Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s29e06 Episode Script

Didn't he move to London? Could one ask why? He had some pathetic excuse like, it was his job.
Some people have no shame.
I used to work in London.
But you came back.
That counts as an apology.
There you are, Nelly.
Does he like shopping? What have you brought him for? You daren't leave him at home.
Stand there.
And don't move.
Oh, look at the face on it.
It's going to be a pleasure carting him about.
It's togetherness, isn't it, love? Let me put my bag in the trolley.
Shopping, Howard? It's compulsory.
How do you manage to get wet through at your age when the weather's fine? Some fool was splashing about in water and it turned out to be me.
I bet you weren't the only fool.
There's no shortage.
No.
I had some company.
You get dafter.
You should give daft a try.
It's therapeutic.
Not when you're living next door to it.
You should come with me sometime.
Let me teach you to splash about in water.
Urgh.
Sounds like fun.
You might be surprised.
I'm irresistible when wet.
Like something on a fishmonger's slab.
And I come without any of those nasty little bones.
Who is she? I've no idea.
He got a shock when he saw her come in.
Oh, she wasn't expected then? No.
He went quite white.
I always suspected he had reasons for going quite white.
Don't they all? I'd no idea you were free.
They said you were married again.
He died.
That must have been sudden.
He was like that impulsive.
What are you doing with yourself these days? Nothingof that nature.
Or shouldn't I ask? No, ask all you like.
I've nothing to hide.
Doesn't sound like you.
No lady on the scene? No, I've given them up.
Maybe you've been saving yourself for someone who used to be special.
I've finished being stupid with women.
I'm enjoying now just being stupid.
You've not been in the right hands lately, that's your trouble.
Well, it's nice seeing you again, Eva.
It gets nicer.
Is it me or is it getting warm in here? Must be off then.
Just remember, Eva's back in town.
Every day seems the same.
The world's lost its colour.
What colour was it? I'm being serious.
I'm exposing my soul here.
I wish you wouldn't, Howard.
I'm more for skimming the surface.
Try being trivial.
I'm good at trivial.
Oh, let him get it off his chest.
I suppose what I'm saying is where's all the magic gone? Beats me.
It certainly skipped past me.
Everything seems so pointless unexciting grey.
Oh, but I like grey.
I won't hear a word against grey.
What happened to mystery wonderment? Everything seems so dull.
Oh, that's another thing.
I'm very comfy with dull.
Well, I'm not.
You little demon, you.
Always in search of something new.
Well, that's how I used to be.
Always in thereup for it.
Then I woke up on Tuesday morning and looked at the same old wallpaper You didn't look at Pearl? No, she was up.
And I had this terrible, clear vision of every day being just the same.
Oh, but that's another thing I'm fond of.
He's impossible.
He likes nothing happening.
That's what the world needs most.
Not me.
I need some variety.
Change your wallpaper.
I knew you'd find it funny.
He wants some excitement.
We must find him some excitement.
PHONE RINGS Are you going to answer that? Could be business.
Well, answer it anyway.
It's scaring the fish.
We've got fish? No, but now we've got an excuse for why we've not got fish.
Sorry.
Closed for business owing to bereavement.
It's for you.
It's Truly.
Have you told him we're busy? You tell him.
He never believes me.
You've caught us at a bad time.
I'm teaching Entwistle to slide smoothly into semi-retirement How's he doing? He's doing pretty nicely, actually.
Could be I'm a natural.
Yeah, we can call in at Cleggy's.
Soon as we have a spare minute.
Get the kettle on.
What about fish? They've been ignoring us.
It's time we ignored them.
Yes.
Thank you.
We'll look forward to that.
Goodbye.
Who was that? Your cousin Freda.
I knew it.
I could tell by your voice.
It's the one you keep for Freda.
I find it very hard to behave naturally with your Freda.
I think her husband feels the same.
She's always got to be so much better than other folk.
It's not tea again? It is.
It's tea again.
This Sunday.
"Nothing special.
" Which means she'll have the best china out.
Take your sunglasses.
You could go blind with all that polish.
Did you tell her I've got a bad leg? You haven't got a bad leg.
I'll get a bad leg.
It's no use, she'd expect me to wheel you there.
She must have bought something new she wants to make me jealous with.
Couldn't we just go and not stay for tea? It's compulsory.
It's not just a meal, it's a ceremony.
We're there to show respect for a table with no sauce bottle on it.
Take your big handbag.
Why? So I can slip my salad into it.
You're not putting salad in my handbag.
It won't leave a mark.
It's always bone dry.
You'll spill on her cloth imported, hand-embroidered, Egyptian cotton.
No, that's the salad.
Howard is under the impression he needs more excitement in his life? More than Marina? Apparently.
That's a lot of excitement for somebody his size.
He's fed up with the same wallpaper.
Yes, that can do it.
I think we should help him.
Wallpaper? Not me.
I'm semi-retired.
Going to be good at it, too.
I'm not suggesting anything so destructive of the human spirit as wallpapering.
What Howard needs is a little mystery in his life.
And since there are few things more mysterious than the female BOTH: I'll drink to that.
I think Howard needs an encounter with a mysterious female.
I thought he'd got one.
Two, even.
I thought everybody had one.
"The days are all the same," he said.
He clearly needs something new.
I think we should help.
With a mystery female? Why not? It can be arranged.
You just happen to have one on you? Funny you should say that! Eva, put that underwear away.
I don't wear it any more.
It's just bait.
Who's the mysterious stranger? Electric Entwistle.
Really? How electric is he? Used to be dangerous.
Now more Economy Seven.
There's a lot of it about.
Come inside.
We might as well scandalise the neighbours.
How are you getting on with the neighbours? All right with the men.
Is it safe to go inside? He really is Economy Seven.
Why is it they don't like shopping? They do like shopping.
They spend hours reading Exchange & Mart.
Tell me about it.
I mean, they'll go miles for a gasket for a 1938 Buick.
It's just basic shopping they don't like.
Travis hates going into a shop on his own.
And if you apply the necessary pressure he gets it wrong.
Howard's just the same.
It was bad enough in the old days but now they've brought in metric he keeps claiming that he's no good at foreign languages.
You can give Travis a list with detailed instructions and he'll still come back with something that looks like a lucky dip.
If you've started doing yourself up for me, it's too late.
I've lost all expectation of any improvement in my life.
I think that's very wise.
She's just having her nails done.
If she thinks it's going to rekindle any flame, tell her it's gone out.
Don't think we haven't noticed.
Flame? Round here you could rub any two men together and you'd never raise a spark.
I'm not saying she shouldn't keep herself tidy.
All I'm saying is, don't expect anything wildly emotional from me.
Oh, and there was me thinking second honeymoon.
Do you think we could recapture that peak of excitement? I don't remember much excitement.
You lost your cap.
I remember OUR honeymoon.
We walked miles.
Travis fell in love with the scenery.
I think he was just scared about being alone with me in a room.
Either that or he was still sulking because I wouldn't let him bring his mother.
KNOCK AT DOOR Is Howard still here? He's gone home.
Good.
Done.
It's all arranged.
Already? I'm known as Alvin the Already.
I've heard you called other names.
There's always envy.
People resent perfection.
Stop being modest and tell us what you've done.
You wanted a mystery woman.
You've found a mystery woman? As requested.
Really? Yes, really.
You think I'm electric.
You should meet Eva.
She'll do it.
She's a good lass is Eva.
Good not first thing springs to mind.
Game for a giggle.
She'll wake Howard up.
Well done, that Alvin.
How long have you had an Eva up your sleeve? Don't ask.
He won't tell.
He says they were "childhood friends".
I see.
They were in the Girl Guides together.
Eva's just back in town.
Leave the man his secrets.
He's come up with the right equipment.
Now, how best to use it on Howard? What? What?! Well, this is nice.
It's not often I get to come out to play so early in the day.
She does know that it's not us she's going to be playing with? Relax.
She knows.
He's a bit gun shy.
He had a nasty experience once.
Only once? He's well overdue for another.
Did I switch the oven off? Sit down.
She won't bite.
There was a time you weren't too sure about that.
Right! This friend of yours what exactly am I supposed to do with him? Make her promise to be gentle with him.
She's not going to hurt him.
Alvin will tell you I'm basically motherly.
Not like mine.
Or mine.
On the inside I'm motherly.
He'll tell you, I'm a softy.
He'll not tell us anything.
Can we get on with present business? You haven't told them anything? Maybe you did leave the oven on.
Sit down! Now, here's the plan.
Howard had a drop too much last birthday.
I doubt if he remembers anything that happened.
What happened? This young lady happened.
Young lady! He can come again.
Eva happened? We'll tell him she was there.
They had a big night.
He'll not know any different.
You think people forget Eva? You can come again, as well.
It's up to Eva to be persuasive.
Persuasive, I can do.
Right, let's get comfy while we discuss this.
Avert your eyes, boys, I'm about to adjust the cleavage.
And it sometimes has an unintended knock-on effect.
Here he comes.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, hello, Howard! We were just not talking about you.
Have you just put something through my door? Door? Put something? This just came.
Postmen sometimes do things like that.
There's no stamp.
It's been hand-delivered.
It sounds important.
I don't understand it.
All it says is "Eva's back in town.
" How long have you had an Eva? You've kept this one quiet.
I don't know any Eva.
You can tell us, Howard.
That's what friends are for.
But I don't know the woman.
Must be case of mistaken letterbox.
That's him at the end.
Him? Are you sure he's ready for this? He's gamer than he looks.
If he dies on me, it's your responsibility.
Way he always wanted to go.
We'll have to get back.
We'll give you the signal.
Here, this will loosen your tongue.
You'll feel better when you've told us all about it.
Maybe that's why you've been so depressed trying to cope all by yourself with this guilty secret.
I have no guilty secrets.
Not called Eva, anyway.
So tell us some others, maybe Eva will come back to you.
Maybe that's why she's back in town.
Eva's come back to you.
I think that's nice, don't you? It's not nice.
It's not true.
I could swear on a stack of Gardeners' Weeklies that I've never known an Eva.
Howard! You'll have to excuse me.
I haven't seen him since our night of madness.
I don't know what she's talking about Now, that'll have to keep you till tomorrow.
I'll be on your doorstep early with all my belongings, as we arranged.
My doorstep? Our doorstep.
Did you have much trouble getting rid of your wife? Now don't be redecorating.
I'll pick the wallpaper! Well, aren't you going to buy a girl a drink, then? I think she's earned it.
You think I should dress more strikingly? I think there comes a time of life when a girl has to make more effort.
Well, yes, but how can you be more striking than you already are? We're not talking about ME being more striking.
I'm already there.
We're talking about you.
Is that Howard? I'm not sure about short skirts.
I've always rather relied on the quality of my mind.
Wrong! They don't care how many A-Levels you've got.
But has it done all that much for you? Can it be you've never noticed the effect I have on Howard? I've never seen her.
I would have remembered.
How could you not remember? No, no.
He has a point.
Let's be fair.
How could he not remember a night of madness? I think it's psychological.
Yes.
That's it.
He's suppressing it because he daren't remember.
It's a guilt thing.
You hear about these cases.
That's rubbish.
There's really no problem.
She'll refresh his memory when she turns up on his doorstep in the morning.
I'll have to leave the area.
The country, I should think.
Why would I forget something like that? Maybe he was drunk.
When have I ever been drunk? Come on, somebodythink, think.
When has Howard Never.
Does that "never" include birthdays? That's it! You went a bit wild on your last birthday.
I wouldn't say "wild".
You couldn't remember much the next morning, you told me that.
But there was only us.
There was no Eva.
Not while we were there.
Well, where did I go alone? Apparently not alone.
You'd no right leaving me if I was drunk.
You probably sneaked away from us.
You're always sneaking away.
Not any more.
I've finished.
Well, let's look on the bright side.
It's not as if it's fatal.
It's just a strange woman turning up on your doorstep with her suitcase.
Oh! After all, it was your birthday.
Why would I forget something like that? People are always forgetting birthdays.
This tastes foul.
What? Grass.
Barry, why are you eating grass? I'm in training for Freda's salad.
To us.
He was quite white when he left.
He looked determined to me.
As if he'd made up his mind about something.
He'll have to be determined if he wants to shift Pearl out before morning.
Night to remember.
KNOCK AT DOOR It's Eva! What does she want? Whatever it is, we haven't got it.
Is she carrying a suitcase? Answer door, Alvin.
You found her.
I wouldn't say found.
More like falling under the wheels of.
What's she doing here, you're all wondering? Can I just say, that I'm excused female company on account of an old wartime injury.
Oh, relax, good heavens! I come in peace.
You'll have to excuse Cleggy.
He was once bitten by a mature woman.
He was only offering it a biscuit.
Take a seat, Eva.
No thanks, love.
I'm not stopping.
Sighs of relief all round.
And are you still nervous? We invented nervousness.
Relax.
I'm not hunting, I'm rescuing.
Your friend Howard.
You've pulled his leg enough.
How does she know this, you're all wondering? I've just seen him.
With a suitcase.
Heading for the hills with all his trappings.
We're home! By the sound of it we're the only ones who are.
You've not checked.
How do you know he's not upstairs? Instinct.
Believe me, it's had plenty of practice.
Hey up.
"Something came up.
"I'll send for you when I get settled.
Howard" I'll try Norman Clegg.
He'll know if anyone does.
Get in! I can't.
There's something coming in the morning and it's not the postman.
Get in! They've been pulling your leg.
The nearest you've been to a night of madness was when you spilled that cocoa down your pyjamas.
Where is it then? This wartime injury you told Eva you'd suffered.
Did I say that? Isn't it funny how you tend to lie under stress? I thought she seemed rather good natured, but don't listen to me.
I once thought the same about the former Mrs Truelove.
You've got to admire that Howard.
Setting off for the unknown but he took his tennis racquet.
I bet he's glad to be back with that same old wallpaper.