Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s29e01 Episode Script

You're flagging, Barry.
You're not breathing right.
Who'swho's breathing? You've not found your rhythm.
Go on, tell me I'm wrong.
Haven't found me breath, yet! Look at me, Barry.
You're thinking, "How does he do it?" Rhythm! Gotta find your rhythm.
Right.
Got it.
Rhyth-um.
I can't help you till then.
Track it down, Barry.
Some of us just know where it is.
We feel it instinctively.
Doesn't mean the rest of you can't work at it.
The "R" word, Barry.
Track it down.
Give it a shot.
He never went anywhere without a Nuttalls Minto.
You could hear his lips smacking.
You could find him in the dark.
Did you have occasion to find him in the dark? Well, no.
No, actually, but it must have been handy for anyone who did.
Somebody, somebody who was desperate for a Nuttalls Minto! CROAKING She'll come storming out with a face like bad weather! Are you ready? "Ready!" I like your style.
What are you doing with that thing? It expressed a wish to look through your kitchen window.
Where's the harm, I thought.
It's not like a bedroom.
Neither Frog nor I would ever have the nerve to peek in your bedroom.
Don't you be standing there talking about my bedroom! I don't talk about bedrooms with the opposite sex.
No wonder your Wally spent his time with his pigeons.
And what about you with your frog? What kind of a person of your age is still playing with a frog? Well, there's only me, you and the frog, and you're not all that playful.
And I intend to stay that way! Is it plastic? Ask it.
What do you mean, "ask it"?! "What's the matter? You don't speak to frogs?" You get dafter! And that goes for your frog too! "I thought you said she was attracted to you?" Who said?! It's more an obsession, really.
Attracted? I'd sooner have a broken leg! "How do you feel about frogs?" Oh! We did well.
You've never hated anybody.
You said so yourself.
I lied.
Rubbish! You're even nice to people you can't stand.
But I used to hate being nice to people I can't stand.
You're a cuddly toy, Barry.
I threw away my teddy bear for you.
Not any more.
You are looking at The Mean Machine.
I never knew how it felt to be really nasty, and I'm quite enjoying it.
As you do, now and again.
This is full time.
I hate Boothroyd.
And I'm going to keep hating Boothroyd.
I'm going to make him my hobby.
What's so wrong with Mr Boothroyd, anyway? What's wrong with him?! Anybody can see what's wrong with him.
He's always tanned and fit! I know what you mean! And another thing.
He passes you when you're jogging.
You've passed other joggers.
Only once.
And he was having a heart attack.
What's this one like? It's you.
You'll like it.
You won't be able to put it down.
I can put down.
It's getting picked up that's a problem! Which is why we read.
The last book was sad.
She died.
It was a biography.
If you read about dead people, you shouldn't be surprised that they die.
It's put me off biography, if they're always going to die.
Ahh! Then you must try this deeply felt, emotionally plausible study of the grief that follows the break-up of a relationship.
It speaks of the tragedy of loss, the pain of loneliness, the absence of hope.
But does it have a happy ending? Yes! I like that in a book, don't you? She meets this sensitive butvery muscular world peace activist on holiday in Ibiza.
I know it.
It's that place with a Z.
Is he free? Yes.
Suddenly, quite unexpectedly free of all entanglements, and in need of the love of a good woman because his partner has just drowned.
Oh, yes I do like a happy ending! You look as if you could use one.
I could.
Don't you just hate it when life is not as helpful as fiction? I mean, what are the chances of our meeting some hunk whose partner has just drowned? Slim! Makes you wonder why they bothered building all the canals.
Have you seen this? Take a look at this.
Is that disgusting or what? He's on his own frontage.
Practising martial arts.
What an exhibitionist! Should he be loving himself quite so much, when he's mentally under age? You're getting a thing about Mr Boothroyd.
I wouldn't call it "a thing"! I just want to kill him, that's all.
Oh! Since you're going that way, I was wondering if you'd mind delivering this note? First or second class? What's the difference? A pound.
A pound?! All right.
Don't excite yourself.
That's still disgusting.
No.
For disgusting, it's £2.
You're still mad at me.
I'm not still mad at you.
I just felt I had to say something.
Every time you do it I have to grit me teeth! I try to control it.
Well, try harder! I can't stand seeing people wiping me cutlery.
I don't give people dirty cutlery.
I know.
It's a habit, I get it from Travis.
He's worse than I am.
Ooh! Does that look guilty, or what? Well, it's not "or what".
HE GRUNTS I think I'd rather have a gnome in the garden.
I never thought I'd hear me say that.
Thinks he's Bruce Lee.
Or could be Peggy Lee! I find I'm usually standing next to elbows like that when I'm in a bus queue! You're too late, really.
You need to start younger.
This takes years.
Have we got years? Ask him about a short course.
People ask me sometimes what it's all for.
You've got to feel it.
It's the achievement.
Just the being there.
Riding the peak.
What's he doing? He's riding a peak.
The peak of mental and bodily fitness.
You're thinking, "Wow, he hasn't even broke a sweat yet".
That's what I mean.
It's the achievement.
Catch this! You won't see this move every Wednesday.
Looks more fun than rupture! Only just.
And he's doing this in broad daylight, where all the neighbours can see? Shameless.
Never even blushed when we backed up to watch him.
Not one blush.
Unless he blushes where you can't see.
You think the blood rushes to his navel? Way he throws legs about, blood could be anywhere.
He doesn't sound as if he blushes at all! How can you go through life without blushing? I mean, how else do you know when you're making a twit of yourself? Don't worry, we'll tell you.
That's what friends are for.
You backed up to watch him? Could that be classed as being nosy, do you think? It's the frog.
People fascinate him.
Where have you been, Cleggy? I've had to get my note delivered by Tom.
Oh, you sent it first class, then.
Snailpace Express.
Ah! Tom! Shrewd choice.
He was all that was available.
Oh! I used to use that excuse to explain the former Mrs Truelove.
Of course, I'm sorry if I was absent, Howard, but if it's any consolation, I wouldn't have delivered it anyway.
Oh! And whose is this, then? "Who wants to know?" "Butterfingers!" Ah, hello, Barry.
Martial arts, eh? Things getting lively in the mortgage business, are they? I was wondering how long it would take to be proficient.
Oh I should think at least 30 pages, Barry.
I don't want to kill anybody.
If I could just break a leg or something.
You're upset, Barry.
We can tell.
If it's only a leg, Barry, do you need the whole book? Why don't you consult that dollop in your street? He acts like he's an expert.
Boothroyd?! That's him.
He's the leg.
It's him I'd like to beat for once.
At martial arts? Is he any good? At everything.
He's insufferable.
If I can't beat him at something, I'm going to have to sell the house and move.
I had a cousin like that.
Although to be fair, he's much easier to get along with these days.
Oh, they do improve, then? What caused the improvement? He died.
I can't wait that long.
Boothroyd is so fit.
Well, I'd challenge him for you, but I swore to use my powers only for the protection of the innocent.
So that's what you were doing with Mrs Ferniclough? I've been advised not to talk about that.
Especially to Mr Ferniclough! There is no "Mr Ferniclough".
He left her years ago.
A premonition.
He saw it coming.
All I did was retune her telly.
Every Tuesday? Ignore this, Barry.
They've just made it up.
Maybe you won't need to challenge Boothroyd, Barry.
I've got to do something before he rules the world! It's going to be tricky.
He looked to me like the kind of bighead who's bound to win.
I know.
He looks like that to me too.
So it's tricky.
Calm yourself, lad, we specialise in "tricky"! We?! You've done "tricky"! Not me, no.
I failed basic honeymoon.
Some of us are accomplished at "tricky".
Now, let's see! Just as good as actually beating the man would be if you were to witness him backing off from a challenge.
Seeing Boothroyd chickening out? Yeah! I like it! It's Mr Boothroyd.
Barry's getting a thing about him.
Well, it could be worse, love.
It could be Mrs Boothroyd! You're getting very cynical lately.
I deny "lately".
Is Mr Boothroyd the one with the tan? Yes.
Barry thinks he does it deliberately.
So you've noticed him? In passing, yes.
So it's not just other people's spoons? I said I'm sorry.
Has she been at that again? She does it in the cafe.
Well, you do in cafes.
Not in mine, you don't.
What's she been doing? It's not a felony.
She double-checks the cutlery.
She wipes it when she thinks you're not looking.
She'll find no need to wipe mine.
I know.
I know.
I'm trying to give it up.
Me mother used to do it.
We all do it when we're somewhere strange.
Yes.
What are you doing? I'm double-checking my spoons.
You needn't bother.
They're all right.
We've all checked.
Right now What the lad here needs is a martial arts costume.
Something well padded.
For beginners.
He jests.
He wants what the Grand Masters wear.
It's basically a pair of pyjamas.
I'm sure I can adapt.
I'm not going out in pyjamas.
Well, Alvin did when he was tuning Mrs Ferniclough's telly.
Once.
In an emergency.
She'd lost the late night movie.
Thanks for coming, bye.
Bye! Looks good.
You're halfway there.
Looks good now, what about when it's covered in blood? You're not going to fight.
You're only going to challenge Boothroyd to fight.
I can't help feeling that's still approaching what you might call "dangerous".
Yeah.
Sounds that way to me.
Before he gets anywhere near a fight, Entwistle is going to step in, looking as if he invented martial arts, and he will challenge Boothroyd.
Just a thought.
Supposing Boothroyd accepts the challenge to fight Entwistle? Yes, I was wondering that.
Would you accept a challenge from a Grand Master Black Belt? I wouldn't accept one if he was wearing braces! No reflection on the man's courage, but even a Boothroyd is going to back off when he's faced with one of the masters of the art.
Even when the master is actually just your dozy, amiable pillock? Boothroyd doesn't know Entwistle is a dozy, amiable pillock.
It didn't take us long to find out! Takes one to know one.
Have we got a Plan B in case Boothroyd doesn't back off? II didn't know you were into this stuff, Barry.
I've a long way to go.
I'm still learning to take the pain.
I bet he could teach you! Where did you find him? On the Internet.
Have you tried Google? You should have told me you were on the path.
The master doesn't like us boasting about it.
Tell all pupils.
Keep gob shut.
He'she's picking up the language all right.
He's very fast.
I love it.
It's just what those of us of the warrior class need round here.
He looks fast.
How is he mentally? Opinions differ.
Has he got absolute control of his breathing? I do in and out.
I bet he knows a move or two.
Yeah.
Look at him.
It's written all over him.
Famous for it.
Visit my website.
Listen! Do you think he'd mind? I don't want to intrude, but I'd really appreciate You want autograph? I was hoping you and me, we could have a fight.
You want fight? Yeah.
With you? What an opportunity! Pretty full calendar.
And taking time out to grow pony tail.
I won't take no.
This is too good to miss.
It's fate.
I've sensed it.
They laughed when I told them, I, Boothroyd, am essentially samurai! Plan B! BEEP Get in! You're wanted.
Good heavens! Who would have thought that excitement, when it came, would come by milk float? I've been asked to get you.
Would you care to clarify that? Howard asked me to bring you.
Puts his order in and expects delivery.
I feel like a takeaway.
Have I time to pop home and change? No.
You look gorgeous.
I like a man who knows how to lie! Why me? Because you're expendable.
He's joking.
He means you're "available".
For innocent activities with respectable ladies, not for anything lethal.
It's not compulsory to be lethal.
Sometimes it just ends in "badly injured".
Stop making him nervous.
They're not making me nervous.
I'm managing it all by myself.
You'll be fine.
We're almost certain.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't resist that.
I can resist all of this.
Let him do it.
He's dressed for it.
Well, he has to be.
He's the one you'll be fighting.
Is he going to be rough? No worse than Pearl.
As rough as that? Relax! Plan is I lose.
You win.
But do I win easily? You win easily.
You're so good you demolish this Grand Master in 30 seconds.
That's a whole half-minute! Boothroyd will be watching.
He'll see you destroying this Grand Master.
There's no way he'll want to fight you after that.
You're going to be famous for being lethal.
Pubs will fall quiet when you walk through the door.
Will the fight be on grass? I don't want to be falling on anything hard.
It'll be on grass.
Stop panicking.
No.
I'm sorry, it's not really convenient.
I'd made arrangements for a nature walk with a fellow student of botany.
Then we'll arrange it where she can see it.
You don't mind her seeing what a deadly force you are, do you? As long as she understands I only use it for righting wrongs.
Right.
Over there.
How lethal is he? Oh, pretty lethal.
He knows this is just a friendly? You've told him I'm not out to hurt him? I'll mention it.
Looking good, Mr Entwistle.
I wish I could force myself into positions like that.
Me too.
Give us a pull.
I'm stuck.
Off you go then, killer.
You're on.
I don't want any slip-ups.
Don't lie to me.
You spend your life looking to slip up! I deny that.
I hardly know the lady.
Are you sure she'll be watching? Trust me.
Get on with it.
HE GRUNTS A SALUTE What's this then? Greetings, Master.
Master? I thought you were the Master.
This one bigger.
We call him The Finger! Must be a little finger! Don't laugh at his finger.
Whatever you do, never laugh at his finger.
It was just a joke.
That's what the Bulgarian world champion thought till he met The Finger.
What happened? They said he'd never walk again.
But the Zimmer frame's making a real difference.
What does he do with this finger? It's hard to tell.
He's so fast.
Where did he learn this finger stuff? A secret monastery in the hills behind Halifax.
We're in luck.
We're going to see two legendary masters in action.
You can fight the winner.
Would that be polite? I don't want to get pushy.
Anyone for finger? Is he dead? No.
Only do dead if finger slip! How often does his finger slip? He's a bit careless since he started having the blackouts.
Umis it that the time already? I promised Edna I'd pick her frock up from the cleaner's.
It's been an honour.
I wonder if I might shake you by the? You and me, we'll tangle some other time.
All these years, I've been married to Bruce Lee.
I wonder if Travis has been hiding anything? I could see something else mine's been hiding.
Whoops! I'll kill him.
What about his finger? Starting with his finger.
Could I have a look, Howard? At the finger? Don't embarrass me.
I hate showing off.
I think that's lovely.
I'm so proud.
It's just a finger.
Not to me, Howard.
To me it will always be my hero's finger.
I want you to remember that I'm sworn to use this only in defence of the downtrodden and the needy.
I hope you'll never tell anyone I have this power.
I hate it when people start idolising me AARRRRGHH! That sounded like a cry of pain.
Yeah, I noticed that.
Do you think maybe we should You want to go looking for pain? Don't you think there's enough pain in the world without going looking for it? Don't you think we ought to? What I think we "ought to" is look for the positive.
Chase the rainbow.
Find the bluebird.
Look at things that lift the spirit.
I like that.
So eat your sandwich.
When a wife's really mad, do you think her bite might go septic? Bound to.
The infamous Lola Paloma killed three husbands like that.
Biting their finger? She went for the ear.
Quick nibble andbang! Course, a finger's going to take longer.
You could have weeks, Howard.
Is there no antidote? Against Pearl? I wouldn't think so! All you can do is keep circling your finger.
Agitates the poison.
Makes it weaker.
That's it.
You've got it.
YouLola Paloma!