Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s28e06 Episode Script

Looking a bit thoughtful, Clegg.
It's the view.
Scenery like this starts a man thinking.
Fills him with wonder.
Lifts his mind.
Raises it to higher things.
I know exactly what you mean.
Actually, the truth is I was thinking how I've lost all confidence in Dr Driscoll's Patent Fiery Rubbing Cream.
Told you.
Dr Driscoll's? I should think you have lost faith in it.
Everybody else went off it about the time Queen Victoria died.
Was that fair do you think? Her Majesty was nearly 100.
You can't expect Dr Driscoll to guarantee beyond that.
My mother used to use it on me.
It burns, I know that much.
It was like being rubbed with nettles.
That was the theory in those days.
If it didn't hurt, it wasn't any good for you.
The former Mrs Truelove held the same view about marriage.
What's that for? I don't want to talk about it.
Oh.
What's that for? He doesn't want to talk about it.
If that's his wish, we have to respect it.
So why don't you tell me? He hasn't told me.
Suffering in silence? He's making a meal of it, isn't he? I don't want to talk about it.
Well, I'm sure we don't care.
There's nobody here with any wish to pry.
Tell him if it's in confidence, I can keep a secret.
Tell her I couldn't give her anything to keep.
I couldn't afford it.
I think we've known each other long enough, Norman, for me to enquire, where exactly did you apply Dr Driscoll's Patent Fiery Rubbing Cream? Well, usually it was in the bathroom.
I can't imagine it being your own choice of medication.
No, you're quite right.
It was Mrs Clegg's.
In those days, the peak of togetherness was having your back rubbed with something that either smelt bad or burned.
You thought it was medicinal, didn't you? Actually, it was witchcraft.
That's how they secure their hold on you.
You think Doctor Driscoll's was a magic potion? You never felt like wandering off to other women, did you? I rest my case.
There's no wonder Doctor Driscoll's not popular these days.
What did your wife use? Mostly she used to rub me up the wrong way.
You still think of her as yours, then? It's like an old wound, isn't it? You get a twinge now and again.
Was there never anyone else? There was this lady from Willesden I used to arrest occasionally.
We got quite friendly.
She couldn't resist the uniform.
She could resist it very effectively.
I've still got the marks.
I'm glad I found you in, Cleggy.
ROBOTIC VOICE: This is not me, Howard.
This is a working model which I had made to be unhelpful to Howard if he comes in-in-in And I'm out as well.
So am I.
All I want is to ask if I can bring my bike in? You want to ride round my living room? I just want somewhere to leave it for a while.
I should check it thoroughly.
He's probably got Marina in the saddlebag.
What's wrong with where you usually leave it? This is another one.
I don't want Pearl to know about it just yet.
You've got a secret bicycle? And I'd like to keep it that way for a few hours until I can make Pearl understand what I'm after.
Oh, I think she'll be ahead of you on that.
Can I bring it in? All right, bring it in.
But I want it gone before bedtime.
Two bicycles.
He must be expanding.
Yes.
Into my living room! Just what you need a bicycle! Howard! I loved that bit in the book when he threw her over his saddle and galloped away.
Yes.
They were always doing that.
Personally I think it sounds very uncomfortable.
Oh, I know, but if you've got to be uncomfortable, that's the way to go.
With my luck, if anyone threw me over their saddle, I'd sail straight over.
I know what you mean.
I've been thrown over a bicycle saddle, but that was panic not passion.
I've been tossed about in a Morris Minor, but it's not the same.
For a start, there's the gear lever.
Been there.
Done that.
Didn't you find it cramped? I find the whole modern world cramped.
Shrunken, diminished.
It lacks poetry, elegance, manners, grace.
The men think it can all be replaced by aftershave.
Behaving badly has never smelt so good.
I know the weather forecast said there was a deep depression approaching, but he's overdoing it.
He doesn't want to talk about it.
What have you got on life after death? Oh, you poor love.
Be of good cheer.
There are still a few resourceful persons who can help you forget.
It's very dark in here for the time of year.
Come on, Cleggy.
I'd do the same for you.
Oh, yes.
There's every chance of my landing up on your doorstep with an unlawful motor bike.
Just give me time to organise Pearl.
Organise Pearl.
You've had 50 years and where are you? I mean, if I give way on this, what's next? A minibus? I didn't want Pearl to see it just yet.
And I don't want to see oil stains on my carpet.
There'll be blood on my carpet.
As long as it's only yours.
You think you've got friends.
You see how little grasp of reality the man has.
Hello, love.
I know that voice.
It's your guilty one.
What are you hiding? ALL: Hiding? You sound like a chorus.
Who's conducting? I bet he is.
More like first fiddle.
Moment of truth, Howard.
You're on your own.
Let's see you wriggle out of this! So that's what you're up to! Yes, love.
Just admiring Cleggy's new motor bike.
I think it shows great spirit taking up biking at his age.
I'll kill him.
They're coming here? It's just a few ladies for coffee.
A few ladies? You think that's nothing? That's like calling Genghis Khan a tour organiser.
Oh, Barry.
They won't interfere with you.
They'll be looking everywhere for clues.
Clues to what? For evidence that I that I'm ill-treating you.
They know we have a good marriage.
They don't believe in good marriages.
They never noticed they had one.
They were used to harder times.
They daren't admit to liking anything in case it got taken away.
Just don't fall or run into anything.
If they see with you a bandage, I've had it.
I fancy a crack at one of these.
They're so damned noisy.
I thought that was you.
I had a marriage that was played on the loud pedal.
Fancy having the kind of lady friend for which you need a track bike! Oh, dear.
Do you think Howard is ready for even rougher country? I wish he'd try Alaska.
DOORBELL RINGS Have you got room for a bike in there? We'd keep it ourselves, of course, if it wasn't so filthy.
But full of excitement and prospects of adventure.
Not for you, Tom, of course.
Some other wally.
Not just some other wally.
This is Major Wally.
Bring it in.
I always felt that what this place really needs is a tatty track bike.
He's a trifle low profile today, isn't he? What's up with him? He doesn't want to talk about it.
We'll see about that.
It used to be my business making people talk.
It's stopping some people that's the trouble.
Biker gear? For you? Yes, of course, for me.
Although just in case the situation arises, perhaps a second helmet for a friend.
Oh! That kind of biker gear! Something lean and mean.
I want to look like I was born for the saddle of a powerful machine.
You fell off that motor mower.
Only once.
I swerved to avoid a mole.
All right.
If you're determined.
Now, in the interests of road safety, I think we should determine how much you're prepared to spend.
Well HE SWALLOWS Financial panic.
I know it well.
There's one voice saying, "do it", and another saying, "you can't afford it".
My advice is ignore number two.
Image matters.
I want to look good.
I want to look like hell on wheels.
But on a budget.
Budget won't get you past Meals On Wheels.
Fancy leaving that here! Anybody half drunk could do himself a nasty on a thing like that.
I once fell over Charlie Trimingham.
Everybody used to fall over Charlie Trimingham.
I thought he always went to sleep outside the King's Head.
He used to get thrown out of this place as well.
He looked a right old wreck.
Look who's talking.
I thought you said that was me.
Don't fret.
I think you could call it a tie.
Seems only fair.
And you've looked worse for longer, Smiler.
You see! I knew it was me.
Let's get this man inside.
He badly needs some cheer.
Pablo! Who's he calling Pablo? You grow one little moustache and they start calling you Pablo.
I miss him.
Let's get this straight.
Is this why the armband.
You've recently lost a Pablo? Could happen to anyone.
Two years ago today.
I buried him in the garden.
You have the right to remain silent.
Oh, let him finish.
It's just getting interesting.
Not for Pablo.
Did you know about this? I know it was the first time he'd ever done any gardening.
So who was Pablo? Oh! He doesn't want to talk about it.
They always talk finally to Truly of the Yard.
If he smiles, it's like a confession.
It means he's up to something.
You prefer him miserable? Every time.
There you go.
I see what you mean.
I thought I'd just go for a bit of exercise.
Not on the motorbike then? Motorbike? Give over! You're not telling me Norman Clegg's bought a motorbike.
People get these impulses.
Well, I hope yours aren't getting any bigger than you can manage on a pedal cycle.
A mouse? Pablo was a mouse? You're wearing a black armband for a mouse? I like it.
I used to have a robin like that.
It would feed on my windowsill.
Alvin understands.
It doesn't matter what it is if you love it.
How did you find this mouse? Was it fate, or did you use computer dating? Pablo was in this pet shop window and he looked at me.
That's all it took.
It's a good job the shop owner didn't give you the same look.
A mouse! Have you any explanation for this morbid attraction? The world's a lonely place.
We're all looking for something to cherish.
I was hoping for something bigger than mouse.
What kind of a conversation can you have with a mouse? What kind of conversation can anybody have with you? He gets to the end of a sentence, and he's forgotten where he began.
Well, I've finished with that bit.
Had you had any previous mouse experience? No.
Apart from once with a couple in the back of the settee.
But this was different.
Pablo was this lovely golden corn colour.
It's a love story.
You can tell.
The man's an idiot.
But an idiot in love.
Big ears.
Great big round ears.
How did you know it was South American? Did it have this big hat? Very fluid at the Mariachi, was it? It was South American.
It said so on the cage.
Didn't you realise they don't live long? You know what love's like.
You don't look to the future, you just go for it.
Oh, get some drink down you.
You're breaking my heart.
How long are we supposed to hang onto this? He tends to slide through your fingers.
Don't let me fall.
They'll think I'm Charlie Trimingham.
Oh! Put him down somewhere! Where do you put a person who's mourning a mouse? You've got to help me, Cleggy.
I think Pearl's becoming suspicious.
Of you? Now, why should she do that? So if Pearl could just see you in biker gear, Cleggy.
Just once should be enough.
Try more than enough.
The answer is no, Howard.
And if Pearl could just see you tinkering with it.
As long as it means I don't have to tinker with Marina.
She's not the tinkering kind.
Are you sure you've been reading the right handbook? Barry! They're just ladies, Barry.
My friends.
I thought I was your friend.
How can you do this to your friends? Surprise them.
Don't be shy.
Be firm.
Dominate the conversation for a few minutes and then you can go.
OK.
OK? If that's what you want.
Pearl's inside.
All he has to do is walk past the window in his biker's gear.
You can do that, Clegg, one window! It's a new you, Cleggy.
We're all impressed.
You're sure there's nobody out there? There's Tom on his trolley.
And he's off his trolley.
You can trust us, we're your friends.
That's just a little phrase I picked-up from some double-glazing salesmen.
If I should be seen, it must be explained that I am temporarily insane.
It is a fate that overtakes anybody who lives next door to Howard.
She's not in.
Thank you and goodnight.
She'll be at Glenda's for coffee.
Can we just do a stroll past Glenda's? A stroll? You don't stroll dressed like this.
You arm-wrestle with people who wear chains and big tattoos and that's only the women.
Sounds like my Shirley.
You had a Shirley? She was only on loan while her boyfriend was in hospital and she was between bikes.
I do enjoy a good love story.
Me too, but it gets harder all the time.
Come on, Cleggy! No, no, no.
I'm not walking round to Glenda's dressed like this.
Perhaps man with truck can be of service.
How long you keep Tom in trolley? Don't wake him.
He's trying to forget a mouse.
The cheque's in post.
We can ride round in the truck.
Nobody's going to see you, Cleggy.
Because I shan't be there.
Very slippery these bikers.
Need firm grip.
Round the throat.
Where's your truck, Entwhistle? On road.
On way back, we can call, get him tattoo.
Is there room for one more? I thought I saw your Barry when we came in.
Yes, he'll be popping in in a minute.
He's on the computer.
He does quite a bit of work now from home.
They do that these days.
They come home to go to work.
I'll never understand life any more.
Did you ever understand life? Enough to get by.
And that's enough for anybody.
I've always left understanding life to Travis.
You have to give them something to do.
In my experience they'll find something anyway.
Doesn't Howard have a hobby? Oh, he does, but I try to ensure that he gets little opportunity to practise it.
My Barry often thinks about life.
I catch him staring into space.
He says it fills him with awe and wonder.
Fills him, does it? I bet he still doesn't miss many meals.
They don't.
They've got biological clocks that need winding every four hours.
And a tweak between meals.
Travis is quite a dainty eater.
I sometimes think he's more ladylike than me.
My Barry's quite good with a napkin.
You can hardly see where he's been.
I was brought up in the old school.
I never believe they've enjoyed it if they don't splash a bit.
It's all right until you take them anywhere.
Then you spend all the time applying their handbrake.
Weddings are the worst.
There are people in lovely new clothes and things on the menu that you just know your husband's never going to be able to resist.
Weddings are difficult.
If I get a new hat, Travis thinks there's another man.
You should get hats like Nora's.
What's wrong with my hats? Nothing, but you have to admit they're above suspicion.
Just needs good kick.
My feelings exactly.
Here, hold the bike steady.
I'll handle the throttle.
Alvin, you kick the starter.
BIKE STARTS Give it some wrist! Attract the ladies' attention.
I shall attract enough attention just dressed like this.
We're not asking for wheelies, Cleggy, just rev her up a bit.
BIKE REVS NOISILY Do they do sandwiches? REVS CONTINUE I wonder where Shirley is now? Never mind Shirley.
Better wonder where Tom is now? Let's get after him! ENGINE TURNS OVER ENGINE SPLUTTERS Off you go then, Cleggy.
It's down to you now.
It IS Cleggy.
I don't want to do that again.
I got you back, didn't I? Got us lost first though, didn't you? Lost? I don't want to hear that word.
This is our patch.
We don't get lost.
There's a lot of open space on those moors.
We were just temporarily disoriented.
I like that.
That sounds much better than lost.
But we were still lost, weren't we? I was not lost.
Well, I were and you were sitting next to me.
It were very embarrassing following that kid on his bicycle.
It was better than asking directions.
I draw the line at asking a kid for directions.
I just wish he hadn't walked up every hill.
The hills were bad, but I should have cracked him for picking blackberries.
Still, he knew where good ones were.
You do know your lips are purple, don't you? As bad as yours? Hello, ladies.
Now, don't get up.
Oh, hark at me.
Why should you get up? You're the ladies.
It's me that should be up.
I am up.
Well, there you go! Seeing as I'm up, I thought, Barry, why don't you pop in and say hello to the ladies? So consider this a pop.
Thank you, Barry.
Make yourselves at home.
There'll always be a welcome.
Thank you, Barry, that will do.
I could chat all day.
Go, Barry! I don't usually get off at this stop.