Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s29e10 Episode Script

Yes, of course.
HE SINGS TO HIMSELF You look just like Truly of the Yard.
Is it time for a change, he asks? No, I don't think so.
And let that be a lesson to you! Thank you, Nora.
HE SIGHS AND MUMBLES What a woman! Oh, yes! Oh, and look, there, we've got two of his ferrets, Nelson and Eddy.
Nelson? One eye.
Agh! And there was a white ferret.
What did he call that one? Brenda.
It wasn't a SHE.
Who calls a ferret Brenda? Especially when it's not a she? When you're in love, you do these strange things.
When was he in love with a Brenda? He was in love with a ferret called Brenda.
It wasn't called Brenda.
It had a boy's name.
Yes.
Can you believe it's ten years? Eh? It's never ten years, is it? Oh, yes, indeed.
Alvin, what are you squirming about for? My shirt's still wet.
Nora Batty got me this morning.
Do you know what I like about Nora Batty? No.
Beats me.
You'll have to give us time to think about that.
Nothing springs to mind immediately.
She's game.
She's tough, old game.
She needs hanging a while.
She's always got an answer.
Of course, it's not always words.
This morning it was water.
Well, I think it's a sign of affection.
I mean, he was seldom completely dry.
Used to water him as well, did she? Oh, did she! What you wearing that for? Tha said tha wouldn't have me gift-wrapped.
I'm just checking.
HE RINGS THE BELL Isn't it amazing what tha finds at the end of a brush! Will you stop messing about? Stop? We've never started.
Let's face it, this could be the last chance.
Let's face it Good! Well, maybe not the last chance.
Play tha cards right, tha could get another.
I got a special offer this week.
I come complete with a personalised, genuine set of hand-reared ferrets.
Oh, come on love, surely I must stir the heart a little.
Give me a sign.
Give me a sign! All right, lass, I'll accept that for the time being.
Got it regular, did he? And thoroughly.
Sometimes he got the bucket as well.
I told you.
She's game.
Could have been Brendan.
What? The ferret.
What would he be doing with an Irish ferret? Why not? They can eat meat on a Friday now.
HE CHUCKLES What's amusing you? Do you remember his speaking tube? HE COUGHS OH, NO-O-O-O-R-R-R-R-A-A-A! Oh, poetry in motion! I'm starving for a bun or anything else edible you might have to eat on the premises.
Anything you can spare would be gratefully received.
Is that your final word? Oh, goodie, goodie! Seconds! She's very good on the buns.
I always think great baking is nearly as good as being attractive.
You can see his point.
You could see his point all right.
His trousers let in more light than a conservatory.
That's true.
He was safer on dull days.
She's a rum lass, that Nora.
Water down his drainpipe! Mind you, he had a few tricks of his own It's not me birthday! If thou comes down here it could be.
Just wait there a minute I've got something for you.
If thou's been baking again I'll have an apple tart.
Summat I can put custard on.
Who's a pretty little minx, then? HE CACKLES # I'm singing in the rain # Just singing in the rain # What a glorious feeling TAP TAP! # I'm happy again.
# # Stormy weather # It was Eric.
The white ferret was Eric.
I'm almost sure it was Brenda.
It was a boy.
Maybe he never knew that.
I mean, how many times do you see a ferret from underneath? You'd have to be very good friends.
I'm not saying he was a nuclear physicist, but he knew his Brendas from his Erics.
It's a useful gift.
How did he really get on with Nora? On her nerves, mostly.
So she said.
But underneath I think she really wanted to kill him.
Just devilment, was it? Partly.
But mostly it was unrequited passion.
His, not necessarily hers.
Passion's not in Nora's vocabulary.
As far as we know.
You never know what runs deep.
Nora's passion peaks at washing and polishing.
You could be right.
She's hard work if you're trying to raise anything but a scowl.
He could make her laugh.
He could? Isn't there something you could be doing instead of watching people work? The truth is, lass, there's nothing I'd rather be doing.
I don't see what's so fascinating about somebody hanging out a bit of washing.
Ah, tha's not seeing it from here.
I'm enchanted with every ripple of the pinny.
Don't start.
Ah, some people like watching ballet.
I like to watch thee hanging out tha washing.
Well, it's very embarrassing.
It's funny, I almost see thee as the Margaret Fonteyn of the clothes line.
I see thee reaching up on tha little toes and I think Swan Lake - 1.
Nora Batty - 2.
You'll get some clothes prop in a minute.
Nay, lass, we've been neighbours long enough to earn a few privileges.
If we'd been Italian, we'd have been together years ago.
Well, I'm not Italian! Not even enough to cover me moving in sayfor weekends? HE CACKLES All right, he wasn't good in deckchairs, but you should have seen him in a tractor wheel.
In a tractor wheel? Watch it! Watch it! Watch it! Help! HE SHRIEKS HELP! HE YELLS It was here.
It was further down.
I can see it now.
It was here.
If you want directions, ask a policeman.
Not only mistakes Brenda for Eric.
But now he wants to alter the canal.
Oh, it was this canal.
I'll grant you it was this canal.
Hello! Excuse me! What about this canal? For our second honeymoon, the former Mrs Truelove went to Venice.
Just the former Mrs Truelove? And her mother.
They brought me back a picture of a gondolier.
Ah, well, they didn't forget you then.
I never looked at it that way.
Maybe you should have.
They could have been lying.
How far are we planning to go? I suppose that depends on our horse.
Hey up.
I'm getting naffed off with this! But it was your idea! You're the one who said, "Didn't it use to be peaceful "in the old days when boats were towed along?" You're doing splendidly.
We were just saying.
Of course, we could be lying.
Ah! It's all right for thee.
Maybe we should get him a nose-bag.
I heard that! Remember, we're not out for speed.
Just nice and easy.
A lazy afternoon on the river.
Aye, lazy for thee.
I'm the one doing all the work.
And doing it splendidly.
You don't want to back out now.
I don't know.
I might want to back out now.
I've seldom seen anyone so naturally gifted at playing the part of a horse.
And go at it with some energy, man.
Remember Lord Nelson never once fell off his bike.
Now, this time, you've got plenty of slack in the rope.
Not to mention the head.
I've a feeling he's right.
Pay not attention to these critics.
Now, on my signal you will begin proceeding normally, before you feel the weight of the boat.
First I'm a horse.
Now I'm a horse on a bike.
Just don't be a race horse.
We're not water-skiing.
I want a nice gentle drifting.
He knows what to do.
This is not just a horse.
This is a well-trained horse.
Just get in the boat and let's get on with it.
Thou's all gob and no notion.
No wonder the former Mrs Truelove went walkies, ho-ho! Are we ready? "We", he says.
"We"! Credit where it's due, he's got a nice little pedalling action.
It's welly power.
He's very experienced.
Actually I prefer him from this angle.
From the back he could sometimes pass as respectable.
It's the front that's the dead giveaway.
I have trouble with fronts.
I find people's expressions much more welcoming from behind.
Some of the finest police strangleholds have been applied from behind.
That's it, there.
I can't pedal under there.
Well, the solution's simple, man.
Leave the bike here, go on up to the bridge, pull us through.
Then when we've gone through, you come back for the bike.
There, you see, brilliant.
I notice who's doing all the work.
I told you, brilliant! You'll have to pull harder.
Get us a good speed up so that we go all the way through the bridge.
Ahoy, there! Bog off! Never mind about Compo.
You didn't have to go in.
Is he unconscious? No, I'm not unconscious.
Damn! I never get the chance to practise me artificial respiration.
We could throw him back in.
Leave me alone.
Where's me bike? Where do you think it is? It's in the canal.
Do you often ride your bike into the canal? I was listening to you two.
What's he doing with pigeons? I thought he was ferrets.
We went to France.
He wanted to go back to Dunkirk, now it was quieter.
He wanted to release the pigeon and let it fly home.
You can't do that with ferrets.
Where exactly are we going in France? Oh, I don't know, exactly.
I know where it is roughly.
It's on the road to Dunkirk.
You turn left just after you've passed a burnt-out tank.
We was hiding out.
There were Germans everywhere.
I'm glad you weren't taken prisoner.
You'd have made a terrible impression.
They'd have thrown him back.
Ah, I tell thee what - I were glad when I saw them white cliffs.
It's amazing to think that they're made up of thousands of billions of tiny dead sea creatures.
What are? Well, the cliffs.
They're crushed shells.
Rubbish! What do you think they're made of? Chalk.
Well, what do you think chalk is? Mind you, it's taken a bit longer than a millennium.
Hasn't it, Gladys, eh? Remember, you're in France now.
They're not used to your sort round here.
Pardon, Monsieur! There were a sunken ship out there.
And lines of blokes and four crazy chuffs sitting in a bomb crater, playing cards - for money.
How much did you lose? I won nearly two quid.
Mind you, I don't think this RASC bloke were concentrating.
I think his family were chapel.
He didn't know what to do with two pairs.
Makes you wonder why bits of kids should be sent into situations where they're liable to end up in ruthless card games.
You didn't feel sorry enough for him to give him his two quid back.
I were tempted, but then I thought, well, supposing he gets drowned on the way home? You'd have felt responsible Him struggling in the water with all that change in his pocket.
Precisely, Norm.
EXHAUST MISFIRES That were close.
HE GROANS Where are we heading? Well, I want to find that place where we stayed the night.
I know I'll recognise it when we find it.
I know we come here.
So I reckon, if we start to wend our way inland until I start to recognise things.
Well, that's tomorrow.
First thing is a bed for the night.
We could sleep on the beach.
I did the last time.
Course, it were a bit noisier.
I'm not sleeping on the beach.
You get sand in your pyjamas.
You can't sleep on the beach in your jammies! That's very lower middle class, huh! We'll find a place.
We're not slumming it.
Well, don't go mad.
Something economical.
Sounds better already.
With a bidet.
Thank you.
What's this, then? Your coffee.
I ordered a drink, not a bath.
Where's the bacon? You're getting a continental breakfast.
No bacon.
Chuff me.
I could eat a pigeon.
Oh .
.
she might hear you.
Well, come on, then.
Give it a slurp.
Let's hear what you sound like drinking in French.
HE SLURPS What's the French for " 'ey up"? Don't bother.
Her at the desk looks as though she could do with some chatting up.
She looks a right old bat.
Your favourite kind.
I must have a look and see if her stockings are wrinkled.
It's her expression that's wrinkled.
I don't think she really wants us in the common market.
She's got eyes like a hawk.
Well, how are we going to get the pigeon past her? It looks like a pigeon basket.
It doesn't look like a suitcase.
Why do we need a pigeon in our bedrooms? Aye, I were wondering about that.
Listen who's talking - he has ferrets in his.
Only the friendlier ones.
You'll never get the basket past her at the desk.
We don't take the basket.
We just take the pigeon.
Suppose she gets away.
She won't.
She'll be under me shirt.
Sooner you than me.
Listen, I've had ferrets under there.
A pigeon? Piece of gateaux.
Well, don't crush it, whatever you do.
Here we are, Gladys, here we go.
Come on now, here we go.
Oh, oh Uh, uh, ah, ah An old war wound.
It gets him when the weather's damp.
Try and walk naturally.
I've arrested people for better walks than that.
I just wish it'd get its nails clipped.
Oh, come on, Gladys, come on down.
HE KNOCKS THE WARDROBE It's past your bedtime.
Who left the bathroom door open? I'll bet it was him when he came up for his bugle.
Look at him.
HE SNORES He's soon learned to sleep in French.
Like a native.
Mind yourself.
I can't feel her, she must have gone right to the back.
We're going to have to pull it away from the wall a bit.
It looks heavy.
It is heavy, but we can't leave Gladys up there - She could be fast between the wardrobe and the wall.
Well, she's not panicking.
I can't hear any noise.
Maybe she's dead.
Oh, Lord, we've killed a pigeon! We haven't killed a pigeon.
Well, I'm not leaving here till we've rescued that pigeon.
Ah, we're never going to lift it.
Let's try slide it a bit.
All right then, after three.
BANGS AND SCUFFLES LOUD CLATTER HE GROANS How can he sleep? He's done it before.
It were noisier last time.
What they never tell you about France is how hard it is when you're lying on it.
Yeah, well, he managed France.
I wonder how he's handling being dead? In some decent trousers, I hope.
Well, we sent him off in decent trousers - he was wearing a pair of mine.
I thought he looked tidy.
I thought, "How typical.
He turns up smart when you least expect it".
I hope he's been reunited with Brenda.
Or even Eric.