Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s28e10 Episode Script

You shouldn't be rubbing your eye if you've got something in it.
Something? It feels like a block of flats.
Oh, come here.
Wet the end.
Of your hanky! Wet the end! OK, that's it.
Done.
Done? I haven't finished yet.
Yes, you have.
I have a bet with Entwistle I could get you gazing into my eyes.
Oh! It was only one eye, you little weasel! It doesn't count.
Close enough.
I'd sooner be gazing at your back.
At least you'd be going in the right direction.
Even with one eye, be honest.
I bet your heart's beating faster.
There's no man makes my heart beat faster.
They're better at giving you heartburn! One eye not count.
You didn't say anything about both eyes! I think that close to Nora Batty deserves a prize of some sort.
You're right.
How many have been that close to Nora Batty and lived? I imagine a scent of furniture polish and a trace of all-purpose cleaner.
With a hint of bleach.
Sounds powerfully attractive.
Except, of course, to the opposite sex.
It should have been both eyes.
One eye sneaky.
I am.
I am Alvin.
Captain Sneaky.
I failed sneaky.
I'm fond of a bit of sneaky myself.
I was trained by the former Mrs Truelove.
A master of the art.
Hey, look! Man throwing rocks! Maybe something we said? Well, maybe he thought we were trespassing.
Out there not trespassing.
Did anyone get a good look at him? I would describe him as an angry bloke, throwing rocks.
But why, may I ask? Well, there'll be a reasonable explanation.
He's the local lunatic.
I thought Alvin was local lunatic.
Not out there.
I only cover round here.
You're too modest, Alvin.
You're daft enough for further than that.
He's there again.
Peeping out.
Is he a bundle of nerves? I hope so, else I'm losing my touch.
Does he have a skin rash? They have some nasty skin rashes.
That could account for his agitation.
I can usually manage to account for his agitation.
Travis gets red blotches.
They do.
They seem to overheat at the slightest excitement.
Sometimes he clashes terribly with the wallpaper.
Of course, if they're properly trained, they shouldn't BE in a state of excitement.
Yes, but we don't all have your natural advantages.
I've always found Howard very good at reducing excitement.
Travis gets quite emotional.
He doesn't say much, but you can sense him squirming inside.
It puts a great strain on his underwear.
I'm always buying him new underwear.
Do you buy them loose enough? You've got to give them room to shuffle in.
They all seem to be natural shufflers.
I blame it on feeling guilty.
Howard always manages to make his vest ride up.
It's always halfway up his back.
You should buy them longer.
Make him tuck them well in.
It makes no never mind.
He can lift any amount of vest.
He's there again.
He moves much faster than Travis.
Oh, he's fast all right.
What does he keep looking out here for? I think we're blocking his escape.
I suppose we could move.
No.
Let him suffer.
Yes, that's always best.
It never did mine any harm.
He died though, didn't he? Well, yesbut I don't think it was just to avoid ME.
We come in peace.
Works in the movies.
Try it again.
Louder.
One day, white man and red man will live in peace.
Bog off! Sounds like a native.
Turn away.
I don't want to see your faces.
Just changing my library book.
I shan't be long.
Is he much of a reader? Not as much as he's a much of a something else.
We should do this more often.
Your husband offers endless scope for entertainment.
You should see him in his hiking shorts.
PHONE RINGS Oh.
That'll be Travis.
Not now, Travis.
We're following someone.
Yes, it's a man.
It belongs to Pearl.
Stop fussing, Travis.
Yes, I know what your mother said about chasing men.
This isn't a man, it's a husband.
He's going into the open field.
Now what? He'll see us.
All he wants is not to see faces.
We can do that.
BARRY SIGHS I have to tell you, Glenda, this is not as absorbing as golf.
You said you were giving up golf.
I was lying.
I thought you knew me well enough to know when I'm lying.
If it involves other women, I shall know instantly.
Golf is a grey area.
I love the game, Glenda.
It's just that people keep turning up and embarrassing me.
The other golfers all stare at me.
They think the only people I know are weirdos.
Well, you won't have to worry about that out here.
This is one I can't be blamed for.
How do, Barry! Hello, Barry.
Hello, Barry.
He's going in the library.
We've misjudged him.
I suppose we ought to feel ashamed.
Tricky little devil.
Why? That's where he said he was going.
That's what I mean.
It's getting so you can't even rely on not believing a word he says.
PHONE RINGS Sorry.
What? No, we've finished that.
We've stopped following him.
No, we haven't.
Whoops! Catch you later, Travis, we're on again.
It's Pearl! Well, I never.
Fancy seeing you here.
I bet it's the last thing you fancy.
Not that you aren't welcome, of course.
Don't welcome me, you little weasel.
Well, where is she? I'm sure I don't know who you mean.
What happened to the woman who came in here? I can assure you, nothing ever happens to the ladies in my library.
Unfortunately, that includes me.
Is there another exit? Staff only, round there.
Could I just say My advice is, keep it shut.
You are on probation.
Hang about Hang about.
We can't help our faces.
They're all we've got.
Stay back! Begone! Begone? Who the heck says things like begone? He does.
I just heard him.
I've seen people in these highly confused states before.
What was correct procedure? They need humouring, understanding a sympathetic ear until you get close enough to hit them with something.
Oh, well, if you're just going to spoil them.
Begone, you forces of darkness! I command you in the name of er Oh, yes! This one's well gone.
I like him.
He's nutcase.
I knew there had to be a reason.
Go on, then.
Command us in the name of who? Well, I had it a minute ago.
It were on the tip of me tongue.
When you do remember, I should write it down.
Don't worry.
You live and learn.
Keep back! I warn you.
I'm wearing garlic.
If that's supposed to be a deterrent, you're in trouble.
We all like Italian.
Although in the wrong hands it has a tendency to splash.
Why look at me? Because you can make spaghetti travel further than your truck.
One time.
You put wrong spin on your spaghetti one time and they never forget.
Oswaldkirk! I command you in the name of Brother Oswaldkirk! Write it down.
Have you got a pen? Don't encourage him.
He looks harmless.
I'm not harmless.
I deny harmless.
I'm deadly when roused.
Hold on Is there any women in here? We'll buy you a pint, Sinclair.
For anything extra, you're on your own.
I don't think he WANTS one.
I think he's more in fear of one.
Sounds reasonable to me.
Yes, I am in fear.
And there's not one, there's a dozen.
A dozen? Were you going for the record? I were going along nicely - until I crossed paths with that lot.
A dozen? That's a lot of paths, Sinclair.
He must have had a bicycle.
I didn't cross them separately, they were all in one lump.
What was the attraction? Were they offering a group discount? Attraction? Nightmare, is what it is.
It wasn't love life! It was just a sporting interest.
You can tell me.
I was in the Vice Squad.
And they weren't just women.
They were more.
More than twelve? Unlucky thirteen? More than flesh and blood.
Scary.
Full of strange powers.
Dark powers.
Frightening.
Of course, I didn't realise it at the time.
Well, you don't.
You have to be married for a while.
They were witches.
You couldn't tell at first.
They looked like ordinary women, but with numbers on their jerseys.
Witches wear numbers on their jerseys? This lot do.
Witches can't remember their own names? What makes you think they were witches? All I know is things have never been right for me since I insulted them.
A coven of witches, with numbers on their jerseys.
Oh, I know what you mean.
It doesn't sound likely, I'd agree with you.
I've never believed in that sort of thing myself.
You think it's all hokum till you find out.
The hard way.
A dozen witches? Round here? Yes Round here.
I can think of one or two who might qualify.
Me too.
But twelve is pushing it a bit.
Well, there were twelve of 'em.
Including their trainer-manager.
I am on the hit list of eleven witches who've got their own trainer-manager! That's bad! Trainer-manager! I believe him.
You're from Hull.
You believe anybody.
There's something about him.
It's called being loopy.
And he's very good at it.
You can laugh.
You're not under the curse of the Wormley Witches.
Oh, Sinclair! The Wormley Witches are a ladies' football team.
Well, that's what I thought.
I told you.
A sporting interest.
I went along to watch them play.
You want my advice? Don't ever start shouting funnies at the Wormley Witches when they're losing.
Is that you, Barry? Yes, it's me.
This feller who might as well sell his binoculars.
Oh, Barry.
I hope this setback to your birdwatching won't lessen your sporting interest in being cuddled.
It won't.
I'm up for being cuddled.
So you won't need your binoculars.
Oh, I was looking forward to a bit of business with the binoculars.
I might have become one of the great twitchers.
If only your friends would pretend they didn't know you.
Wouldn't that be rude? Better than a whole gaggle of people hiding their faces and shouting, "How do, Barry"! You'd only be hurt if they didn't speak to you.
You'd have a sleepless night worrying if you'd said something.
Under my breath, I tell you, I WAS saying something.
Oh, Barry! Come and have a cuddle.
Thank you, Glenda, but I've got this headache.
So You got yourself disliked? Disliked? You think it were just disliked? I've been in fear of my life ever since.
You were watching them play, and you got a bit gobby.
As you do.
WellI may have shouted out one or two amusing comments.
I mean, that's what the game's for.
Brings out the wit and wisdom in you.
Witches not appreciate wit and wisdom? Well, what kind of footballers are they if they can't take a bit of hammer? What makes you think they might really be witches? The things that have been happening to me since.
If it weren't for my crucifix and the garlic, I would not be here now.
What kind of things have been happening? They broke a mirror.
I've seen their goalie.
She could break mirror.
They broke MY mirror! Telepathy or something.
I got home, and there was a crack right across it.
And that thunderstorm yesterday.
Now, come on, you can't blame them for that.
No? How come the lightning just missed me? I could smell it.
My hair stood on end.
When you say just missed you How? All right, it were on t'other side of road, but if you'd seen that lot shooting at goal, you'd realise that were damn close by their standards.
Maybe they'll get you on a penalty.
Aaaaagh! They must be worth more than that.
It's never what things are worth, lad.
It's what you can get.
Good heavens! A coach party.
We need a man that looks magical and mysterious.
That looks more powerful than witches.
Or even traffic warden.
What? What? Fancy a bit of witchcraft, Barry? I'm not in the mood.
You ended my birdwatching career.
The birds will still be there, Barry.
We need you for an errand of mercy.
We've got to unspell this idiot we've recently discovered.
Best one for ages.
If you like garlic.
I'm sorry.
I've got thisheadache.
We're going to have to mend Barry.
Oh, he'll come round again.
You can't expect him to be cheerful at the moment.
I've just bought his binoculars.
Poor Barry.
They say time is great healer.
Of course, they could be lying.
I look at it this way.
He's just had a lesson that could serve him for the rest of his life.
It's a charity thing we do for our customers.
We'll sort Barry out later.
Meanwhile, we need a person who looks as if he might be in touch with other worlds.
Which sounds to me like Smiler.
You could be right.
He's not in touch with this one.
Also need assistant.
Where do you want these tables putting? What? What? My Barry says he's given up sporting activities.
My Howard says the same.
But I think he's lying.
I don't think Travis ever HAD any sporting activities.
Unless you count worrying.
What's he worried about? Everything, usually.
Last week, it was meteorites.
This week it's earthquakes.
I found him in the garden with his ear to the ground.
Well, I've heard of green fingers, but green ears is pushing it a bit.
He wants to worry about creepy-crawlies in his ear.
Oh, don't start him on anything else.
What do passers-by think when they see him with his ear to the ground? They think he's dead.
We've had the ambulance twice.
Can't you keep him indoors? That's not as easy as you think.
Doesn't he get a dirty ear? It's the first thing I check when I get home.
They're sneaky.
He's probably washed it.
Is he left-eared or right-eared? Oh, I always check both.
You have to be thorough.
There's many a husband been lost through casual inspections.
Say hello to everyone, Barry.
Hello, everyone.
Uncanny.
Marvellous.
Never seen anything like it.
Excuse me, stranger! Is this the way to the Master? Seekand ye shall find.
I've just been in.
And did you find? I found.
Marvellous! He was recommended by a clairvoyant at Pilkington's Bakeries.
Knows when the jam is just right.
"Go and see the Master", he said.
And you did.
I did.
Incredible.
You wouldn't believe the powers that that man has.
And he looks so Gormless? I was thinking more on the lines ofunassuming.
Is he any good? Is he any good?! I went in there a complete cripple.
How do you feel now? Terrible.
But when I went in, I couldn't feel a thing.
He's made all the difference.
Ow! If you're the victim of small magic, Sinclair, you need big magic to cure it.
And this feller's big magic? In a hut on the allotments? He's renounced all worldly possessions.
Gave me his iPod.
Offered us his wife, but we'd rather have cash.
BELL RINGS Are ye seekers after truth? We are, your worship.
This bloke especially.
If not the truth, some acceptable substitute.
He doesn't look all that big magic.
He's just the assistant.
Well, if he's so magical, how come he needs an assistant? It's mainly for the paperwork.
Tell your Master, Brother Sinclair here needs a spell removing.
I'll see if the Master is available.
He is.
It's your lucky day.
He IS available.
What's this? Free sample of t'Master's words of wisdom.
"Visit Auntie's for all your household needs"? Wrong side.
I thought of applying for firearms training.
Impress the wife a bit.
She thinks all I'm fit for is needlework.
Firearms? They make a loud bang, you do realise.
I can handle loud bangs.
I saw you when that lorry backfired.
I were just dozing off.
That doesn't count.
Besides, when you're shooting they give you these big ear muffs.
Only for training.
Not when it's for real, out there on t'streets.
They expect you to shoot people without wearing ear muffs? I should stick to needlework.
I didn't say I did it.
It's just how the wife sees me.
Does she let you thread your own needle? This is it? This is the cure? A barbecue? Make smoke.
Inhale smoke See visions.
What kind of stuff is that? Take deep breaths.
It's a vision enhancer.
Get better reception.
HD ready.
Some people are so impressed HE COUGHS .
.
they get thoroughly sick.
HE GROANS COUGHING Oh, 'eck That's it! I'm done.
I'm finished.
I'm cured.
I'm not going through that again.
It's worse than witches.
I told you he was marvellous.
Did you see visions? Whoa That was some vision! Don't be too hard on him.
It's worth the price of admission just to listen to his excuses.
YOU listen.
I'd sooner be hard on him.
I was taking cover from this nasty smell, when I stumbled across that young lady.
I must have been stupid.
What kind of idiot believes in such a thing as terrifying witches? Can you smell smoke? HE SNIFFS No.
Can YOU smell smoke? HE SNIFFS No.