Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s30e01 Episode Script

I said, "Good morning.
" He said, "Don't come too close, I'm a target.
" He thinks he's a target.
I arrested one once who thought he was a drinks dispenser.
Oh, well you know where you are with a drinks dispenser.
Morning, Mr Hobdyke.
No names.
Never mention the name.
Sorry? People, even as we speak, are looking for that name.
How much do you owe? I don't owe anything.
These are highly trained lethal people.
I'm a target.
Wow! Could you move over there a bit? How do you live with something like that? Outdoors I stay alert.
Indoors I do craft work.
If you want to shout a name you can call me Ace.
Ace? Where did you get that? Primrose Dairies? That was our cover.
For the real work.
The kind of work where a man can become a legend known as Ace.
Have you heard from Nora? Oh, yes.
Three o'clock this morning.
She hasn't worked out the time difference yet.
I hope it was worth it.
Oh, never fear.
She wanted to remind me to polish the banisters every Wednesday.
Not Thursday? Apparently Wednesday's banister day.
You need more teacups.
Or fewer friends.
Don't you smoke either? Gave it up.
It was turning moustache brown.
You don't have a moustache.
Forgot.
By time I remembered, it was too late.
I was non-smoker.
You meet some idiots in the pub trade, but you lot, you're in a class of your own.
It's not a big removal van, just a self-hire.
Maybe they don't have much stuff.
These days everybody has too much stuff.
Uncle Ted didn't have too much stuff.
He was loopy.
He wasn't loopy.
He said he was in contact with flying saucers.
Only once.
They never called back.
Best not be seen peeping.
I don't want their first impression to be nosy neighbours.
Especially since we're nosy neighbours.
No, we're not.
It's only natural to be hoping they're going to be nice.
Will you come away from that window? I was just passing.
Are we alone? Good heavens! We've hardly met.
My instincts tell me I'm being followed.
I can assure you it wasn't me.
Don't be alarmed, but if the next person who comes through that door is a gigantic Russian former wrestler by the name of Platonov Good heavens! What then? .
.
I advise you not to look while I deal with him.
Oh! What're you going to Shh! Yes, right! Well, since I'm here, what have you got in your Albanian cookery section? There was a dish they used to feed me as a prisoner.
You're looking at me oddly.
Have I started to twitch? Do you intend to? I'm not sure it's permissible in the library.
It's nothing.
Just a bit of post-combat stress.
Sometimes I forget things.
You wouldn't be one of them, would you? Wehaven't beenvery close, orwhat-have-you? I can assure you not "close", and most certainly not "what-have-you".
I have to be careful, you see.
You never know who you might have forgotten.
I could have a wife somewhere.
I can tell you now, all you're entitled to from me is a library ticket.
You wouldn't by any chance have the address of the really Secret Service? I mean the really SECRET Secret Service? I hardly think so if it's all that secret.
I was wondering if they had an agent missing, in which case it could be me.
But if you worked for them wouldn't they know it was you? It's tricky, you see.
It all gets so secret, nobody knows what anybody's doing.
Oh, it sounds like an organ of state.
CAR HORN HOOTS But you're not really sure that you used to work for them? I've started to remember things.
A cottage by a lake in northern Finland.
Holiday? Up to where I had to terminate the spy who was possibly the only woman I ever truly loved.
You see, where would I get memories like that unless I was on secret work? You don't pick up stuff like that from the Job Centre.
Have you any evidence? I could have shown you my old bullet wounds.
Not in my library.
But they wiped those too.
Plastic surgery.
Top job.
You can't see a trace.
Except they still irritate in warm weather.
I'm always at it with the old body lotion.
You do smell nice.
Thank you.
I don't see why macho has to be all sweaty, do you? No! You're sure about that address? We do not have the address of the most secret Secret Service.
They're not in Yellow Pages either.
Ah, looking thoughtful, Morton.
On the brink of a great discovery, and we've interrupted.
I was wondering how the wife is, since she left me.
My guess would be happy.
Doing great, I shouldn't wonder.
Thanks(!) Stop teasing him and ask him if he's seen anyone suspicious.
Just this prawn wearing a scarf under his cap.
There are sound tactical reasons.
And besides, I don't want a draught in my ear.
If you'd ever been a martyr to earache you'd know where I'm coming from.
I hope we're not intruding, Morton, if you were planning to jump.
I'm the first one to understand when a chap gets tired of running on empty.
No.
I'm not going to jump.
I'm a fighter.
But then again, I'm a loser.
You see how tricky life is.
You've got to be tricky back.
Ask Entwistle.
He learned the art of Zen from mending washing machines.
The sound of one hand dropping screwdriver.
Secret is remain calm.
I thought you used to swear.
That other secret.
Morton.
Have you tried fine needlework? It's reduced my combat stress dramatically.
Is there any point in trying anything? Listen, Mort, if you are going to jump, wait until we've gone so we don't get splashed.
I have no intention of doing a jump.
He's changed his mind.
Lacks decision.
I ought not to be out here, exposed like this.
Ask him if he wants to join us for a drink.
Yes.
Getting better at decisions.
I'm looking lovely.
How do you feel? I feel dishy too.
That's the spirit, girl.
Oh! Sorry.
Wrong house.
No, it's not the wrong house.
I believe I know this person.
They hate it.
They hate it when you look smart for going out.
Travis always gets a bad leg.
And that's supposed to keep you in the house.
I know the system.
He gets dizzy spells.
I can't help it.
You never know when they're going to strike.
That's the thing about dizzy spells.
Mind you, if anyone was ever suitable for dizzy spells it has to be him.
Relax.
I'll bring her back, unless we get a better offer.
Too right! And where exactly do you two think you're off to? To Irene Hislop's funeral.
I told you.
I can't remember you telling me.
I told you Monday.
Oh, that's more than 24 hours.
They don't retain information for that length of time.
Excuse me.
Why do you never get dressed up for me? To be dragged through some bushes? That's his idea of a day out.
Fancy saying a thing like that! Oh, shut up and pull the twigs out your hair! Today, Morton needs strong tea.
So what you're saying is, normally I serve weak tea.
No, always strong tea.
This establishment famous for strong tea.
You're not lying convincingly.
But today, Morton needs extra-strong tea.
Three sugars.
I need some sweetness in my life.
What's his problem? Nobody likes him, the dog bit him, his wife left him.
Are you sure she hasn't just run out of sugar? Or was it - the wife bit him and the dog left him? I used to be a debt collector.
Nobody likes a person like that.
But you'd think your wife might like you.
This is Yorkshire, love.
We don't like anybody.
I am Yorkshire.
Then you've no business expecting sweetness.
You see.
You're among friends.
I bet you feel better already.
Right, I've checked.
The area's secure.
Oh, that is a relief.
Madam, these things are not done lightly.
There are people here, my team for instance .
.
nay, you yourself, madam, who can benefit from a professional eye.
Now, if you would be so kind as to find me a chair with its back against a wall.
No problem.
Here! When did you see the Inspector? Last night.
You'd just left.
Just my luck.
I bet he thought I was sneaking off home early.
Well, there is that possibility since you were sneaking home early.
And he said it's time we arrested somebody? Yes.
And he meant it.
Did he say who? No, he didn't say who.
I think he were leaving that to us.
Typical! He's gets paid to make all the decisions.
Look who has to decide who to arrest.
I'm going to make them a pot of tea.
Oh yes? How charitable! Not just curious.
Do you want me to come with you and take notes? Take note of this.
Any more cracks like that and your next meal is going to be very undistinguished.
I thought we had that yesterday.
SIREN WAILS You must have been driving recklessly.
How can you drive recklessly in this? Well, I can't afford you a solicitor.
Your best plan is to plead insanity.
Why are we arresting these two? Think positive.
There must be something.
But why these two? An old lady, and he looks like a muffin behind the wheel.
It's no good waiting for a car full of violent yobs.
The criminal justice system is geared for letting off violent yobs.
Nobody on the other hand is looking out for old ladies.
Have you checked? Can you see anyone suspicious? Only you.
Where are we heading? Out in the hills.
Fresh air, scenery, nice little country pub.
Not necessarily in that order.
I'll just slip into something more comfortable.
What's more comfortable? I thought he looked comfortable.
He twitches.
Well, not a lot.
Have you never twitched? You ask that of Electrical Entwistle? You grab wrong wire, you twitch.
HE EXHALES INTO BREATHALYSER Have you got any other flavour? Other flavour! I like it.
He's a pleasure to breathalyse.
Makes you feel rotten being rotten to him.
What have I done? Insecure load.
You go hurtling round a corner and half that stuff's going to fly off.
Hurtle? You can't hurtle in that.
Have you tried? Flat out, she gets overtaken by bicycles.
Admits going flat out.
Case closed.
Police brutality.
I saw you hit him.
I only slapped him on the back.
Ooh We never actually look, do we? To see if there is anybody lurking about.
I look all time.
You're lying.
It's easier than looking.
Ready when you are.
Right! Rule numero uno - surprise.
I'll ride up there.
I'll see them coming from there.
See who coming? Men in white coats.
The Russians.
Putin's people.
I have these scars in my memory that tell me we're old adversaries.
I like the moustache, don't you? I think it says "calm and experienced".
Right, you! Frequent checks in the rear view mirror.
You, you'll advise me if my moustache moves.
That's no job for a grown person.
I'm not spending my life monitoring your upper lip.
Point taken.
Right, moustache duties, plus you'll work the satnav.
No satnav.
No satnav? Got thing that boils tea.
Take a note, must get satnav.
Right, first we pick up Morton and find him a friend.
HOBBO CHUCKLES I think it's wonderful, you know All those years of danger and it didn't turn me into a hard person.
Forward! She wasted her life on that useless lump.
It's been done before.
But why do women do it? Because they start off with a boyfriend who's one thing and wake up with a husband who's another.
I suppose we've been lucky, really.
I wouldn't go as far as "lucky".
Oh, you would.
Ours are harmless.
I think sackless is closer.
There's no justice, is there? She's dead and he's looking fit at her funeral.
He's got a handshake that won't let go.
Oh, I hate that.
Standing there with a big, cheesy grin.
Yeah, he seemed to be bearing up nicely.
She ran herself ragged looking after him.
And he always let her.
Oh, I could have booted him today.
I had to grit my teeth when he kissed me.
It was like a slap with a wet sock.
He was kissing everyone.
I thought he was going to start on the men.
She was such a bonny lass.
You've got to do more than that with your life.
We haven't done so much more.
Then it's time we started.
You can't spend your whole life looking after men.
Well, someone's got to.
Men! You know what week this is? As from now, it's Hate Men Week.
We should make it a fortnight.
I think it's time we found a bit of time for ourselves.
I'll drink to that.
And I'll put the kettle on.
No, no, no.
Let him do it.
Ooh Howard! What? What? Put the kettle on.
THEY LAUGH Least we can do is introduce ourselves and make them feel welcome.
"Hello, we're your nosy neighbours.
" It's just neighbourly nosy.
It's what neighbours do.
Pick something up, Barry.
Carry it in for them.
Nice gesture.
I think so.
The Captain! LAMP SMASHES Goodbye, reading in bed.
I was planning on reading in bed.
I've just been through a very nasty divorce because they caught me NOT reading in bed.
You see how everything can end pleasantly if we all show a little understanding.
Now, you know where my shop is.
Call in any time.
There'll always be a welcome for what used to be the forces of law and order.
I don't know what you bought that thing for.
It's not as useless as your thing there.
She gave me a good price.
Next time we wait for violent yobs.
I broke his lamp! I'm going to have to move house.
Maybe leave the area.
Barry! Down you get, Morton.
Now, help me down.
Is me foot over the wheel? Am I good for the wheel? You're fine.
Just lower it.
Are you sure? Take my foot and place it on the wheel.
You did good there, Morton.
I file away stuff like that.
Now, stand here while I have a word with Barry.
Mr Hobdyke.
Shh! No names, Barry.
You You know Morton.
Yes, I know Morton.
Yes.
Used to be Herman Teasdale.
I want you to get to know him better.
He's a good person.
Did you always have a moustache? It's a tactical moustache.
Barry, I've brought you Morton.
What do you mean, you've brought me? He's lonely.
He needs a friend.
I can't keep him with me.
I'm too dangerous.
I'm a target.
We could be in some Russian's telescopic sights at this very instant.
Come over here, Morton.
Come on.
To me.
Say hello to Barry.
Barry will be your full-time friend from now on.
That's great.
I like Barry.
I've always liked Barry.
Just a minute.
How full-time is full? Shake hands and have a wonderful life together.
Hey.
Come on, team.
That's it.
Hup.
Come on, in Be careful, team! I can't do anything with him.
Well, certainly not in here.
It's not me.
It's his other woman.
His wife, you mean? Well, yes, if you want to get technical.
He's been told he's free to go whenever he pleases, and look at him.
She showed me the door.
You always said you wanted to be free.
Between the hours of lunch and teatime! You don't have to overdo it.
Do you realise, we've never been out in the dark? How can you study nature in the dark? I imagine she'd guide you through.
I'd raise no objection to the use of a flashlight.
So what are you drinking, Hobbo? Where's he gone now? Right.
Let me have your report.
Is there a back door? There's always a back door.
You can verify that.
Good.
Toilets? That way.
I don't want to use them.
I'm just asking if they've been checked.
Well, I wouldn't say springtime fresh.
OK to visit.
You wouldn't want to stay.
Your determined attacker could hide in there.
I was once leapt on in a convenience in Copenhagen.
Right, find me a seat with my back against the wall.
You don't drink? Yes, I drink, but not when I'm driving.
Are you driving? I thought I might drive us home.
Oh.
I like to keep the old highway skills sharp.
You said you lost memory.
They only wiped the secret bits.
Who? Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Was it our enemy or was it my own people? Of course, this is in strict confidence.
Who's going to believe it? They think you're an idiot.
I can live with that.
That's my best disguise.
Works for us.
What about your background, family? No-one.
I was adopted.
Was I unwanted? Hard to believe.
I expect Mother was poor.
I'm determined to track her down.
Big treat for Mother.
I shall go with gifts.
I've been embroidering a set of linen for her.
It's seen me through many a long winter night.
It's my own stitch.
I've invented my own stitch.
I call it Mother Stitch.
HE SLURPS Let me run through that again.
You've brought me not only a lamp, but Morton.
Morton has time on his hands.
He's eager to help.
I am.
I'm eager to help.
And I accept.
Ohhh! I'll accept all I can get.
She's left me no choice.
She took the house, the furniture, the car.
I was lucky to get away with two pair of trousers.
The cow! We'll have a drink if I can find it.
It's a bit early for me.
What am I, a drink-sodden?! We'd love a drink.
I like a man that knows his own mind.
GEARS GRIND Have you driven one of these? I've driven everything from Soviet tanks to submarines.
See! There's something else coming back to me now.
Can you drive with a twitch? That'll go as soon as I get my confidence back.
You see where the problem is.
You have to try to anticipate the twitch.
ELECTRICAL BANG I thought Howard looked worried.
He has the right face for it.
Oh, yes, yes, he does it very well.