Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s28e05 Episode Script

Why does Nora think you've a woman in there? Because I act like someone who's hiding a woman in the house.
She's not quite sure whether I have or not, and it's driving her wild.
That's wicked.
You can but try.
See if she's in the yard.
She's not.
I don't smell dangerous female, and this nose is trained for such things.
She'll come out when she hears this door close.
Wave at my bedroom window as we pass.
A quick little wave.
Who trained your nose for dangerous women then? I don't like to talk about it, someday I'll show you the scar.
Who was that muffin in the pub last night? Well, it was probably me.
No, worse than you.
Kept banging on about alien visitors, flying saucers.
Oh, that's Kevin, yes, he comes from Luton, they tend to see things like that.
I think it's very sad.
Coming from Luton? No, having these out of space fixations.
They get so they can't talk about anything else.
They end up as little green men.
Ah, he's harmless and last night he came very close to being legless! He got me in a corner and I couldn't get away.
So, what did you learn? That the man's an idiot.
They've all got their good points - if you look.
He kept asking me what did I know about the asteroid belt? I said I didn't know he was wearing one.
You didn't?! Yeah, I couldn't resist it.
He's into stealth technology.
He's in search of the silent bicycle.
It's when they're quiet you know they're up to something.
I like to be able to hear them, well, DIY.
It's what it was invented for.
They're not much good at it, but at least you know where they are.
I know where Travis is, he's always under your feet.
What's your plan for when he achieves the silent bicycle? He's wasting his time, I shall put his squeak straight back in.
You've got to admire his initiative, that someone of his age still needs a silent bicycle.
You admire his initiative, I'll just put his squeak back in.
Glenda? What?! That was a very unfriendly "what".
Why are you giving me these terrible "whats"? What's wrong? Nothing! Nothing? Uh-oh If it's that bad, don't you think we ought to talk about it? Not necessarily right at this moment, of course.
"So, if they look like anybody else," I asked him, "how do you spot an alien?" Well, go on, I'm sure this is something we should all know.
"Lack of emotion," he says, "They can't smile" HE SIGHS Ye, gods, there's on at the door! Where's the harm in oiling a bicycle? Still eluding you is it, the silent bicycle? It's the women, they stare at you as if you've got some sneaky reason.
That's it, that's the look.
What does a person have to do to establish his innocence? In your case he'd have to lie And better than he'd usually do.
It stands to reason a person is going to try to remove a persistent squeak.
Nobody likes a persistent squeak.
Well, Pearl married YOU, didn't she? Look on the bright side, be thankful for all the no-good you've managed to get up to.
Even with a squeaky bicycle.
And this is called? Putting the squeak back in.
GRATING SQUEAK Norman Clegg's house? Do I look like Norman Clegg's house? It's that one.
Bit sharp-tongued, aren't we? I used to have one like you.
Probably more than you deserved then.
You know, I sometimes think the best defence we've got against aliens is when they find out what our women are like.
Alien visitors?! Oh, you men do read some twaddle.
Twaddle?! They're here already.
Don't laugh, are you sure the person you're living with is above suspicion? Suspicion? Is that all it takes? By heck, they are here already(!) I sometimes think Travis wasn't meant for this planet.
Looks like Norman Clegg's about to have an alien visitor.
Isn't it wonderful, the way nature arranges for the crackpots to find each other.
Check if Nora's still out there.
She looks better from this angle.
Would you go as far as better? Oh, maybe not.
Here, put this on.
You make a suggestion like that to a man with his own Swiss Army pocket knife? How long have you had that? Ever since Aunty Wainwright wanted to get rid of a Swiss Army pocket knife.
You'll be equipped for every emergency then? I thought so, until I got into this wig thing.
Put it on, and give her a glimpse of it passing the window.
Don't let her see your face, I don't want anybody thinking I'm keeping one like you.
I've seen you with worse! Not in daylight! And in this incident, this sheriff's deputy in California was abducted and taken to another planet.
In California, they're all on another planet.
Where he was subjected to a series of humiliating examinations.
I get one from Pearl regularly.
They removed this bloke's brain! That's the one.
But they put it back in.
You must have missed that bit, Howard.
See what you get for sneaking away.
And when this deputy got back home, his wife spotted immediately that something was different.
Pearl does that too.
That's how you know they care.
It's like going through customs and immigration every time you get home.
Did the deputy recover? I mean, I don't want to hear any more if it ends badly.
He got back, they brought him back.
But he was never the same.
Wife left him.
What happened? Something characteristically human had gone.
Vanished! They took his credit cards? They took his personality, he came back like a zombie, no expression, no emotion.
I think I've seen him.
Behind the counter in the charity shop.
Glenda? Oh, you are speaking to me then? I've never not been speaking to you.
You weren't speaking to me last night.
When? When you were out star-gazing, when I was lying in a lonely bed with only the sports section of the newspaper for company.
You never read the sports section! And I wouldn't have been reading it last night, but I'd used the other pages for wrapping some celery in.
When did we have celery? We didn't.
We haven't had it yet.
Mr Crabtree kindly brought me some from his garden.
How long has this been going on? What? Strangers bringing you celery.
He's not a stranger.
He is to me.
You met him at Shirley's wedding.
I don't remember.
No, you won't remember.
You'd be too busy gawping at the stars, or something.
Oh, it's fascinating, Glenda, when you realise how big the universe is.
I realise how big our bed is when you've been abandoned by your husband! She always had lovely handbags.
She had a thing about handbags.
She had a thing about more than that.
Oh, you can't blame her for falling for him.
I could've fallen for him.
I thought you did.
I knew it! You put a bit of make-up on and a lifetime of unblemished behaviour goes down the toilet.
Every time he passed the cafe, you used to go to jelly.
Rubbish.
You weren't safe with a full cup of tea.
I might have found him attractive, but it didn't go anywhere near to jelly.
You used to blush.
Have you finished? And what about you? Are you telling me that you've never been to jelly? If I had, I'd've kept it hidden.
Well, I'll concede that much.
There's nobody hides going to jelly better than you.
And look what happened to her.
I wonder how many fancy handbags she's got now.
Maybe twice as many.
Jelly AND handbags.
Oh, lucky devil.
Ooh, life can be so unfair.
You're better with both feet firmly on the floor.
Like you were when you had that crush on Des Ellis(?) It's a lie.
I deny it.
Anyway, you're allowed to be stupid at 17.
You were never 17! You were 40 when you were born.
Going on 50! So why did your wife leave you? She never said.
Didn't you ask her? She was busy.
Packing a suitcase! Yeah.
Mine.
She threw YOU out?! She gave me the bus fare.
Well, where did you go? Back to Mother.
There you go, you see? Somebody loved you.
She threw me out, as well.
'Ey up! It's t'overnight express.
And what little goodies are they carrying today? Hey, typists' chairs.
Your missus makes a good sandwich.
I'll tell her you said.
The snag in life is, how do you know these things before you get married? You take the risk.
That's it.
You dive in completely blind.
You stand in church, you say "I do" without the faintest idea of what she's gonna do to a sandwich.
Not these days.
They live together before they get married.
Why didn't I think of that? I did think of that.
It's just the wife didn't think of that.
And neither did her mother.
You think that's why young couples live together? So they can experiment to find the perfect sandwich? Makes sense to me.
Anyway, I don't believe your wife are all that bad with packed lunches.
Not now.
But for the first two years, I used to live off things I could scrounge from my colleague.
Not changed a lot, have yer? Don't be bitter.
You've opened my eyes to a whole new range of cuisine.
Opened your mouth a few times, too.
I let you share my lip salve when it's windy on the moors.
GRATING SQUEAKS I can't understand it! I oiled it this morning! You pay more attention to that than you do to me.
I'm playing second fiddle to a squeak.
I think we ought to find somewhere less public and I'll get to the bottom of it.
"Less public"?! We're on a public road! It's not the M1, Howard.
But there are people who, if they saw us, wouldn't believe we came out here just for the view.
There's me, for a start.
Oh, I suppose you're right.
Nobody's likely to see us out here.
And we'd hear if any vehicle was coming.
DEVICE EMITS ALIEN SOUND EFFECTS How ingenious! All that in that little space! Also plays music.
Not for me.
I don't like music.
Oh! I love the romantic composers.
I get quite carried away.
I had uncle like that.
He used to get carried away.
Tchaikovsky? Whisky.
Can we help? What have you got on aliens? Illegal? Outer space.
Extraterrestrial.
Are we alone in the universe? That kind of thing.
I sometimes feel that I'm alone in the universe.
It's a mistake for a woman to be academically bright.
It makes men uneasy.
They prefer bimbos.
I can't do bimbo.
I've tried.
I wore a low-cut blouse.
He took me out for a meal, and I dropped a fork down it.
Have you ever tried surreptitiously removing a fork from your cleavage? I'm sure I would have remembered.
And it went straight down and onto the floor.
I was wearing a skirt that wasn't big enough to catch it.
A miniskirt is no defence against a determined fork.
No, I can't do bimbo.
Science fiction is over there.
They're not fiction, lass! They're flesh and blood! It might be green, but it's still blood.
I don't think we have anything on green blood.
People don't realise, but they're here already.
They might have been in this library.
Keen readers, are they? Intelligent life somewhere in the universe would be nice.
You'd do well to keep an eye out for people who show no emotion.
I've had several encounters with men like that.
That's how you can spot them - no emotion.
Blank faces.
No expression.
Completely nothing there.
Just totally dead.
Almost like DEVICE EMITS "ALIEN" SOUNDS What was that? Typists' chairs.
Where are the typists' chairs? They're coming.
What do you mean, "They're coming"? There.
Two typists' chairs, hand delivered.
What about the wear and tear? We're all right.
We feel fine, don't we? Yeah.
Since he's taken up stargazing, he won't come to bed.
I come to bed on cloudy nights.
That's nice, isn't it(?) I'm only available when wet.
What's he doing stargazing when he works for a building society? I thought it was all done with computers.
It's ever since he got the book from the library.
Do none of you ever wonder about man's place in the universe? I often wonder what place my man's in.
I wish I could get Travis interested in something other than housework.
Do you realise how much universe there is up there? Well, I only hope you're well wrapped up.
It's no universe for playing fast and loose with your vest.
Is he stargazing all night? Oh, I wouldn't have that.
I'm in bed by midnight.
He's like a block of ice.
I know what you mean.
They should be kept at room temperature.
Has he bought a telescope? They usually start by buying all the equipment.
They have to buy it quick, before they lose interest.
I'll say this much for mine.
He's got an interest that doesn't require much more than a bicycle.
I don't think he loves me like he used to.
Glenda! Do we have to go in public? Are you failing this girl? Ask her about the celery.
She has men bringing her celery.
Just what we've always wanted(!) Now, let us be fair.
She gave us a good price.
Oh, yes.
They were a snip.
We would have been daft not to buy one.
Funny how things keep coming into your head like, "Does anybody actually type?" If there's going to be an alien invasion it looks like Kevin's ready.
We know what Kevin's ready for.
Don't be rotten.
If the man wants an alien, we ought to provide one.
Why are you looking at me? Because we already think of you, Alvin, as already being some distance into outer space.
It's just a first impression.
Alvin does good impressions.
You can be an alien, Alvin.
You're the very model of an alien if ever I saw one.
Have you ever seen one? Seen one? I married one! It has to be you.
Kevin hasn't seen you.
Anybody home? Argh! THUD! Well, he's come down to earth now! I thought I had been grabbed.
I thought, "This is it.
They're here.
Next stop the mother-ship.
" Welcome aboard Mother-ship Entwistle.
Can you vouch for him? Does he bleed green? You don't like to ask.
Did you know he makes funny bleeping noises.
I think it's something he ate.
When you get to know me better, I can sell you reconditioned television.
He does come from round here.
Let's get you in the cab, Kevin.
My legs are like jelly.
What flavour? Did you see that? I knew when I woke up this morning there was something different about today.
You were right.
Today's the day I bought a typist's chair.
I thought his legs were jelly.
And he had custard for brains.
I bring you greetings from Mother Earth.
And from me and a bloke called Farnsworth, who would have been here except he's on holiday.
Blackpool.
Which isn't outer space but it's doing its best.
Have you come far? Turn left at Attercliffe.
You would have been better on the ring road.
Tell navigator take ring road.
You didn't fool me for a minute.
I knew he was faking it.
I was just about to expose him.
No chance.
I can tell the real thing every time if I do the experiment.
Experiment?! You're not cutting me open to see if I bleed green.
Unnecessary.
It is my own discovery but anyone can do it.
The alien detector.
Make an X.
Make a what? The figure, X.
Go on, do it.
Side by side with your feet and fingertips touching mine.
Two connected Xs.
Now you've got it.
Very interesting, Kevin, but what would a person do with it once he'd got it? Do with it?! He'd listen, wouldn't he? What we've got here, as long as we keep firmly connected at feet and fingertips is a very powerful psychic receiver.
Not to mention arm ache.
You'll see.
We'll start picking things up.
Like funny reputation.
Me and Farnsworth do it all the time.
I bet he's found somebody at Blackpool to do it with.
Which I'm sure is not beyond the bounds of possibility.
And what have you received apart from funny looks? You can laugh but it works.
We've done it - me and Farnsworth.
The scientists are listening for aliens with all this machinery.
No chance! They're not going to communicate like that.
We've got to start listening with the intelligence and the minds we've been given.
That's all very well for us, but what's Alvin going to do? I'll catch up - don't wait for me.
Do you think it's a good idea, speaking to green people? We don't know they're green.
Maybe it's just their blood that's green.
Tell them there's a welcome waiting.
If they are green, vegetarians should be able to eat them.
If you do get through, see if anybody wants a typist's chair.
Right, I believe I'm ready.
Let's do it.
You're ready for more? You're looking at big X.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Feet and fingers touching.
You've got to concentrate.
You've got to become a cosmic receiver.
I bet all we get is the commercials.
Come on.
You do it.
The more Xs we've got, the better the receiver.
What do you think it is? I think it's weird.
I can see it's weird.
But what kind of weird? Some kind of ceremony.
Probably some ancient ritual.
How long do they keep this up? Until whatever it is they're trying to summon appears.
Do you think they can? No! It's all rubbish.
GRATING SQUEAK So why can I hear something coming? Can you hear that? THEY WHISTLE You don't think they're being asked to keep an eye on us? Just two people cycling? Why should anybody want to keep an eye on us?! I bet they think we're up to something.
The thought does cross your mind.
I want you to go.
I'd never do anything to compromise your reputation.
Not on a bicycle.
I can see that.
I'd love us to stop and just explore more.
But people get funny ideas if they see you wheeling your machines into the woods.
I know just how they feel.
People think it's suspicious if you're only picking bluebells.
I know it gets a laugh at work.
Even if you just stand there waving your bluebells.
You want celery? I'll get you celery.
Gary, he gives celery to other ladies.
He takes some for Mrs Batty.
You see? A womaniser! Listen to outer space.
Ever heard such rubbish? Some people will fall for anything.
We'll have to do that again.
I could feel something was coming.
Don't call us, Kevin.
We'll call you.
You can tell me it's none of my business.
But I've got to ask.
I've lived here all these years without any scandal.
Have you got a woman? Nora Batty! Thank you for the offer, but I've no vacancies at the moment.
Oh!