Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s29e04 Episode Script

And there is no doubt in my mind that what we see in almost every case of failure is a lack of any clear goal.
And this is followed by a downward spiral and a loss of confidence in the whole project.
I sometimes think people are getting weirder.
I've noticed that.
With you, for a start.
I told you.
I'm under pressure.
Hasn't she forgiven you yet? No.
Are you still in t'spare bedroom? Yes.
I don't think I'll get out of there until we have visitors.
I'm almost tempted to invite her mother.
Wished to be remembered to you.
I heard he wasn't well.
He never said.
I'm sure he would have done.
People confide in me.
I'm a warm human being.
I can see warm, but are you sure about the other bit? You're no warmer than anybody else.
It can seriously affect the shelf life of your underwear.
I'm the kind of person people trust.
I could have been a great surgeon.
But mother didn't want me poking about in all the messy bits.
You could have washed your hands.
I told her.
People get under your fingernails.
People get everywhere.
Did he look well? Who? You were telling us about Oh, him! He seemed all right.
Well, I mean, he never looked like Mr Universe, did he? He never looked like Mrs Universe! Wasn't he once scared by one of Nora Batty's hats? No, that was me.
And me.
I don't like you mixing with this former criminal person.
He wasn't just your ordinary criminal.
He speaks beautifully.
He uses words like "implausible".
When is he going to use one like "goodbye"? He only used to steal from the highest social circles.
I don't like you mixing with criminal elements, even if they are retired.
Well, it's not just me.
Miss Davenport found him first.
Why does he have to have two of you? I wouldn't call that retired.
We remind him of the two Romanian princesses whose jewellery he returned because he couldn't bear to see them unhappy.
I don't want to hear any more! What's wrong with my hats? You should let me pick one for you.
You? What do you know about hats? I have a flair for ladies' accessories.
I am Alvin, lover of beautifully turned-out women.
You could be my biggest challenge.
And you could have a flair in your ear hole if you keep going on about my hats! You should consider these generous offers.
Don't you want to be transformed into something strangely desirable? Mind you, I'm not saying I can do it with just one hat.
Did you know old Venables was dead? Well, I had my suspicions.
I was at his funeral.
You never said.
Well, It wasn't planned.
I was just passing the church, when the cars arrived and then their Harold dragged me in.
Were you dressed for a funeral? I suppose you could say that I'm always dressed for a funeral.
Another one looks ready for a funeral.
You live in the fast lane - you see what happens.
Fast lane? I'm too slow for a hard shoulder.
I'm just someone's plaything, until some flash talker comes along using words like "implausible".
HE LAUGHS It's all right for you, laughing.
Yes? We were looking for Tom.
He's not for sale.
But I could do you something more reliable.
Stay just where you are.
We only wanted quick word.
Today's quick word is "buy".
There's never been a better time.
Come inside, don't hang about in the cold.
Not cold.
Come in out of the sun.
It's dangerous without a hat.
Where is Tom? Tom? Tom? You're becoming obsessive, lad.
He's round the back, clearing out my store.
There's stuff there I haven't seen for years.
What do you want doing with that old safe? Safe? It looks rusty.
Look who's talking! You'd forgotten about it, hadn't you? Oh, they said it would happen.
Your mind goes you end up helpless.
I can reserve that for you for a small deposit.
You give some of the best years of your life to introducing certain people to the wonders of nature.
She's probably seen more wonders than you have.
Well, he does his best.
It can't be easy being George Clooney with only a bicycle.
More like Rosemary Clooney! You see how people react? You have to put up with all the suspicions.
Even though it's perfectly innocent.
It's no good you pleading innocence.
If you want my advice, I'd suggest you try insanity.
He's been trying that for years.
I try my best to be entertaining and instructive and then along comes some flash Herbert and off they run and forget you.
Who is this flash Herbert ruining the wonders of nature for you? It's someone Miss Davenport found.
I think he's had a shady past.
And now it's interfering with your shady future.
"Give it up," Mummy said, "while you're ahead.
" And as she pointed out, I gave it all to the poor anyway.
Anonymously, of course.
I like that in a person.
I liked it first, if you remember.
Before others came along.
But let's be honest.
Oh, yes, let's.
I believe in that.
We both believe in that.
I was growing stale.
You, stale? Never.
I was just going to say that.
The RivieraNiceMonaco.
One gets tired of these jet-set playgrounds, as I'm sure you ladies know.
Glossy, but superficial.
All style and no substance.
I felt that about Skegness.
I was disappointed with Belgium.
Where he left you to pay the hotel? I should think you were! Of course, the Riviera was the place to be for a gentleman jewel thief.
Couldn't keep me hands off the old trinkets in those days.
It wasn't the money.
It was the excitement, really.
The risks.
Although I say it myself, there were few faster up a drainpipe.
You were a gentleman jewel thief? Don't pry! Mr De Wyatt-Brown may not wish Jeremy, please.
Forget the "Mister" and the "Honourable".
Just Jeremy will do fine.
Forget the "Honourable"! You usually do! I've never been left in a hotel in Belgium.
So what went wrong at Skegness? I don't wish to talk about it.
Oh, sorry! Oh, that's funny.
I could always open my money box.
Needs expert with sensitive fingers.
Or maybe big hammer.
I used to use a knife blade.
Failing that, a tin opener.
Then one day, it occurred to me that the neatest way to get your money out was not to put it in.
You were increasing in wisdom.
Not to mention having more to spend on lollipops and comics.
Formative experience.
It was the day I grew up.
And it's going to be another day before you get that thing open! I'm better at ladies' accessories.
I mention this only in passing.
Fancy forgetting the combination.
I couldn't even remember the safe.
Maybe you bought one without knowing the combination.
Who's going to be daft enough to buy a safe without knowing the combination? If it was cheap Oh, yes, well, in that case, if it was cheap.
Are you supposing there might be something valuable in it? Well, I didn't buy it for storing old shoes.
What do you do with old shoes? I wear them.
I can't believe you'd forget anything valuable.
I can't believe it either.
I'm losing me grip.
Cast mind back to last time you remember safe.
It was the 1950s.
Doing good.
Go on.
Go on.
The 1950s.
Something nasty happened to me in the 1950s.
Now what was it? Oh, Lord, that was it.
I had to lend Cousin Maurice some money.
I can't remember if he paid it back! Ask him.
He's dead.
That'll teach me to lend money.
You can do it.
That's not just faith in you, that's an order! I've never given a talk in public.
I've always lacked that executive skill known as a big gob.
You'll have to learn.
It's the basis of modern management.
I'm better as the unobtrusive figure.
The power behind the throne.
Oh, really? Will there be room for two us? Don't think I hadn't noticed.
Maybe you should take this management course.
Women don't need them.
We're born fully equipped.
I think, finally, it all became too easy.
I mean, how many times can one get a kick out of beating the best brains in Interpol? However did you manage to settle down to ordinary life? After all that glamour and excitement! It requires a will of iron.
Strong self-discipline.
Fortunately, second nature to me after my time in Special Forces.
Don't you miss the excitement? You must miss it.
I'm reminded of it in wet weather.
The old wound twinges.
Interpol shot you? No.
Well, not on that occasion anyway.
No, I fell off a roof in Monaco.
Prince Rainier's palace, actually.
Prince Rainier! Did you ever meet him? No, not really.
As I was passing his bedroom window, I was travelling too fast.
Eyelids feeling heavy.
Soon you will sleep and remember combination of safe.
Eyelids getting very heavy.
Is he any good at this? Is he any good? At ancient practices from the dawn of time? He learned them as an apprentice at Hull Fish Docks.
What else can he do? Dress crabsmoke kippers.
How did he get into the electrical business? There's a destiny which shapes our ends.
It's beginning to shape yours a bit.
Now, pay attention.
You don't see this everyday.
I don't believe in all this stuff.
Eyelids very heavy.
You will hear my voice.
Only my voice.
Ignore non-believers.
Eyelids feeling heavy now.
Heavyheavy too heavy to lift.
Sleep sleep.
When I click fingers, you will raise left hand.
You really should write your adventures down, Mr De Wyatt-Brown.
Jeremy, please.
I won't say I haven't thought about it.
I sometimes think about writing mine.
That should fill a few seats on the first bus leaving town.
Oh, Mr Truelove.
You should meet Jeremy.
Although, perhaps you did.
He was a jewel thief.
The former Inspector Truelove.
He used to be Truly of the Yard.
You'd have so much to talk about.
I mean, both of you being in the business, as it were.
He almost met Prince Rainier! I should meet who? You should meet Jeremy! Bit fast on his feet, your Jeremy.
Anyone faster than Howard at escaping has my respect.
Is this another ancient practice from the dawn of time? One of the oldest.
Open it, don't damage it! You want safe in one piece, or what's inside? Well, I don't know which is worth more, do I, the safe or what's inside? What a predicament! We can feel for you.
You want me to bash it, or not? Can you bash it gently? You'll have to gamble.
Take a flyer.
I've been reckless enough, thank you, lending money to our Maurice.
That was 50 years ago! It feels like today.
What we need is a safe cracker.
Somebody with fingers like sensitive antennae.
A professional.
See Marina.
She's got one.
That'll do fine just here.
You know, we don't mind, Mr Truelove, but there are people amongst us that would say that we're not a taxi service.
Oh, that's just as well, cos you're not getting a tip.
I just wish that you wouldn't wave them down in the street.
I always feel like I'm being arrested.
No, that's extra.
What I will give you, though, is some information.
There's a new tea leaf on your patch.
Word is - international jewel thief.
Is he going to be able to get in? He's not slow at pushing his way in.
I see him as someone with an air of quiet incompetence.
Looks lost to me.
Nobody's sounding very confident around here.
He opened Prince Rainier's.
His was easier.
And I had my own tools.
And a little inside help.
Princess Grace? Not really.
We only met socially.
Oh, I only sold her washing machine.
Don't upset the man while he's lying.
Don't be awful.
He knew two Romanian princesses.
Why is this muffin just walking round my safe instead of opening it? Well I'm still in the planning stage.
You see? How professional can you get? Are you sure you can do safes? Of course, it's been a while since I've practised.
It's been a while since you started walking round that safe! One mustn't rush these things.
Well, do something, even if it's slow.
I'm sorry, I can't work without a stethoscope.
Posture! Am I standing effectively? Can't be that bad.
I'm not falling down.
Oh, stop it.
Be serious.
Concentrate.
Shoulders back.
Ask yourself Barry, do you look like someone who knows what he's talking about? Absolutely no.
No chance.
Aah! Glenda! Calm down.
You're letting this thing wreck your nerves.
Now, pull yourself together.
What you need is an audience to practice on.
An audience? It's when some people get together to watch and listen to somebody.
I know what an audience is.
I couldn't rely on that.
You've forgotten everything else since you started with this thing.
So it's your chance to practice on the ladies.
What ladies? You supply the speech.
I'll supply the ladies.
They're coming in a few minutes for my coffee morning.
I wish certain parties could see him now.
I can tell you what the trouble is.
We can see what the trouble is.
It's rusty.
And this stethoscope is left handed and entirely the wrong frequency.
He's rubbish.
Maybe it's not "jewel thief".
Maybe it's "international FUEL thief".
Maybe he nicks petrol from people's cars.
All I know is, he nicks people'soccasional friends.
OK.
Try some Yorkshire Psychology.
Hellothe big hammer! Gentleman jewel thief's best friend.
Never went anywhere without it.
With his initials, of course, tastefully engraved.
Of course, it's not just brute force.
The trick is to know exactly where to strike.
I hope this works.
Lucky I had an anvil.
Feels really lucky.
No wonder you gave this lark up.
Wasn't like this.
I was a powder man.
You had time to powder face? Dynamite! I bet you were, with a powdered face.
Just the right pinch of jelly and kaboom! Will you stop grunting and straining? I can feel a hernia coming on.
Why are you in any danger? Not mine, yours! Do you know, I think the old lady's right.
I believe I've twisted something.
Nothing unimportant, I hope.
International jewel thief! Seen it.
Cary Grant.
Got the girl as well.
International safe cracker! Did that as well.
Wore a dinner jacket.
How often do you see that up a drainpipe? The only one I know round here who makes a career out of jewellery is the wife.
if you've got 43 ears.
I sometimes think mine's got 43 ears.
Hold the rope tight.
Don't let it slip.
I have it under control.
It's wound round my wrist.
An anvil? Is this the working method of your gentleman jewel thief? Cary Grant never did it like this.
Right, steady.
On the count of three Onetwothree! We'll be all right now.
I'm back in my own field, you see.
I wasn't known as Jeremy the Jelly for nothing.
You think he knows what he's doing? No.
Thank you for sharing that.
Where's Howard? He's gone to ground.
For once, without Marina.
And now, the fuse.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank you for your time.
Well, that's it.
Seven minutes?! I'll spread it out.
Talk slower.
Pause for emphasis.
There's going to be more pause than emphasis! Oh, let's face it, Barry, this little talk is never going to go with a bang.
BANG! Whoops! Oh, Jeremy, look what you've done! Good Lord! Is it that time already? I must dash.
I've got an appointment with my social secretary.
What's that written on the bottom of it? Combination of safe! Read it out.
18.
18.
Seven.
Seven.
Oh, it's empty! Oh! Hang on.
What's this? What's that? "I promise to pay Auntie Wainright "the following amount.
Signed, Maurice.
" Oh, well.
If ever he returns from the dead, she's laughing.
The thing is, when we took the car out this morning, we didn't notice it was damaged.
There's a damn great dent in it! How did it go then, the funeral? Funeral? Old Venables.
Oh! Well, it went all right for me.
I don't know how it went for him.
I think that explosion has made me deaf.
What? I don't see why it's made you deaf, you weren't there.
Tell him he'll have to speak up.
I am speaking up! I fell for that one, didn't I? It gets worse.
It's your turn to get the drinks in.
You'll have to speak up.
Good try, Alvin!