Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s29e07 Episode Script
In Which Romance Isn't Dead - Just Incompetent
Is it safe, he asked nervously? We'll go on my signal.
Some people might think that was dangerous.
A signal? What's dangerous about a signal? I have dead cousin.
I'm sure we're all pleased that you just thought of that.
He said danger good for human spirit.
Oh, well, no wonder he's dead.
What's the worst that can happen? Don't answer that.
All right, Alvin, here we go.
Chocks away.
THEY SHRIEK I used to be able to swing on a rope without getting stiff.
Secret is practise every day.
Don't like that secret.
What else you got? Don't do it again.
That's more like it.
Oh, dear! Both dead.
Not dead, just faking.
I deny faking.
This feels like dead.
It's too painful for dead.
I think we're still alive.
Which is more than we deserve for swinging on ropes at our age.
It gets worse.
I think we've got to stand up now.
Not me.
I've given it up.
Tell him I'm out.
Suppose he asks where? Mexico.
Mexico? What are you doing in Mexico? Buying a big hat.
Tell him anything.
There's nothing like a bit of vigorous exercise .
.
for putting a person against vigorous exercise.
People die while they're out jogging.
At least they go in good condition.
Yeah, well, I suppose there's always a bright side.
THEY GROAN What the dickens have you been doing now? Having fun.
It looks like it.
Have no fear, petal.
A quick cuppa and I shall return in perfect physical condition.
I'm sure that'll be a thrill for all of us.
In public, she feels obliged to pretend she's not attracted to me.
Does good pretend.
I've never found any man attractive.
Give over! What about your husband? You don't pick husbands for attractive.
You go for economy and reliability.
Makes you wonder what HE went for.
I heard that! Maybe he went for safety.
Man sleeping with Nora has little fear of intruders.
And man not sleeping with Nora better keep his voice down.
Are you sure you haven't broken anything? If it affects our relationship you'll be the first to know.
I only hope it's not TOO unpainful.
I'm glad I caught you in this time, Barry.
It's such an unromantic age.
I mean, when was the last time anyone kissed your hand? It must be ages, and then it was a springer spaniel.
You see! We live in a charm-free zone.
Everything's so rushed.
What's the legal position if you knock people down in your own driveway? Is your driveway big enough? It's amazing what can be done in confined spaces.
Well, the law books you'll find in the Reference section.
Has there been an accident? I think he'll be all right.
PING! Actually, he must be very fit.
You know, physique-wise.
Sort of lonely but attractive.
OK, maybe not attractive but dependable.
Good-hearted.
Always there for you.
Ye Gods, is he ever always there! We might as well face it - as we get older, some of the shine wears off.
I woke up this morning, and Pearl was looking at me as if I was a stranger.
Relax, stranger.
Pour yourself some tea.
There was a time she used to look at me as if I was king of the pack.
I was Mr Magic.
You could see it in her eyes.
Would that be both eyes you're lying about or just one? It's true! We carved our names on a tree.
It's a good job you were with Pearl then, and not somebody you couldn't spell.
Gwendoline could have been tricky.
Also need a big tree.
Rebecca.
How many Cs? I don't know a Rebecca.
Learn how to spell her.
You'll be ready when she comes.
I'm trying to have a serious conversation.
Oh, didn't we tell you? We've given them up.
He's got to go.
You knocked him down.
You're doing your best.
He pops up anywhere.
He's becoming a nightmare.
He's lonely.
He likes you.
Even though you keep running him over with the car.
He needs a woman.
She might not be any better at reversing than you are.
He needs Miss Davenport.
Miss Davenport?! She's lonely.
She needs a man.
He needs a woman.
They're made for each other.
I suddenly realised this in the library.
Miss Davenport is the answer.
Do they even know each other? It can be arranged.
I've got to do something before he starts popping out the plughole in the sink.
I used to stir her senses.
Now all I get to stir is the paint when she starts decorating.
Maybe you should stir paint together.
By moonlight.
A little background music.
Violins are nice.
Are you two listening to me? We're listening.
You've come to the right place.
He gives advice to ageing lovers.
What does HE know? Got gift.
Entirely self-taught.
Although he had a little help from a Mrs Allsop.
Hislop.
Oh, sorry.
So, why do you think Pearl has stopped seeing you as Mr Magic? I've no idea.
It's not as if I haven't kept myself in shape.
This is going to be more difficult than we thought.
I must have walked ten miles yesterday.
I hope Marina was there when you finally got there.
I had no idea she was planning to be out there.
Barry? When they told me a gentleman was waiting, I thought it might besome other person.
I AM some other person.
I've never felt more like some other person.
What am I talking about? Two persons? I've developed a Siamese twin.
Well, I suppose if you need someone to take him off your hands Yes! But right now I need to know what ladies like about men.
Does it really have to be right now? I could demonstrate more thoroughly if we had a little privacy.
What kind of men does Miss Davenport like? Oh, Miss Davenport? You're looking for something more matronly.
She's quite particular.
They'd have to be over 30 and under 75.
What does she find particularly attractive? Anything over 30 and under 75.
Can you narrow that down a bit? She loves anything romantic.
Romantic - that's it.
I bet he can do romantic! Who? Mr Chislehurst.
You've found a romantic Mr Chislehurst for Miss Davenport? He doesn't know it yet, butyeah.
You think that's it - I've been too easy? Trust me.
They all have this wish to be dominated by their men.
Goes back long way.
It's a caveman thing.
Well, she never said.
She wants you to surprise her.
What do you think, Alvin? They love surprises.
Ask anybody.
So go back in there, start slamming a few doors and barking orders.
I will.
I can do that.
She had it coming.
What kind of orders? Does she clean your shoes? No.
Well, there's your trouble right there.
You've spoiled her.
Tell her you want your shoes bringing up to a high gloss.
Do you think she will? Nature of women to do little services for their men.
As long as he's man enough.
You going out, Barry? I can call back later.
No.
You're just the man I want to see.
Get in.
Thanks, Barry.
You WILL thank me before the day's out.
I've got the answer for your problem.
I didn't know I had a problem.
You're lonely, Mr Chislehurst.
I was till I met you.
You need a woman.
I'm not good with women.
I'll guide you through.
CLANGING Any more orders for me? No, that'll be all for the time being.
DOOR SLAMS What do you think? About what? Her - the lady, Miss Davenport.
What do you think? I'm sure she's very nice.
You're not looking.
Well, it's rude to stare.
Open this book.
Look at her while you're pretending to read the book.
It's not very warm.
Put it back on the engine.
I hate standing there with the bonnet up.
I know.
You usually have ME stood there with the bonnet up.
People don't bother you.
They think you're doing something useful with the engine.
That's me.
Master of disguise.
When I'm standing there, they think I need help.
I've always said you need help.
I get nosy beggars poking their heads in and starting to tinker with the machinery.
That's because you look so helpless.
Don't knock it.
It takes years of practice to establish a reputation to be useless with repairs.
Don't be so modest.
You're more useless than that.
You know you've cracked it when the wife buys her own tool set.
Has he been mugged for his shoes? Didn't have a mobile phone so they've nicked his shoes.
Don't ask.
Just ignore him.
I hate getting involved with anything criminal.
You meet such unpleasant people.
HE YELPS You wanted artistic - there it is.
That's marvellous.
You've transformed him.
There's no librarian going to be able to resist that.
It's dark under this hat.
That's not dark, lad.
That's shadow.
It lends you an air of mystery.
Are you listening? Not only artistic, but an air of mystery.
Is that terrific or what? BELL RINGS I need some shoes.
Of course you do.
How long's the circus been in town? What's he dressed up for? He's dressed to impress a lady.
And you think that's going to do it? It's impressed me how much they've been prepared to spend.
The lady's artistic.
Of course it's going to do it.
Are you sure I need ALL this hat? It's like standing under a patio brolly.
Must be in the office.
She'll be out in a minute.
Do you know any poetry? No.
I wouldn't have come if I had to spout poetry.
Relax! Just try and LOOK as if you like poetry.
What kind of a look is that? Could you eat a raw lemon? Ugh.
That's it.
That's the look.
When she comes, what do I say? Nothing.
Just look artistic.
Grab her attention.
You haven't even noticed her.
Your head's that full of great poetry.
Oh, and grab a book.
Look as if you're thinking about the direction of the modern novel while you're de-structuring the text.
You're looking very well, Miss Davenport.
Oh! Thank you, Barry.
(Who's your friend?) Ah, noticed him, have you? The ladies do.
Well, I'm not surprised.
He looks quite Artistic? Well, I was going to say quite odd.
Is he all right? He's a bit poetic.
You know what they're like.
Not much muscle, but beautiful minds.
Always into the gentle, romantic stuff.
Oh! Really? Mm.
What's he reading? What's the book, Mr Chislehurst? I Married A Cannibal.
Put your autograph book away, Electric.
It's not Orson Welles - it's Howard.
Hughes? No.
It's our Howard.
The muffin? Former muffin, by the looks of this.
You don't like it? We love it.
Ah.
I felt I had to make a few changes.
You've cracked it.
This is big change.
Very showbiz.
It's not showbiz.
It's artistic.
I want Pearl to see that there's more to me than she thinks.
Barry says looking artistic works with the ladies.
It needs more.
It needs a lot more.
Is he artistic too? That's a yes.
It's not enough.
It needs more.
We've just got nowhere with Miss Davenport.
Did you read her some poetry? She likes that.
He was reading I Married A Cannibal.
It was just something I picked up.
I don't think Pearl likes poetry.
Not like poetry from somebody dressed like you? Couldn't resist it.
Knocks them dead.
Turns them to jelly.
Go on! Had we got world enough SHE SHRIEKS .
.
and time.
Are you ready? Can you feel the poetry coming? Will she hear me through the glass? She'll open the window when you start.
She'll wonder who it is in big hat.
Big surprise when she sees you.
Is the hat on straight? It's the kind of hat that doesn't need straight.
Go before she finishes window.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Go away now.
Before I compare thee.
Go now! It's me.
Shut up and go away.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Shut up! Complete stranger to me.
It wasn't bad for a first try.
It was rubbish.
But not BAD rubbish.
It had seeds of bigger things.
Bigger rubbish.
Wrong! I remember saying to Electric at the time, "This looks promising.
" Took words right out of my mouth.
I knew Pearl wouldn't go for poetry.
Forget poetry.
We're going to hit them with the ultimate weapon.
Pay attention, Mr Chislehurst, this could be a life-changing event.
Guaranteed.
What is it? I'm coming to that.
Not very fast.
Don't you start.
First we must make sure that these people understand the power over ladies this will place in their hands.
I want nothing to do with anyone that might use this indiscriminately.
Well, I think I can speak for Mr Chislehurst when I say you can rely on us.
I'll vouch for Mr Chislehurst.
Thank you, Barry.
I'm going to tell them.
I think we're all glad about that.
I came across this by accident, surfing the Internet.
You're a hacker? Something like that.
I wouldn't say hacker.
It's more like keeping an eye on what is really going on in the world.
This stuff is secret? You've never heard of it, have you? We've none of us heard it yet.
OK.
It's been surveyed extensively throughout the Western Hemisphere, and everybody keeps coming up with the same result.
The most powerful single weapon for attracting ladies over a certain age is What? What?! Maurice Chevalier impressions.
It's the accent.
The French accent.
Turns them to jelly.
You said that about poetry.
This different flavour.
Come on now.
Hats at a cheeky angle.
Both together.
Bags of French accent.
One, and two, and three.
# Mimi, you funny little good-for-nothing Mimi # Mimi, you sunny little honey of a Mimi # I'm aiming high! # Mimi, you've got me sad and dreamy # You could free me, if you'd see me # Mimi, you know I'd like to have A little son of a Mimi by and by.
# She's round that corner.
# Mimi, you funny little good-for-nothing Mimi # Was that you singing? No.
No.
It was him.
Oh! I love the accent.
It's not really me.
It is.
Underneath all that shyness, it's really him.
I just made it up.
You can do it when you want.
All the time.
Anywhere.
He's great.
Well, yes.
I can do it when I want.
Do it for me.
You heard the lady.
Do it for her.
One, two, three, four # Mimi, you funny little good-for-nothing Mimi, am I # # Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise.
# Go to sleep, you daft beggar.
Some people might think that was dangerous.
A signal? What's dangerous about a signal? I have dead cousin.
I'm sure we're all pleased that you just thought of that.
He said danger good for human spirit.
Oh, well, no wonder he's dead.
What's the worst that can happen? Don't answer that.
All right, Alvin, here we go.
Chocks away.
THEY SHRIEK I used to be able to swing on a rope without getting stiff.
Secret is practise every day.
Don't like that secret.
What else you got? Don't do it again.
That's more like it.
Oh, dear! Both dead.
Not dead, just faking.
I deny faking.
This feels like dead.
It's too painful for dead.
I think we're still alive.
Which is more than we deserve for swinging on ropes at our age.
It gets worse.
I think we've got to stand up now.
Not me.
I've given it up.
Tell him I'm out.
Suppose he asks where? Mexico.
Mexico? What are you doing in Mexico? Buying a big hat.
Tell him anything.
There's nothing like a bit of vigorous exercise .
.
for putting a person against vigorous exercise.
People die while they're out jogging.
At least they go in good condition.
Yeah, well, I suppose there's always a bright side.
THEY GROAN What the dickens have you been doing now? Having fun.
It looks like it.
Have no fear, petal.
A quick cuppa and I shall return in perfect physical condition.
I'm sure that'll be a thrill for all of us.
In public, she feels obliged to pretend she's not attracted to me.
Does good pretend.
I've never found any man attractive.
Give over! What about your husband? You don't pick husbands for attractive.
You go for economy and reliability.
Makes you wonder what HE went for.
I heard that! Maybe he went for safety.
Man sleeping with Nora has little fear of intruders.
And man not sleeping with Nora better keep his voice down.
Are you sure you haven't broken anything? If it affects our relationship you'll be the first to know.
I only hope it's not TOO unpainful.
I'm glad I caught you in this time, Barry.
It's such an unromantic age.
I mean, when was the last time anyone kissed your hand? It must be ages, and then it was a springer spaniel.
You see! We live in a charm-free zone.
Everything's so rushed.
What's the legal position if you knock people down in your own driveway? Is your driveway big enough? It's amazing what can be done in confined spaces.
Well, the law books you'll find in the Reference section.
Has there been an accident? I think he'll be all right.
PING! Actually, he must be very fit.
You know, physique-wise.
Sort of lonely but attractive.
OK, maybe not attractive but dependable.
Good-hearted.
Always there for you.
Ye Gods, is he ever always there! We might as well face it - as we get older, some of the shine wears off.
I woke up this morning, and Pearl was looking at me as if I was a stranger.
Relax, stranger.
Pour yourself some tea.
There was a time she used to look at me as if I was king of the pack.
I was Mr Magic.
You could see it in her eyes.
Would that be both eyes you're lying about or just one? It's true! We carved our names on a tree.
It's a good job you were with Pearl then, and not somebody you couldn't spell.
Gwendoline could have been tricky.
Also need a big tree.
Rebecca.
How many Cs? I don't know a Rebecca.
Learn how to spell her.
You'll be ready when she comes.
I'm trying to have a serious conversation.
Oh, didn't we tell you? We've given them up.
He's got to go.
You knocked him down.
You're doing your best.
He pops up anywhere.
He's becoming a nightmare.
He's lonely.
He likes you.
Even though you keep running him over with the car.
He needs a woman.
She might not be any better at reversing than you are.
He needs Miss Davenport.
Miss Davenport?! She's lonely.
She needs a man.
He needs a woman.
They're made for each other.
I suddenly realised this in the library.
Miss Davenport is the answer.
Do they even know each other? It can be arranged.
I've got to do something before he starts popping out the plughole in the sink.
I used to stir her senses.
Now all I get to stir is the paint when she starts decorating.
Maybe you should stir paint together.
By moonlight.
A little background music.
Violins are nice.
Are you two listening to me? We're listening.
You've come to the right place.
He gives advice to ageing lovers.
What does HE know? Got gift.
Entirely self-taught.
Although he had a little help from a Mrs Allsop.
Hislop.
Oh, sorry.
So, why do you think Pearl has stopped seeing you as Mr Magic? I've no idea.
It's not as if I haven't kept myself in shape.
This is going to be more difficult than we thought.
I must have walked ten miles yesterday.
I hope Marina was there when you finally got there.
I had no idea she was planning to be out there.
Barry? When they told me a gentleman was waiting, I thought it might besome other person.
I AM some other person.
I've never felt more like some other person.
What am I talking about? Two persons? I've developed a Siamese twin.
Well, I suppose if you need someone to take him off your hands Yes! But right now I need to know what ladies like about men.
Does it really have to be right now? I could demonstrate more thoroughly if we had a little privacy.
What kind of men does Miss Davenport like? Oh, Miss Davenport? You're looking for something more matronly.
She's quite particular.
They'd have to be over 30 and under 75.
What does she find particularly attractive? Anything over 30 and under 75.
Can you narrow that down a bit? She loves anything romantic.
Romantic - that's it.
I bet he can do romantic! Who? Mr Chislehurst.
You've found a romantic Mr Chislehurst for Miss Davenport? He doesn't know it yet, butyeah.
You think that's it - I've been too easy? Trust me.
They all have this wish to be dominated by their men.
Goes back long way.
It's a caveman thing.
Well, she never said.
She wants you to surprise her.
What do you think, Alvin? They love surprises.
Ask anybody.
So go back in there, start slamming a few doors and barking orders.
I will.
I can do that.
She had it coming.
What kind of orders? Does she clean your shoes? No.
Well, there's your trouble right there.
You've spoiled her.
Tell her you want your shoes bringing up to a high gloss.
Do you think she will? Nature of women to do little services for their men.
As long as he's man enough.
You going out, Barry? I can call back later.
No.
You're just the man I want to see.
Get in.
Thanks, Barry.
You WILL thank me before the day's out.
I've got the answer for your problem.
I didn't know I had a problem.
You're lonely, Mr Chislehurst.
I was till I met you.
You need a woman.
I'm not good with women.
I'll guide you through.
CLANGING Any more orders for me? No, that'll be all for the time being.
DOOR SLAMS What do you think? About what? Her - the lady, Miss Davenport.
What do you think? I'm sure she's very nice.
You're not looking.
Well, it's rude to stare.
Open this book.
Look at her while you're pretending to read the book.
It's not very warm.
Put it back on the engine.
I hate standing there with the bonnet up.
I know.
You usually have ME stood there with the bonnet up.
People don't bother you.
They think you're doing something useful with the engine.
That's me.
Master of disguise.
When I'm standing there, they think I need help.
I've always said you need help.
I get nosy beggars poking their heads in and starting to tinker with the machinery.
That's because you look so helpless.
Don't knock it.
It takes years of practice to establish a reputation to be useless with repairs.
Don't be so modest.
You're more useless than that.
You know you've cracked it when the wife buys her own tool set.
Has he been mugged for his shoes? Didn't have a mobile phone so they've nicked his shoes.
Don't ask.
Just ignore him.
I hate getting involved with anything criminal.
You meet such unpleasant people.
HE YELPS You wanted artistic - there it is.
That's marvellous.
You've transformed him.
There's no librarian going to be able to resist that.
It's dark under this hat.
That's not dark, lad.
That's shadow.
It lends you an air of mystery.
Are you listening? Not only artistic, but an air of mystery.
Is that terrific or what? BELL RINGS I need some shoes.
Of course you do.
How long's the circus been in town? What's he dressed up for? He's dressed to impress a lady.
And you think that's going to do it? It's impressed me how much they've been prepared to spend.
The lady's artistic.
Of course it's going to do it.
Are you sure I need ALL this hat? It's like standing under a patio brolly.
Must be in the office.
She'll be out in a minute.
Do you know any poetry? No.
I wouldn't have come if I had to spout poetry.
Relax! Just try and LOOK as if you like poetry.
What kind of a look is that? Could you eat a raw lemon? Ugh.
That's it.
That's the look.
When she comes, what do I say? Nothing.
Just look artistic.
Grab her attention.
You haven't even noticed her.
Your head's that full of great poetry.
Oh, and grab a book.
Look as if you're thinking about the direction of the modern novel while you're de-structuring the text.
You're looking very well, Miss Davenport.
Oh! Thank you, Barry.
(Who's your friend?) Ah, noticed him, have you? The ladies do.
Well, I'm not surprised.
He looks quite Artistic? Well, I was going to say quite odd.
Is he all right? He's a bit poetic.
You know what they're like.
Not much muscle, but beautiful minds.
Always into the gentle, romantic stuff.
Oh! Really? Mm.
What's he reading? What's the book, Mr Chislehurst? I Married A Cannibal.
Put your autograph book away, Electric.
It's not Orson Welles - it's Howard.
Hughes? No.
It's our Howard.
The muffin? Former muffin, by the looks of this.
You don't like it? We love it.
Ah.
I felt I had to make a few changes.
You've cracked it.
This is big change.
Very showbiz.
It's not showbiz.
It's artistic.
I want Pearl to see that there's more to me than she thinks.
Barry says looking artistic works with the ladies.
It needs more.
It needs a lot more.
Is he artistic too? That's a yes.
It's not enough.
It needs more.
We've just got nowhere with Miss Davenport.
Did you read her some poetry? She likes that.
He was reading I Married A Cannibal.
It was just something I picked up.
I don't think Pearl likes poetry.
Not like poetry from somebody dressed like you? Couldn't resist it.
Knocks them dead.
Turns them to jelly.
Go on! Had we got world enough SHE SHRIEKS .
.
and time.
Are you ready? Can you feel the poetry coming? Will she hear me through the glass? She'll open the window when you start.
She'll wonder who it is in big hat.
Big surprise when she sees you.
Is the hat on straight? It's the kind of hat that doesn't need straight.
Go before she finishes window.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Go away now.
Before I compare thee.
Go now! It's me.
Shut up and go away.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Shut up! Complete stranger to me.
It wasn't bad for a first try.
It was rubbish.
But not BAD rubbish.
It had seeds of bigger things.
Bigger rubbish.
Wrong! I remember saying to Electric at the time, "This looks promising.
" Took words right out of my mouth.
I knew Pearl wouldn't go for poetry.
Forget poetry.
We're going to hit them with the ultimate weapon.
Pay attention, Mr Chislehurst, this could be a life-changing event.
Guaranteed.
What is it? I'm coming to that.
Not very fast.
Don't you start.
First we must make sure that these people understand the power over ladies this will place in their hands.
I want nothing to do with anyone that might use this indiscriminately.
Well, I think I can speak for Mr Chislehurst when I say you can rely on us.
I'll vouch for Mr Chislehurst.
Thank you, Barry.
I'm going to tell them.
I think we're all glad about that.
I came across this by accident, surfing the Internet.
You're a hacker? Something like that.
I wouldn't say hacker.
It's more like keeping an eye on what is really going on in the world.
This stuff is secret? You've never heard of it, have you? We've none of us heard it yet.
OK.
It's been surveyed extensively throughout the Western Hemisphere, and everybody keeps coming up with the same result.
The most powerful single weapon for attracting ladies over a certain age is What? What?! Maurice Chevalier impressions.
It's the accent.
The French accent.
Turns them to jelly.
You said that about poetry.
This different flavour.
Come on now.
Hats at a cheeky angle.
Both together.
Bags of French accent.
One, and two, and three.
# Mimi, you funny little good-for-nothing Mimi # Mimi, you sunny little honey of a Mimi # I'm aiming high! # Mimi, you've got me sad and dreamy # You could free me, if you'd see me # Mimi, you know I'd like to have A little son of a Mimi by and by.
# She's round that corner.
# Mimi, you funny little good-for-nothing Mimi # Was that you singing? No.
No.
It was him.
Oh! I love the accent.
It's not really me.
It is.
Underneath all that shyness, it's really him.
I just made it up.
You can do it when you want.
All the time.
Anywhere.
He's great.
Well, yes.
I can do it when I want.
Do it for me.
You heard the lady.
Do it for her.
One, two, three, four # Mimi, you funny little good-for-nothing Mimi, am I # # Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise.
# Go to sleep, you daft beggar.