Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s28e08 Episode Script

Pull up a chair, sit down.
Have a cup of tea with your neighbour.
And get a reputation for dallying with unmarried men? Nobody's offering dallying.
The sweetest you'll get is a bit of sugar for your tea.
I can't be dawdling about.
I've got some baking to do.
Who are you baking for? You live alone, woman.
What does it matter if you don't bake for once? It's Tuesday.
Tuesdays you bake! Tuesdays you bake.
She's the old school.
And you know what happened to that.
They pulled it down.
I wouldn't go that far.
She just needs a lick of paint and a smile transplant.
They'd never get one to fit.
How long are we stopping here? I'm thirsting for action.
I'm feeling underused.
You don't like staring at water? Not all day.
We were going to break for lunch.
We could be doing something Stupid? That's it.
I knew we'd think of something.
Don't look at me.
I sleep in pyjamas too thick for playful dreams.
I bet they're no thicker than mine.
They were all that slept between me and the former Mrs Truelove.
Mine are lightweight.
Polka dot.
I hope that never becomes well known.
I wouldn't know where to start making excuses for you.
You have a tendency towards being flash, Alvin.
I prefer to think of it as elegance.
SQUEAKING What are you assaulting the car for? I'm listening to it.
I know you've always talked to them as if they were human, but I never realised they were answering back.
I've got a squeak.
I'll still love you, Barry, even with a squeak.
I'm being serious.
I think it reflects badly on the owner if his vehicle has a squeak.
Come and listen to it while I rock it.
Mother warned me.
She said men would come along with some very weird invitations.
SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK! So, I'm on my knees with armfuls of books, and he walks straight past me! They do.
They walk straight past.
You feel like it's time to lower your sights.
Or even your skirts.
I mean, he could SEE I was in difficulties.
And getting into those is not as easy as it used to be.
I mistook him for a gentleman.
Been there.
Done that.
Oh But not recently.
Oh, I know that type too.
But no, not recently.
Must be good dancer.
How can you tell? It's him.
It's in the advert.
"Lady seeks partner.
Tall, slim, "unattached, must be good dancer.
" Well He looks unattached.
I don't think it's worth the bother.
You have to believe.
It's always worth the bother.
Where's the bother? We brush your dancing up a bit.
Now, what have you got to show him where to put his feet? I usually put me foot through things.
Does he have rhythm? I've got rheumatics is what I've got.
It'll do them good as well.
- Now, what have you got to give him some social polish? - Polish? I think you'll need a good undercoat first! Oh! Excuse me.
What we're looking at here is could he be turned into Cinderella? I think he'd do better aiming for ugly sister.
It was his idea.
We gathered that.
That's his trademark.
The triumph of hope over reality.
It just came to me.
I'm watching him load the vehicle That's what he does.
He watches, I load the vehicle.
I'm the ideas man! I can't get too wrapped up in the hustle and bustle, else you lose the wider perspective! I must get to Weight Watchers.
I've been losing the wider perspective for some time now.
A gentleman would have insisted that I'd be a fool to tamper with Nature.
I think a bit of tampering wouldn't hurt.
You're right.
He does need some polish.
Don't they all? The Age of Elegance is dead.
You can't say that! I've got polka dot pyjamas! And in the force, madam, I was known as a bit of a toff.
Even in the Vice Squad I was known as a gent.
Which isn't always easy when you're undercover wearing a frock.
By some lucky chance, this man has fallen into exactly the right hands.
Huh? Huh Morning.
Morning.
Gadding out again? I'm not going anywhere.
What are you all dressed up for? Oh, I'm not dressed up.
I'm working.
Well, it looks like dressed up.
You've picked up some funny habits while living away.
Well, you had to get dressed up, if only in self-defence.
You look fine, love.
Take no notice.
We can't all have this flair for looking derelict.
Where do you think you're going? I only realised this morning, it's been ages since I practised any woodcraft.
Get back inside.
You want woodcraft, you've got that skirting board to paint! You'll be sorry if ever you have to rely on me for hunting our food! HE SLURPS HIS TEA Does he always make a noise like that? Only when he's depressed.
In a good mood, he gets louder.
He has good moods? Oh, aye.
He gets quite playful.
Maybe the lady will accept "playful" instead of "must be good dancer".
No need.
All he's got to do is LOOK like a dancer.
He just needs a bit of practice.
Or maybe a lot.
Oh! We can make him look like a dancer, then take his picture.
Something he can show the ladies.
I don't have to dance? Not at this stage.
One or two pictures of you that LOOK as if you're dancing should get you started.
I can do that.
I can have me picture took.
Of course you can.
Which is your best side? He says it's from the back! I was only kidding.
You nearly look like a dancer already.
All the ingredients are there.
Hm.
Then something went wrong in the oven(!) No, it's all there.
He's tall, slim Look at the legs on him.
Put it all together and what do you see? I'm not sure, but it's never going to be in big demand.
Oh! Wrong.
What we're looking at is a dancer's figure.
Potentially elegant.
What we've got here is basically Fred Astaire.
I'm too tall for Fred Astaire! You see how unfair life is? If it hadn't been for that, it could have been YOU with Ginger Rogers(!) Oh! So he's tall! What we've got here, basically, is one and a half Fred Astaires.
Yes, well, I'll go with you as far as Fred, but, um Here, Smiler, stand up.
Now, then.
Tall, slim.
With a figure like that plus a little polish, and you've got Cary Grant.
Smooth him off a bit and it's goodbye Smiler, hello Casanova.
I thought he was dead.
He is dead! You can't be like the live one straight away! Oh, well, if you're settling for a dead one, then he's in with a chance! Now What do dancers wear? Never stir paint clockwise.
Rembrandt always stirred anti-clockwise.
I never knew that.
Told to me personally by his cousin.
It's all right for you lot, footloose and fancy-free.
Very few of my fancies were ever free.
What are you doing with top hat and tails? We're creating Cinderella.
Cinderella was female.
Was.
Until she got wrong side of wicked witch.
What did she do? Stirred paint clockwise.
Can you hear it? SQUEAK! I can hear it, but I can't tell where it's coming from.
Maybe you could get lower.
I'm nearly on the floor now! Could you put your ear to the floor? Well, of course, it's what I've always wanted, I thought you'd never ask(!) I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important to me.
Oh! If I'm doing ears on floor, you keep your eyes on the road, Barry! Sorry.
Look what they've brought you.
Instant Fred Astaire.
Nobody wears that stuff any more.
Well, you can start the fashion again.
You could earn a place in history, Smiler.
The man who brought back elegance.
You'll get a grateful letter from the "Tailor and Cutter".
I'm too tall for top hats.
I'll never get under low bridges.
You can bend at the knees! You're a dancer.
You've a flexible knee.
Maybe both knees.
But suppose they get out of control? Don't listen to him, Smiler.
You've got to have an air of confidence that says, "These knees are precision instruments.
" Where do I get an air of confidence? You ask that in the presence of this man here?! He's Entwistle Electrics.
And instructor of ancient art of air of confidence.
Plus, anyway, he'll be taking your picture.
Using own camera.
That'll be extra.
There's always a snag.
There's more than one.
For Fred Astaire his feet are too big.
Some of my best friends' feet are too big.
Put your hat on, Smiler.
Then nobody's going to be looking at your feet.
KNOCK ON DOOR Where's he going in that? Oh, he's going to capture a lady's heart.
Does it work? Does it work? White tie and tails? Ladies can't resist.
It's the honey pot.
They come like flies.
I only want one! You'll just have to brush the others off.
Was there something, Howard? I forget.
Is it more in your right ear or your left ear? SQUEAK! It's beginning to get up my nose, Barry! Let's hope the battle for law and order simmers down long enough for us to eat these sandwiches.
I'll drink to that.
His head's on backwards.
I noticed that.
No wonder he's driving like that.
If we ever see him do it again we'll have him.
You mean you don't want to have him now? I would say "yes", except for the mitigating circumstances.
What mitigating circumstances? Well, it wasn't bad for somebody with his head on backwards.
You remember Betsy Robinson? The name, but I can't put a face to it.
I shouldn't bother.
The face she had then isn't the one she has now.
She's been through two husbands.
You don't accomplish that without a few marks.
I never liked her mother.
Quite right.
I mean, "Love thy neighbour" is all very well, but not when it's someone with inflated ideas about their puff pastry! I always felt sorry for him.
He had to reckon to like it.
I used to see him moping in the garden, trying to work off her Eccles cakes.
Did she? Did she what? Have inflated ideas about her baking? I mean, I've seen you before.
You were always a bit defensive about your buns.
You weren't really keen on competition.
Oh, she was no competition.
She had no instinct for how much lard.
Oh, don't! That was a naughty word where we were.
What word? Lard.
What's wrong with saying lard? Nothing, until you move to where they think it's obscene.
How can lard be obscene? They have this fear of fat.
It's a religious thing.
They're all devout low cholesterol.
You've been in some funny company! If they don't bake with lard, what do they bake with? Well, they don't bake.
Nobody bakes.
They just wouldn't be seen dead without all the latest low fat ingredients.
That place must have been full of neglected husbands, looking for old-fashioned comfort.
Oh, you can find them anywhere! PHONE RINGS Oh, excuse me.
Travis? What have you done? What?! How can you get your foot fast in a drawer? What was your foot DOING in a drawer? Stay there.
Don't pull anything else down, I'm coming.
I'll have to go.
Bless him, it badly affected his co-ordination, living in foreign parts.
I think he does it on purpose so that she comes running home.
Oh, I couldn't do with a husband as affectionate as that.
You wouldn't feel free to be nasty! Oh, I've no doubt you'd manage! Well, I'd try.
But you wouldn't feel comfortable.
Well, just stay there, Travis, I'm on my way.
Ah, Nelly! Would you mind posing for a picture with a Fred Astaire lookalike? It's a charitable thing.
Oh, well, if it's for charity.
Ah! Over here.
Fine, don't worry about it.
Come along, Smiler! Nelly's waiting.
I can't do it! I've changed me mind.
Me feet are too big! Don't be so silly! THEY ALL ENCOURAGE SMILER I'm sorry, I can't wait.
I've got Travis fast in a drawer.
Come along, man! You can't keep the lady waiting.
You'll be all right.
Couple of quick snaps.
Big smile and it's all over.
Just hold the lady as if you're dancing.
What are you doing, you long loony? Get off! You can't pack it in because of one nasty experience.
We'll find you a female that's more co-operative.
And, speaking of which It works! It works! Up there? Yes.
There's not enough excitement in those pictures.
I found it quite exciting, being snatched up as I walked past.
Needs more va-va-voom.
I'm game if he is! He's ready for va-va-voom.
I can feel it.
Fred Astaire and his sister once danced on the roof of a taxi.
I'm not paying for a taxi! You're doing it up here in Entwistle's truck.
Alvin will take the pictures.
You'll look really Fred Astaire if you can dance in a moving truck.
Right.
Stand by! Oh! You can do it, Smiler.
Think of the drama, the effect.
You'll look sensational! You want us to dance on the roof of a moving milk float?! Well, you won't pay for a taxi.
Excuse me, wouldn't it be dangerous? No, what's dangerous about it? Well, maybe just a bit.
A bit which you can overcome by skill and daring.
How is he on skill and daring? I always felt he had it in him.
You never said.
I was waiting for the right occasion.
And here it is.
Lucky you! Not only the right occasion, but your act of skill and daring will be captured on camera.
That puts me in a quandary.
What's your problem? I'm not sure which is my best side to be photographed from, whilst falling from a milk float.
We make you fall twice.
I get you both sides.
There's no need for any falling.
He'll be driving steadily.
That's all this thing does is steadily.
Think of the impact when you show the pictures to your lady.
Think of the impact when you take a nosedive off the roof(!) Oh! Oh Oh, stop winding him up.
He'll be fine.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Good heavens! Your nerves, lad! You need a tonic.
And I've got just the thing.
What were you doing down there, Aunty? Looking for the phantom sixpence.
I'll find it yet.
What's a phantom sixpence? It's the one you can't find.
I dropped it.
I know it's there somewhere.
It's a while since I've seen a sixpence.
It's a while since I've seen THAT one.
I hate losing things.
When did you drop it? Still, that's enough of my troubles.
There you are.
What's that? Your tonic.
It's a cuckoo clock! Hm.
They're very soothing.
It's a medical fact.
They use them in Switzerland instead of anaesthetic.
I never knew that! They don't tell everybody.
I'm only allowed to tell you because you've bought all this stuff.
But I haven't bought anything yet.
That's only because I haven't sold it to you yet.
I don't want a cuckoo clock.
I want some elegant evening wear.
I thought maybe, top hat and tails.
How daft can you get? Oh, don't get me wrong.
I like daft.
It's very attractive in a customer.
Now, let me think.
Elegant evening wear with a pocket for your cuckoo clock.
Well, go on then! Up you go.
Once you're up we'll pass Marina up.
I wish I'd worn something more suitable for being handled roughly.
You got an outfit for every occasion? It never hurts to be prepared.
You're all looking! Of course we're all looking! You're the centre of attention here.
It's your big moment.
I don't want anybody looking while I'm climbing up.
Listen at him, he's getting all temperamental! Stardom's gone straight to his head! You point camera, they all become Madonna! Not from this angle! If it's a Madonna lookalike you're after, I'm sure there's something much closer! Turn your backs on him, people, if it makes him nervous.
Let's get this show on the road.
Are you happy now? Can we proceed? No peeping! Nobody's looking at you! Get on with it! It sounds very difficult.
A girl might need a hand.
No free hand.
Mine on camera.
Are you up yet? How's it going, Smiler? I'm not as nimble as I used to be! You never were.
There's a good view.
Oh, that's nice, we're standing here like muffins and he's enjoying the view! CRASH, SMILER SCREAMS Any luck? You call this luck? Your husband locks you in the boot? I wouldn't trust anybody else.
You're the only woman I'd ever lock in the boot.
You're not just saying that? No.
Oh, Barry! You certainly know how to coax a girl into your boot! Did you locate the squeak? Getting closer.
It's somewhere in this area.
Oh, that's great! You're great in the boot! Let's give it another try.
Barry! I thought Glenda would be here.
I thought Glenda would be here.
I expect she's busy.
I saw her in the car with Barry.
Oh, he does drive it then, as well as polish it? They seem very close.
They go everywhere together.
Get your right ear to the carpet.
There he is again.
That's just damn cheeky.
We'll have him this time.
SIREN WAILS Oh! Expecting rain, Howard? Does that look good, or what? Why, Howard! That's very smart! Well, you have to make the effort occasionally.
Take the strain! Heave! Aargh! Heave! Aargh! Heave! Heave! Heave! This place gets weirder.
Started keeping their wives in t'boot.
Shows initiative though, wouldn't you say? That's a bit cheeky in broad daylight! I was just giving the lady a glimpse under my raincoat! I'm taller! I bet I'm two inches taller! Aunty will cut you down to size when she sees her milk float! I think we better have a collection for him.
He's going to find it expensive.
Well, must go.
Hey! What about the collection? I supplied rope.
CAR HORN BEEPS It's all a mistake, Cleggy! Friend of yours? Huh? Promise to vouch for him, we'll let him go.
Vouch for him? That's close enough.
Ye gods! I've just adopted Howard!