOUSAPHONE PARPS What kind of a play are you in? I've no idea.
I've only learned my few lines.
I rather like you in the hat.
Don't get carried away.
It's just the glamour of showbiz.
You're going to be early.
I'm going to make another call first.
There's something I want to check out.
Right, then.
Park it where Howard won't see it.
I'll park it where even Stinker won't see it! Tinker! Tinker! Here.
Right.
How do I look? Underdone.
He needs to look frightening - I mean, ghastly, scary! He usually manages quite well.
Just be careful.
Have you any idea what terrible wounds you can inflict with a sousaphone? He needs some make-up - dark rings round the eyes.
The morning-after look.
I know it well.
We could use the ashes from the fire! Ashes in your eyes? Why didn't I think of that(?) Aha! Well, you wait until we drop the horse on you! This time we've really cracked it! I've found us a place where nobody ever goes.
Including us, if it's much further! We're nearly there.
The times I've been under that impression! It's spooky, Howard.
That's what keeps people away! You can't help thinking, "What a good idea.
" It's all nonsense, this ghost business.
There's no such What is it? What is it? Somebody's had a fire! People that never come here have had a fire? SOUSAPHONE PARPS What was that? We're all right, unless it starts playing Greensleeves.
SOUSAPHONE PLAYS GREENSLEEVES Well done, Alvin! They're coming back! BOTH: The tinker! It's lonely out here.
Why are you lonely? You're with me.
The area.
The area's lonely.
I'd hate to be out here in t'dark.
When we're on nights, we've been out here in the dark.
I know.
I hated it.
You never said.
I were being brave, weren't I? It's just an empty landscape.
What's to be nervous about? They look nervous enough.
They're running from something! Probably his wife.
They say she's a bit fierce.
Did you see their faces? That weren't a wife look.
That were an "Oh, my God, what is it?" look.
So, go on then, what is it? I don't know, but it'll probably be coming round that bend any minute! Wouldn't we be safer in t'car? We're not supposed to be safe.
We're supposed to be investigating what it is! Safe sounds better.
Listen! It's coming.
Did you see his face? His face? He was gone so fast, I only saw his rear end! And you know why he was going so fast? Because there's something after him as well! And here it comes! What happened to the police car? What happened to the horse? It was adopted by a kindly old person who kept it in comfort.
Are you sure? Cross my heart.
Did it still drink? Only in moderation.
Yes - but I shan't miss you with this brush next time! You should let me advise you on a makeover.
Have you had a look at you lately?! Maybe that's it.
Maybe we both should have a stab at looking more House And Garden.
I'm not saying I could turn you into Marilyn Monroe, but we might get as far as Matt! There's a place down there, look, crying out to be haunted.
You can't tell from here.
We'll have to check it out.
Doesn't look all that spooky.
Alvin looks worse than that! I'm built for adventure.
I'm not supposed to look like a dress designer! Funny - we always thought you did! "Very inventive with printed fabrics, that Alvin", they always say.
I still say that place will look spooky, once we invent a spooky story to go with it! I'm not going near there if it's really spooky.
You see! We've got one believer already.
Can we go? There's a place here that's being haunted by a cold draught! Through two cardigans and a waistcoat? It must be using a drill! I can't remember anybody of that name.
Oh, you do! Her mother had a bad leg.
It would have had to be a really bad leg to remember it all those years! She used to clean at the bank! With a bad leg? I think she also had a bucket and a mop! Where did they live? Oh, they've pulled it down since - er, Kelvin Street! No wonder she had a bad leg! What did he do? Her husband? Oh, I don't know.
But I know he wore a tie! That wouldn't go down very well in Kelvin Street! Obviously, they were at the better end.
I still don't remember their daughter.
What did she look like? Oh, a very bonny girl.
Oh, I always think that's asking for trouble.
Bonny's alright for children and small pets, but it just means trouble for grown ups! Are you saying plain is better? I'm saying it's safer.
Well, you can get into trouble if you're plain! Well, you can But I'm saying opportunities come less often - and you've more time to think! Nobody goes there? Ever? They've avoided it since 1789.
When he was first seen.
Who was seen? The dead tinker.
Playing his flute.
They say those who hear the tinker's flute People avoid the place.
Nobody goes there, Howard.
A tinker's ghost! I don't believe such rubbish.
Ah, but other people do.
You won't find anybody nosing about that place! Well I suppose it might be spooky at midnight, but I bet it's all right in daylight.
What time in daylight? Oh, I don't know.
Let's say, for argument's sake, about three o'clock in the afternoon.
Which afternoon? Does it matter? Any afternoon.
Let's say today.
Three o'clock this afternoon? No, I don't suppose it'll be spooky at three o'clock this afternoon.
The best time for not being spooky, is three o'clock in the afternoon.
They say it's the very hour when ghosts are most scared of people.
I never knew that! Of course, you have to allow one hour each way, for British Summer Time.
Although they do say there are some violent spirits who do not believe in British Summer Time.
Wellcan't stop here all day.
Things to do.
HE CHUCKLES Guess where he'll be at three o'clock this afternoon! Like I said.
Didn't I say? It looks like the kind of place that ought to be haunted.
Which it is, now.
Since 1789, when the tinker was buried here, in his lonely grave, together with his flute.
What's this flute bit? Well You need these little touches of detail.
Right! Where is he buried? I don't suppose he left an address.
I expect he was too busy with his flute.
So where do we say he's buried, then? What does it matter, if nobody knows exactly? It's better that way.
It adds to the mystery.
As long as they believe he was buried here somewhere! Along with his flute.
Yes, along with his flute! Let's be thankful he didn't play the piano! What was his name? Murdoch of Macclesfield.
Well, it doesn't sound very ghostly! I mean, more like a bakery! All right, then.
Irish Johnny.
That's better.
Now let's see.
How did he die? His horse fell on him.
It used to drink.
Well, they both used to drink.
Well, he WOULD have a horse, wouldn't he? As long as it didn't play a musical instrument.
Is he in pain? They're not good with pain.
They don't have to be.
They usually leave it to us.
Does he get migraines? He gets dafter, is what he gets.
He's not in pain.
He's being psychic.
How long has he been psychic? Oh, more than 25 minutes! I'm at the sink, and he comes in with this big announcement.
"Pearl, I'm psychic.
" They do.
They get dafter.
I couldn't live with anybody psychic.
You'd never know who they were thinking! What makes him think he's psychic? Well, for starters, he knew I wouldn't believe him.
He got that right.
Travis used to dream that he was going to drop dead in Cleethorpes.
I told him, "Travis, we never go to Cleethorpes - it'd be more convincing in Morecambe.
" It's all clear, ladies.
There are no malicious spirits in this immediate area.
Present company excepted, of course.
Ghost? Oh, I'm afraid I'm rather sceptical about ghosts.
I find men of flesh and blood know how to vanish quickly enough.
You're right.
It's probably just another local legend, like Auntie Wainwright's sale prices.
We were hoping you might have some information on where exactly he might be buried.
And what happened to the horse? It fell on him.
I hope it missed his musical instrument! But it wasn't dead.
It was only drunk.
So what happened when it sobered up? I usually have a bad head.
The horse was drunk? It was often drunk, though it would never admit to being more than a social drinker.
Why are you worried about the horse? Well, fancy waking with a blinding headache, and find yourself lying on a dead tinker! You're going to feel guilty - people are going to blame you! Who's going to feed you? How can you not wonder what happened to the horse? Well, I'm pleased to hear that at least the horse isn't a ghost! Oh no.
The only ghost people have seen wears trousers.
Not very clean trousers, since he's been buried in them.
And they've been slept in by a horse.
Not to mention beer stains, and the inevitable dribble from his flute.
How unpleasant! He is.
They say he looks terrible.
"Beware of the Ghost of Irish Johnny.
The wandering tinker.
" Playing his flute.
"When Irish Johnny plays his flute, that's the time for folk to scoot.
" I've never heard that rhyme before.
Is it well known? Oh, yes.
People used to raise their children on it round these parts.
I'm afraid I remain a disbeliever in your ghostly tinker.
They say people have heard him mending ghostly pots and pans.
A sound that chills you to the marrow.
Especially thin people like yourself, Miss Davenport, who only have a narrow marrow.
Dead since 1789, but still wandering.
Well, I can readily believe in men's tendency to wander, but People have heard him.
Heard the flute.
Greensleeves.
Always plays Greensleeves.
THEY WHISTLE GREENSLEEVES Yes, yes, I know the tune.
It sounds more ghostly on a flute.
It sounds lovely on a flute.
Anywhere else, maybe.
But not out there.
Not when he suddenly appears, looking like Or, as some say I know how you feel, madam.
You must be wondering why they let him into the library! Only me! Hello, Barry.
I saw your cousin Vera.
She says hi.
Aw.
Oh - the vicar rang for you.
He's ringing back.
What does he want? He didn't say, but it doesn't really matter, does it? You'll do it anyway.
I don't always do it.
You do.
People pick on you, Barry.
They know you'll never say no! I do say no! When? Well, er I wouldn't have you any other way.
But if you hate the idea of doing something, it's time you said no.
I will.
Hey! You're looking at Mr Makes Up His Own Mind! TELEPHONE RINGS That's probably him now.
Oh, er Tell him I had to pop out.
Australia.
Canada.
Pick up the phone, Barry.
Be nice, but tell him no! Well, we've seeded a local legend, we'll see if it flowers.
Well, I think the library was a good place to start.
Then why are you looking so doubtful? It's Irish Jimmy's horse.
I hate to think of it wandering about lost.
I mean, if it was a drinker, it might lose all sense of direction.
Norman! There is no horse! We invented it! I know that! But if we invented him, then I think we ought to look after him.
A SHOUT AND A SPLASH Especially if it gets hungover.
Sounds as if it's time to go.
You should have said no! I would have said no if I'd wanted to! Oh, you didn't want to say no? I was going to say no, and then I thought, "It's not a bad idea.
Why don't you do it, Barry?" He wants you to take over a part in a play, at the very last minute, without any preparation.
Hmm.
He says there's only a few lines.
It's mainly face acting.
I know that face.
It'll be green when it's time to go on stage! It's really quite flattering to be asked.
He must have heard I'd done some acting.
He must have heard what a gift you are to people who can't find anybody else! Come on! Tide well in! How about a ride? No, thanks.
I've got one.
What can you do? The man's from Hull.
So you missed the war, then? Yeah.
I was still at school.
Getting equipped for your future.
Yeah.
Look where it got me.
That's negative thinking.
You should be thinking that this could be a springboard to an executive career! Although in your case, you'd need a rocket.
What about staff training? What have you got to do to bring me on managerial-wise? I sent you out for a pizza.
Marinara.
What did you come back with? I get confused speaking Italian.
You're not that great with English.
What are you scowling for? Are you in pain? I'm thinking.
Oh, well, that explains it.
I didn't miss the war altogether.
I had this piece of a tail of a Messerschmitt! Where did you get that, then? I had to give this kid You were robbed - I was doing them for 15.
It was worth every marble.
It was the only thing that kept me going after Mother went.
Your mother died in the war? No, no, she just went.
Where to? I've no idea.
I came home from school, and there was this note.
She must have been thinking of you, then.
It said, "Your tea is in the pantry.
Love Mum.
" It was the last time I saw her.
I don't believe a word of it! I knew your mother - you drove her to distraction.
You used to go around telling everybody she'd left home.
I always fancied being an orphan.
You think Howard will come? It's a stone certainty, because he thinks nobody ever comes here.
That makes it his kind of place.
He likes remote places.
We think it's a love of nature.
Howard comes - sees recent fire - he'll know people come here! Not if he's been told it's a ghostly fire! Some people hear the flute.
Some people see the tinker.
And some people see the ashes of the tinker's ghostly fire.
And some people see the ashes of Alvin's ghostly socks.
His horse fell on him? It used to drink, apparently.
I never knew they did that.
I expect they need a little help from their friends.
What else are friends for? What does he do if he appears, this tinker? Well, they say he plays the flute! Although, of course, I'm inclined to disbelieve the whole thing.
It's so pedestrian.
So without emotion! I would have much preferred, say, two star-crossed lovers committing suicide.
I always think that's so romantic, don't you? I'd sooner have a cuddle.
Where is all this supposed to have happened? Oh, somewhere out there on the moors.
Shudder, shudder.
I've been in some funny places So I hear.
.
.
but you wouldn't catch me in that one! BELL RINGS CONTINUOUSLY Don't panic, lad.
We'll let you out on proof of purchase.
Where did you get this set-up from, somebody's dungeon? A defenceless old lady has to protect herself.
Defenceless? I bet you've got a black belt in martial arts.
I've got some very nice black belts with fancy buckles.
I want a flute.
You'll never hold your trousers up with a flute! That means you've got no flutes.
I can find you a very close alternative.
How close? Wait here.
I've got no choice, have I? I'm locked in! If he's supposed to be a legend, he's kept himself pretty quiet.
I've never heard of this tinker! There's no reference to him in the library.
They say some poor young woman drowned herself in the lock.
When was this? In Victorian times.
Oh, they were always drowning themselves in Victorian times.
I expect they couldn't go for a walk without hearing a splash.
It was all that black stuff they used to wear.
They were always dressed for a funeral.
I suppose they thought they might as well get on with it.
At least you couldn't see their tattoos.
Where do you find a nice young woman these days? They're all tattooed! They've all had strangers in places where they've no business to be.
Fancy admitting that you've had people in some of those places! It's brazen enough that they've been there, without letting them sign it! I wouldn't mind a little butterfly.
I hope your mother's not listening! I once had a heart with a name under it, but I had it removed.
Was it painful? Very! He swore he wasn't married! Was removing the tattoo painful? I'll never do it again.
You should never believe a word they say.
I know! But they deceive you in such interesting ways! They're not all out to take advantage of you.
Fewer and fewer these days.
Travis isn't devious.
He has a struggle keeping things simple.
Howard's ambitions are devious, but fortunately, the rest of him isn't fast enough.
You've got to keep men at arm's length.
You've got to keep your defences up.
It's been a while since we've been under threat! I believe in my Barry.
I shall be glad when the vicar's finished with him.
I don't believe in that vicar! I don't know what his Hebrew's like, but I'd be surprised if he's got past perils of the flesh.
I suppose they're still only men.
That's not an excuse - that's a confession.
Finger! Oh! Sorry.
His horse fell on him? The whole horse? In its entirety.
Flattened him like a length of tarmac.
You could have skateboarded on him! Flat as that? They say the coroner was tempted to keep him as a bookmark.
Big horse, then? Very sturdy animal.
You see how lucky you are with a handcart.
Its wheel keeps coming off! I've always wanted to see a ghost, but I've always hesitated, in case it was Glenda's mother.
Who said the place was haunted? People have seen him.
Heard him, mending ghostly pots and pans.
I must check this place out! Heard him playing his fl Sousaphone?! Greensleeves.
Greensleeves? He always plays Greensleeves.
SOUSAPHONE PARPS What kind of a play are you in? I've no idea.
I've only learned my few lines.
I rather like you in the hat.
Don't get carried away.
It's just the glamour of showbiz.
You're going to be early.
I'm going to make another call first.
There's something I want to check out.
Right, then.
Park it where Howard won't see it.
I'll park it where even Stinker won't see it! Tinker! Tinker! Here.
Right.
How do I look? Underdone.
He needs to look frightening - I mean, ghastly, scary! He usually manages quite well.
Just be careful.
Have you any idea what terrible wounds you can inflict with a sousaphone? He needs some make-up - dark rings round the eyes.
The morning-after look.
I know it well.
We could use the ashes from the fire! Ashes in your eyes? Why didn't I think of that(?) Aha! Well, you wait until we drop the horse on you! This time we've really cracked it! I've found us a place where nobody ever goes.
Including us, if it's much further! We're nearly there.
The times I've been under that impression! It's spooky, Howard.
That's what keeps people away! You can't help thinking, "What a good idea.
" It's all nonsense, this ghost business.
There's no such What is it? What is it? Somebody's had a fire! People that never come here have had a fire? SOUSAPHONE PARPS What was that? We're all right, unless it starts playing Greensleeves.
SOUSAPHONE PLAYS GREENSLEEVES Well done, Alvin! They're coming back! BOTH: The tinker! It's lonely out here.
Why are you lonely? You're with me.
The area.
The area's lonely.
I'd hate to be out here in t'dark.
When we're on nights, we've been out here in the dark.
I know.
I hated it.
You never said.
I were being brave, weren't I? It's just an empty landscape.
What's to be nervous about? They look nervous enough.
They're running from something! Probably his wife.
They say she's a bit fierce.
Did you see their faces? That weren't a wife look.
That were an "Oh, my God, what is it?" look.
So, go on then, what is it? I don't know, but it'll probably be coming round that bend any minute! Wouldn't we be safer in t'car? We're not supposed to be safe.
We're supposed to be investigating what it is! Safe sounds better.
Listen! It's coming.
Did you see his face? His face? He was gone so fast, I only saw his rear end! And you know why he was going so fast? Because there's something after him as well! And here it comes! What happened to the police car? What happened to the horse? It was adopted by a kindly old person who kept it in comfort.
Are you sure? Cross my heart.
Did it still drink? Only in moderation.