Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s28e04 Episode Script

What do you want? I'm glad I caught you in a good mood.
It's good enough for present circumstances.
What do you want? Information.
Who married Gladys Henshaw? That lad of Betty Renfield's.
Not Terence.
The other one.
Erm, Lesley.
What do you want to know for? Just testing.
I tell everybody you're the local encyclopaedia.
The cover's a bit worn, but you'd be very handy on anybody's shelf.
I can't get Travis out of the house.
I can't keep mine in.
I don't know when he last took me out for a meal.
And then it had to be a place with a big menu.
Oh, does he eat a lot? Oh, no.
He just likes the menu to be big so he can hide his face.
Is he really as shy as that? Travis can blush at a hundred yards.
I've never seen him naked.
I say this not out of any spirit of complaint, just to give you some idea.
You've not missed anything worth losing any sleep about.
But I do miss going out for a meal.
I think the last time we went was on honeymoon.
He went white when he saw the bill, which was more emotion than he'd shown all week.
And I've been cooking ever since.
I wonder if we tried starving them out.
Where are we going? Tell me where we're going.
Keep going.
Stop asking questions.
You're in a funny mood today.
And it gets funnier.
Pull over there.
Why are we stopping here? What a man for questions you are.
"Where are we going?" "Why are we stopping?" You've got another man.
You've brought me way out here so nobody will see me when I break down.
Stop dramatising.
How long has it been going on? There you go again - questions.
Don't you like a little mystery in your life? Glenda, I work for a financial institution.
And it's beginning to show.
A picnic? I haven't got time for a picnic.
Well, it's time you made time, Barry.
Let's find a spot.
Why didn't you give me a bit of warning? Because you would have said you were busy.
I AM busy! You see? There's a lot of world out there, Barry.
Who is he? There is no "Who is he?"! Look at the world out there, Barry.
Done that.
Now what? All that world, Barry, and look at us, two tiny insects.
And how long are we going to be here to enjoy it? Kiss me, Barry! What, out here? Out here, out there, anywhere.
It's time you had a little something more than finance, Barry, in your life.
Happy birthday, Barry.
It's not me birthday.
That's what you think, boyo.
Come on! It's playtime.
Remember? We used to do this.
Glenda! Relax.
Let yourself go before you forget how.
Agh! Glenda! Help! No, I don't think it would have been a good idea to ask for a lift.
Why didn't WE bring some trays? And behave like idiots? Maybe next time.
"That'll be Alvin," they'll say, "with his racing tray.
" "That'll be Alvin," they'll say, "still daft as a brush.
" A man sticks with what he does best.
Yeah, well, with me, that's breathing.
I like to keep breathing.
It's very low-tech, of course, and sometimes it gets a bit boring.
But no, I like to keep breathing.
When you were in your, erm, not quite regular relationships You don't always realise, at first, that they're "not quite regular".
And by the time you find out, it's too late.
I know the feeling.
They say they're not married.
You can hardly ask for identification.
Of course, this is just a hypothetical question, but if you were in a not quite regular relationship, would you expect him to take you out somewhere nice occasionally? Absolutely! You must insist, otherwise you'll get your fill of Mother Nature.
You are so right.
I have been nettled in places that few people have ever even seen.
Ah! What's good if you're thinking of eating out? Money.
Where's a nice place to take a wife? Whose wife? My wife.
You're going to take Pearl out for a meal? Well, what's so surprising about a man taking his wife out for a meal? She must have caught you big time this time, Howard.
What have you been up to? Oh, don't ask him.
He'll only lie.
I haven't been up to anything.
Told you so.
Look, all I want to know is what you recommend.
Just keep lying, Howard.
It's cheaper than eating out.
Where's a good restaurant to take your wife? You'll be needing a dinner suit, then.
Not that good.
Just a decent place with a friendly atmosphere.
You and Pearl in a friendly atmosphere? How are you going to handle that? You've had no experience.
I want somewhere not too expensive.
Ooh, that's a terrible attitude.
It makes me grow quite cold.
It's no good asking me.
I've never eaten out.
You took that bird for a meal.
She left me when I went to order the meal.
I knew I should have gone with you.
How much were you planning to spend? I dare say I could soon knock something up in the kitchen.
I want somewhere quiet and respectable.
All right.
The dining room.
That pub up the valley's changed hands.
They say the food's good.
How come this woman didn't wait for the meal? I've no idea.
All I know is when I got back outside, she'd gone, leaving me holding fish and chips twice.
No mushy peas? No wonder she left you.
You know, I sometimes think that lass deserves a meal.
Me too.
He dragged her everywhere else.
But isn't he taking Pearl out? Sometime, but when? I think he needs nailing down to a definite time and place.
Ah! What a happy coincidence.
It is for me.
I haven't seen a hat raised since bonfire night.
And that was on fire.
Er, we were hoping to catch you.
It's never difficult.
I soon run out of steam when I'm chased.
We were asked to enquire if you'd care to go out for a meal.
Would I! There are gentlemen who never take a lady anywhere civilised.
It's always outdoors.
I don't know how much fresh air they think a girl needs.
Oh, things could be looking up.
Tell her.
Tell her what? I knew it.
You weren't paying attention.
If a person had any respect for a person, you'd think they might take her for a meal occasionally.
Funny you should say that.
What did he say to us only this morning? You remember.
"I must take her for a meal," he said.
Oh, that this morning.
He said that? "I don't care what the risks are," he said.
"I owe that shy young creature an evening of civilised dining," he said.
"With wine and after-dinner mints.
" With wine and after-dinner mints? Oh, Mother warned me about that.
Did he say when? Tonight.
"I'll do it tonight," he said, his eyes flashing.
Good gracious! Sounds like he means business.
And I thought we were just going for a bicycle ride.
"I mean business," he said.
"Tell her - tonight!" That doesn't leave a girl much time to do things with her best features.
"If you see her before me", he said, "you could tell her.
" "The Fox & Duck," he said.
"Seven o'clock.
" "And not just a bar meal.
" Good gracious! What can he mean, "Not just a bar meal"? What? How does the Fox & Duck sound? Well, one goes "quack quack".
Tonight.
Us.
Just me and you.
The Fox & Duck.
And not just a bar meal.
Well, well! You finally got the message.
I would probably have thought about it anyway.
Oh, of course.
But listen, I don't want you throwing a wobbler when the bill comes.
As if I would! Well, it was embarrassing enough last time, you looking all white and shaky on our honeymoon.
It was only for a couple of days.
Right! How are we going to get to the Fox & Duck? Are you going to spring for a taxi? Don't panic.
I'll pay for the taxi.
But we can take Nelly.
She never gets Travis to take her anywhere.
Who's paying for Nelly? You're going white again.
They're cooking up something.
When they get their heads together like that, they make you feel guilty for trying to listen.
You know what I hate most about people who lower their voices and start whispering? You can't hear a damned thing! I think it's best to ignore them.
Oh, you don't really.
I do.
Until there's a chance we can hear what they're saying! Serves him right.
He never takes Marina for a meal.
He's always dragging her through the underbrush.
Mm.
He must have nerves of steel.
If anybody deserves her woodcraft badge! The poor woman's spent her life being whisked about the wilderness.
She must be ready for a meal.
It's time he took her for a meal.
So, you've told Marina that Howard is going to take her out, but who's going to break the news to Howard? We haven't seen him yet.
You know what it's like.
There's never a Howard when you want one.
It's so unlikely that anyone's going to want one.
Er, so I said, "What about Castle Street?" Oh! What about Castle Street? Er, w-well Did they have two cups of tea? Oh, Howard! The Fox & Duck! You've heard? A little bird told me.
Two, actually.
Which two? You mustn't be jealous, but I was chatting with Truly and Alvin.
Oh.
You're sure you're not upset? Because it means I have to change our plans for this evening.
Oh, Howard! It was just another old bicycle ride.
Taking your lady to the Fox & Duck is a much higher priority.
I think it's very understanding of you to realise there are times when circumstances force a change of plans.
I like to think I'm ready for any circumstance.
There are times when you have to bow to pressure.
I've bowed a few times myself.
When people get really serious about being taken out, what can you do? You can only do what you've done.
I think it's very gentlemanly of you.
You've no idea what a relief this is, finding you in this mood.
I have moods for every occasion, Howard.
After the after-dinner mints, perhaps we can run through a few.
The Fox & Duck, then.
I'll be there at seven.
Tonight? I didn't get much notice either.
Yes, the Fox & Duck tonight.
Well, what brought this on? Has he gone funny? Oh, he occasionally has a good idea, especially when it's really one of mine.
You're looking flustered.
I expect it's the excitement.
Going out for a meal? What's so exciting? Well, it is for me.
I rarely get the chance.
Going out for a meal can be more exciting than people think.
I don't remember it being all that exciting last time we went.
But at least it's a change.
Change? That's a good idea.
It's all been a bit short notice.
If tonight's not convenient, Nelly, we can all go some other night.
No! No, no, tonight is fine.
And fine by me, too.
We're going tonight.
Oh, goody Where's he going now? I'm going to kill er, consult somebody.
We didn't know you were already going there tonight.
Life is full of these little coincidences.
You'll laugh at it later.
You think so? Well, maybe not till after the divorce.
'Ey, you'll probably get custody of your bicycle.
Stop winding him up.
Be reasonable, Howard.
I mean, how often do you take Pearl out for a meal? You knew I was taking her out! We knew you were thinking about it.
But you usually chicken out and lose your financial nerve.
I'm dead.
I'm a dead man.
Severely wounded, more likely.
Calm down.
We'll think of something.
Calm down? I'll be sharing a table with three females.
Who do I introduce first, the wife or the lady friend? Start with the one that likes surprises.
It may be a bit tricky during the starters, but by the main course you may all have found a common interest.
Yes, and it'll be me! They'll all want me dead.
Relax.
They got you into this, but they'll get you out.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Travis, when I said you could phone me, I didn't mean as soon as I'd left the house.
Of course I'll be careful.
Just tell me, at my age, what I'm supposed to be careful of.
Yes, I admit.
I did put some lipstick on.
Purely as self-defence.
I've no plans for attack.
Travis, make yourself a cocoa.
Oh, you made it, then! I was hoping you didn't have a fall or twist your ankle or anything.
He's in a festive mood(!) What's up with him? Financial panic.
All he keeps saying is, "Are you sure you wouldn't rather we sent out for a pizza?" He said the Fox & Duck.
Till he heard this was better.
"I'm not taking her anywhere second best," he said.
She wants a treat, she gets the best.
How encouraging! Did he give any indication of how comprehensive a treat? "Make sure she gets there safely," he said.
Safety first.
That's Howard.
He's always better at safety than treats.
"I'll be there," he said, "as soon as I've finished capturing this savage dog.
" Heavens! He's not doing anything reckless, is he? Well, he didn't say what his plans were for later.
Oh! What's he doing with a savage dog? They always call him to savage dogs.
Howard? Some people wrestle crocodiles.
Howard does dogs.
I never knew that.
Has this almost magical powers over wild things.
Sworn never to use it for personal advantage.
I can vouch for that.
Not wise to snarl in his ear.
Actually, I've always found him very restful, despite several opportunities.
I'll just have something light.
Since when? You'll have your usual.
I'm not starting feeding you when you get home.
What's his usual? Twice as much as everybody else.
Travis is quite a dainty eater.
He can make a ginger biscuit last longer than a set of tyres.
Howard's built for speed.
How does he stay so slim? It's worry.
Oh, what's he got to worry about? Me.
Excuse me.
I must go and wash me hands.
Order for me.
He's a bundle of nerves.
You think he's bad now? Wait till he gets the bill.
Now, you tell Marina that you can't stop because you've got to go for your tetanus injection.
I hate needles! No, you don't, you laugh at needles.
And you laugh at savage dogs.
How much Howard require bandaging? Oh, give him plenty.
He's got to excite the woman's sympathy.
And remember, you've got to be back here before the soup comes.
And guess what's in the soup.
Me.
Nobody does it better, Howard.
I like it out here, away from the mad rush.
That driver's looking for an accident.
The guy in the back was already dressed for it.
Well, don't you think we ought to book him? You'd pick on an invalid? You're right.
I'm ashamed.
And they say we have no heart.
Feels good, doesn't it? What? Being kind to the less fortunate.
That's what it's all about.
Now, let's get the story straight.
You rescued this little child from the jaws of this savage dog, then you limped away bleeding without even leaving a name and address.
As you do.
So nobody knows who this brave guy was? Correct.
There were dozens of witnesses, but you insisted on remaining anonymous.
One of bravest things you've never done.
Well, couldn't I have been recognised by maybe just one? Forget it.
I think there should have been a bit of fuss.
Nothing heavy.
A few chaps shaking me by the hand.
The grateful mother giving me a kiss.
You know the kind of thing.
Little human details.
Stick to the script.
Keep it simple.
And let's have the right expression.
You're bravely trying to hide that you're in pain.
You can do better than that.
Allow me.
People from Hull know all about pain.
That's it.
Pain.
Pain.
What's Miss Davenport doing here? We asked her here.
She's going to keep Marina company while you go to have your tetanus injection.
That's good thinking! Oh, Howard, you're in the slipstream of this well-planned operation.
Howard! Is there anything one can do? I wouldn't mind a shoulder to rest on.
Oh! A little aftershock.
He's just rescued a child from a savage dog.
How courageous! Any other brave person would have done the same.
Should he be here in this condition? He didn't want to disappoint a young lady.
He was hoping you will join her for a meal.
Who's payi How admirable.
How one's heart goes out to him in the circumstances.
Is he in pain? He looks quite happy at the moment.
Oh, Howard! It's all right.
He saved the child.
He insisted on keeping this appointment.
Oh, Howard! You did that for me? But we ought to take him now, before the pain becomes unbearable.
He tries to hide it, but I want you to stay and enjoy a meal with Miss Davenport.
Or, if you prefer it, perhaps just a sandwich.
Tell them the dog story quick, and let's get you back to Pearl.
Whose dog? You only know him as Smith.
A dog called Smith? That's the owner, you dollop.
Call it anything, as long as it's not Cuddles.
Oh, Howard! I hope you're not permanently savaged.
He stared it down.
It's almost magical what he can do with a word of command.
Howard! You should have said! They give us all this equipment, and do you know what this vehicle really needs? A good sandwich dispenser.
With little packets of sweet chilli and some garlic sauce.
That's the one.
And what do we get? A radio and blue lights.
Did you see that? What did it look like to you? Some lowlife mugging a fella on crutches.
That's what it looked like to me.
What? They go another mile and they won't be on our patch.
They'll be in the next divisional area.
Should we be interfering with offences committed in a neighbouring divisional area? Could be seen as pushy.
Oh, let's be pushy.
You're right.
They were on our patch, and nobody gets away with stuff like that on our patch.
Stop the truck.
We've just lost Alvin.
I wouldn't say lost.
He's lying there.
And go steady this time.
You're driving like some muffin from Hull.
Whiplash.
No, thank you.
Not just after a meal.
You spend all this time in the toilet and come out with whiplash? How are we going to explain the damage to the car? We don't know how it happened, do we? You were lowering me down some old mineshaft so I could rescue a kitten, and then, when we got back to t'car Some chuff must have backed into it.
I remember now.
We're not as young as we used to be.
I deny that.
Necks better when they can swivel.
I wonder if Nora Batty's any good at massage.
She's only next door.
At least she's convenient.
Well, that's not my idea of convenient.
Depends on answer to question "Is Nora Batty better than stiff neck?" Marginally, I'd say, yes.
Don't go to sleep, Alvin.
You're showing signs of concussion.
I never thought I'd hear anybody describe Nora Batty as "convenient".