Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s29e11 Episode Script

LAUGHTER Oh, well, thenif you're determined to have this dance.
Get off! Do you come here often? Will you give over! Now let's get something settled.
Who's leading here? It's him! He's not right.
He grabs hold of people.
Same time tomorrow? I think we're ready for the reverse turn.
Oh, she's ready all right.
I've never seen anybody more ready.
LAUGHTER Where is he? LAUGHTER Where are you off to? I'm going to find me a little job.
You don't need a job.
I don't need to be in me house with you all day, you barmy twit.
You're doing me head in.
I can't understand why.
Just look at yourself.
They'll come for miles to look at it.
It's a class act is this.
I'm going to be a major spectacle.
Ask our Cliff.
What's the good of asking your Cliff? He doesn't speak.
He spoke yesterday.
That was the day before.
And yesterday.
It's getting like you can't shut him up.
LAUGHTER You're the one that wants shutting up.
What I'm I going to say to people if they see you like this? Everybody's going to see me like this.
The whole world is going to see me like this.
Stuck fast.
I'm not stuck! You've got to make it look difficult.
Don't lie to me.
You can't move.
Why don't you get a little job? LAUGHTER I'm going.
You'll be sorry when I'm famous! He used to swear, in the face of all opinion, that angels weren't in white - they wore suits.
Not white suits? Well, the one he saw was in red.
Oh, like at Butlin's.
Well, no, no It was darker than that.
It was leaning more towards plum.
I'm not keen on the colour, but I find it reassuring that his angel wore a tie.
I never did fancy this loose white garment stuff.
Well, wouldn't go with your Trilby.
You'd need a map to find your handkerchief.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Is he getting any better? No.
I am, our Cliff.
Don't lie.
Does he know easiest way to escape is not chain himself up in first place? And that padlock must be rubbing him something awful in a second place.
And they can bog off as well.
LAUGHTER I needed that.
And the company the most.
Do you know I haven't had a sensible conversation since he's retired? Oh, they're no good retired, Florrie.
You need to keep them busy.
Is he still fastened up? Just about every time you look.
I'll have to go before somebody delivers him again.
It's like getting regular parcels.
Ooh, look Florrie.
How's it going? Don't ask.
I know the feeling.
I've got one as well.
LAUGHTER Is he still tying himself up? It's getting worse.
She sometimes has to undo three chains to make sure it's him.
It's getting worse with them roads.
They're going to have to build lanes for the over-60s.
I'm all right.
I'm a sprinter.
What? With Travis you have to sprint.
He's in such a hurry to get back home.
It's like chasing somebody who's just snatched your purse.
You've had your Travis out in town? Well, he had to go for an eye test.
Ooh, you'll be sorry if he gets a taste for gadding about.
I don't think he's got a gad in him.
I think his mother de-gadded him before I got him.
Oh, you got him fully trained.
How handy.
I always think there's only one thing they need to be fully trained in.
And that's total obedience.
Oh, you've got to leave some spark.
You don't want to be living with a zombie.
You get used to it.
LAUGHTER Why do they need a spark, when they're married? Cos they feel they're getting nowhere at home - just rubbing two sticks together.
I don't see the need, when they've got everything provided.
Oh, yes? And what's your idea of everything provided? Clean and tidy and all they can eat.
They want more.
I never considered they were entitled to more, although you have to relax a bit on birthdays and cup finals.
Every cup final? I don't wish to talk about it.
Can you remember who won? It wasn't me! I remember that.
Your Lenny has been seen in chains.
Oh I heard he got a parking ticket, but chains is a bit strong.
LAUGHTER JANGLING You'd no business coming to the rescue.
I didn't want to be rescued.
Tell that to your Florrie.
She sent us to find you.
She's got no faith, that woman.
I were nearly free.
You call this nearly free! I was sucking me chest in.
I'd it all worked out.
You were going blue.
I often go blue.
Ask our Cliff.
What have you got there? It's a Lenny.
Famous for going blue.
Not famous yet, but I will be.
They'll come for miles.
They'll have bus trips.
They'll go to York Minster, then head for me.
It's Barry's Cousin, Lenny.
Oh, that one! Done well, our Barry.
Financial services.
Oh, so he keeps his cousin under lock and key.
Nobody keeps Lenny under lock and key.
The lock's not been invented yet that can hold me.
He wants to feel lucky they keep him at all.
I'd have thrown him back.
I know some people like lots of heavy jewellery but I was nearly there.
I'd a thumb loose.
They're critical are thumbs.
Ask our Cliff.
Where is our Cliff? He was behind me.
He's always behind somebody.
Come in, our Cliff! What you doing out there? Never mind what he's doing out there! What are you doing in here trussed up like that? If he's to be kept in maximum security, I don't want him in here.
Blame them.
I didn't ask to be brought here.
An act of simple charity.
Simple sounds right.
Found him lying on floor.
Not on this floor! Take him back again.
Suits me.
I was perfectly happy.
You didn't look so happy.
I'd got me legs free.
And a finger loose.
I want no loose fingers in here.
It was a thumb.
You'd have been there till next week.
Week after.
Don't you start getting gobby.
LAUGHTER I've escaped from trickier than this.
If he's escaped from somewhere, don't bring him in here.
But why outdoors? Why don't you behave like a lunatic in the comfort of your own home? The wife won't co-operate.
She says I scratch the bed.
If you're doing it in bed, no wonder she won't co-operate.
LAUGHTER Leave Leave me.
I don't need any help.
I've got an audition this afternoon.
Me first gig.
The big break.
MACHINE BUZZES Steady.
Steady.
Watch it.
It's too hot! CHAINS DROP TO THE GROUND They must have got knotted.
I can usually do better than that.
Not when I've been there.
LAUGHTER He's at it again.
Listen! How long have you been? Insane? Go on - say it.
People don't understand the urge to Tie hands and feet and roll on pavement? To do something different.
To be the best at something.
Best imitation of insane we've seen in a long while.
So where's this first audition then? The local.
Great place for starting.
The landlord runs these talent spots.
That's good.
When he sees you've no talent, you can show him your spots.
LAUGHTER Where did you find him? He's worse than our Cliff.
How long has your Lenny been chaining himself up? Since he saw a film about Houdini.
I thought he'd get over it.
Florrie says it's worse since he retired.
Isn't it great? When promotion time comes round, they'll say, "Oh, yes, Barry.
"Isn't he related to that muffin who keeps having to be undone all the time?" I expect he'll soon get fed up with it.
Men do.
Oh, really? Well, look at you with fishing.
I was all right till I heard the maggot screaming.
LAUGHTER But who would have guessed our Lenny would go like this? He rode a moped.
Is that significant? You don't expect that amount of passion from somebody on a moped.
How's this for an idea? Wasted.
We're both deaf.
You're not deaf.
Tell him he'll have to speak up.
We think it's nature's way of protecting us against bad influences.
I beg your pardon! My intentions are absolutely innocent.
Well, I don't like the sound of that.
Even if I can't hear it.
You absolutely innocent? Very unlikely.
You're an unreliable witness, Howard.
It's so unfair.
People always suspect me.
Well, I'll show the world for once.
And if you see Pearl, you can tell her Today, I'm above suspicion.
It's not over yet.
I want a whole day without being under a cloud of suspicion.
You're going to stay in bed the whole day? I'm not staying anywhere.
Well, that's it then.
No chance.
Soon as you make a move, you're back under that cloud again.
It's so unfair! Well, I have an announcement to make.
You're looking at Mr Squeaky Clean.
THEY LAUGH What's so funny about that? We can accept the squeaky part.
It's the other bit.
Well, here's a newsflash for you then.
No more female company.
I'm just one of the boys.
Today if we go anywhere, it's just with the boys.
Where do you suggest we go then? Why is he looking at us? Is it just sympathy because we're deaf? It's a nice day.
I think we should all go for a pub lunch.
It's all right so far.
Where's the devious bit? What devious bit? Ohyou'll think of something.
I'm thinking an entirely male no-female expedition.
We go to some female-free zone.
Sounds more unlikely all the time.
I'm glad we can't hear it.
You think you're among friends.
There he goes again exaggerating.
Do you know this person? Never seen him before.
All right, be like that then.
I'd go on my own, but it looks suspicious.
Yes, yes, we've noticed that.
People get the wrong impression.
I'll give you this, Howard.
You do a great wrong impression.
When you say you've given up female company, do you mean just today or permanently? Oh, just today.
Oh.
Bring him out.
Steady, steady.
Sssh! I only needed another minute.
My furniture won't stand another minute.
Is it him? Is it our Cliff? Has he been telling you I can't do it? I worked that out for meself.
Put him in the shed.
There's no room in the shed.
There's room enough for being stupid.
Florrie, this is the big one.
It's me best trick.
I've got to get this right.
It's the big finish.
And this is mine.
Inside the house, you're finished! LAUGHTER DOOR SLAMS Let's get him in the shed.
All right, go on.
I don't like him out here in full view of the promotion board.
Yuppie! Our Barry's a yuppie.
I'm ready for it.
I've had the briefcase since Christmas.
Has it got a combination lock? Yes, it does, as a matter of fact.
I bet I could open it.
You leave it alone! Where's me hood? I still need the hood.
Ah, there it is.
Look at that! Is that a big finish, or what? Lock me in the hood.
I like him better in the hood.
He's at it again.
HOOD CLANGS Female-free zone? Do we believe him? That's usually a no.
I know.
We can't take your word for it.
I don't see why not.
Don't you ever fear something might strike you down for saying things like that? No, I don't.
Says he, moving his chair.
I didn't move the chair.
You got ready to duck though, didn't you? You won't mind if we keep distance just in case? I have no hidden motives.
All I'm suggesting is that a few of us boys go and get a nice pub lunch.
Does this mean you pay? No, it doesn't.
Does it mean you'll stay? Stay? With us, er"boys" for the entire lunch.
Of course! There's no "of course" about it.
You'll be using us for cover to get you out, and as soon as we turn our backs, you'll be away.
You're getting as bad as Pearl.
I've no plan to sneak off to meet anyone.
You can watch me every minute! Oh! Well, it sounds fun(!) Pay for your own lunch and watch Howard every minute.
CHAINS JANGLE I can do it.
I can do it.
Leave me alone! CHAINS JANGLE Can you see any advantages in this as a hobby? Well, at least we know where he is.
LAUGHTER He's started going out with the boys.
It's come to something when they prefer going out with the boys.
I warned you, I was never completely happy with his eyebrows.
You blame his eyebrows? Yes.
It's my benchmark.
Not only deserted, but by an eyebrow.
I had to learn it the hard way.
I didn't think eyebrows mattered.
I told you.
Watch his eyebrows.
Watch how they move! They haven't moved.
They're still above his eyes.
The eyes can deceive, but they can't conceal their eyebrows.
What should I look for? Does he twitch? Everywhere else but I've never noticed eyebrows.
I suspect he's toying with you.
SHE LAUGHS BITTERLY I've been there.
So how come you fell for it, if you're so good at eyebrows? Well, I wasn't then.
I was still on my learning curve.
My trouble is I never learn.
Don't expect it to change, even if I pass eyebrow.
Something show business for me, and our Cliff needs brightening up.
How bright? Well, we ought to glitter and dazzle.
Is he ready for glitter and dazzle? I psyched him up.
He's raring to go.
We better strike then, while the iron's Is it switched on? And another thing, could we hire your transport? We've got to get our music and props up to the venue.
No problem.
Here comes my transport department now.
You'll be going later to pick up this gentleman's music.
Oh! About time I'd something lighter to carry.
THEY GROAN You call this picking up Cliff's music? He'll only play this piano.
We grew up together.
People don't understand how much fun showbiz is.
All together.
Push! ALL: A-a-a-ah! It's very pleasant to be going out with a clear conscience.
To be free for once from people's nasty suspicions.
Here they come now.
He's with the boys, like he said.
Well, he is now.
But who's he going to be with when they get to where they're going? It's bad enough being the other woman.
I'm damned if I'm going to be the OTHER other woman.
Follow that truck.
Hi.
Where are we going? To a nice little pub not too far.
Why all of a sudden? Because he's making such a production of not being up to something, that he must be up to something.
Right! All together.
Push! CRASH! You owe me a drink.
I never knew that.
For being an over-suspicious former policeman.
You thought I'd some plan up my sleeve.
It did cross our minds.
I knew it.
You thought I'd be sneaking off to meet someone.
We're still not sure it's you here.
It's probably some computerised effect.
See if he's plugged in anywhere.
You can all relax.
Look at me! I've never been more relaxed.
You're overdoing it again, Howard.
They're here.
You're looking good, kid.
Shouldn't I've fancy trousers? No! You're playing the piano.
They'll only see your top.
What if we get to Vegas? I'll get you some in Vegas.
But don't they drive on the right? You'll get the hang of it.
Just be careful on the roundabouts.
I'm glad your conscience is clear, Howard, because Pearl's here.
Where? Looking through the window.
You're having me on.
I don't care.
I don't care if Pearl is here.
I've nothing to hide.
If you say she's here, I'll go and find her.
I wonder if I should have Too late now.
It's too late for a showbiz career.
What about Tony Bennett? He's not just starting.
No, he's never had to work for a living.
I've never had time to leave my heart in San Francisco.
Oh, heck! Oh, it's stuck! Get me out! Where is it? Where's my hood? Where is it? Where's my hood? Where's my hood? Where is it? Get me hood! Where's me hood? Where is it? You've got quite enough to keep you going.
Yes, but it's my big finish.
Where is it? Where is it? Oh I need me hood! Look at this.
Do you think that's the one? I think that's the one.
I'll check it out.
It's a match, it fits.
It fits exactly.
Look at the details.
It's all there.
Two weeks in Ibiza including flights and full board.
For that price it's a steal.
Can you help me out? We're not allowed to carry cash.
Where's our Cliff? Where's our Cliff? They're signed him up to play the piano.
Well, what about you? I never got past the strait-jacket.
Some chuff's nicked me hood.
Shed You should wear one more often.
It suits you.
I can explain! Too late.
Norman Clegg's done it for you.
CLANG! Don't start coming all Mr Showbiz at me.
I can see it in your eyes.
One gig and suddenly it's Liberace.
I often wonder what Stone Age people did on Sundays.
Those in Renshaw Street use it for getting over Saturdays.
I often wonder what WE do on Sundays.
As any different from Monday, Tuesday Didn't we see your legs just pass? We were going that way anyway.
Are we going to wait for Alvin's legs to come back? No.
They'll find their way home.