Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s30e03 Episode Script

D'you think that we'll ever have to do sommat brave? It could happen anytime.
We have to live with that.
Do you think she's his mother? Well, he has been wrong before.
Oh, I can't believe it of Nelly.
Although, she did move down south.
Oh, well, that practically proves it then.
No, but it does suggest that she might have a flaw in her character.
What about in yours? You're the right age group.
Watch your mouth.
We can still be friends.
You're entitled to one mistake.
If you had woman of your own, you could forget mother.
How can a person forget his mother? She forgot you for 50 years! You don't know that.
She could have been pining for me every day.
She left you on a doorstep.
Out of the draught.
They said I was well wrapped up.
Sounds like spoiled kid to me.
Wasn't just any old doorstep.
No doorstep too good for my kid.
Do you two mind? This is very personal for me.
I still say, forget mother, get woman.
How do I know there isn't a woman? Sinister forces wiped some of my memory.
I sometimes get the feeling I might have a wife somewhere.
Another one in big hurry to find you.
How come you remember anything if they wiped your memory? They only wiped the secret bits.
I can remember being a milkman.
But they put a big blackout over everything I did for the Secret Service.
Oh! You wanted a City suit.
I thought they'd pulled up all the tramlines.
Here she comes! That's mother.
Don't tell me that's not mother.
What do I say? What do you say to your mother after 50 years? "What kept you?" Or you could try, "Was it something I said?" Don't say a word.
Just give her a smile.
Let her see you're harmless.
What do you mean harmless? I'm a lethal machine! Well, pretend you're harmless, just this once.
I can do that.
Yes, I'm good at disguise.
I'm a master of disguise.
I was known throughout Eastern Europe as The Shadow.
You said you were called Ace.
By my friends.
My enemies knew me as The Shadow.
Don't say it.
How've you been keeping? Fine.
Until now.
I can show you a distinguishing mark.
You dare and you'll get another.
Can't we just make conversation like two civilised people? D'you ever hear from dad? I'm only a couple of doors away.
Terrific(!) It was before the war.
I went up there with a young lady from the Bradford & Bingley.
You were seeking financial advice? Not exclusively.
I understand she married and moved to Leicester.
Oh, well, made a big impression there, didn't you? OK, not mother.
Maybe she'd be your aunt.
She's my mother.
I'm a trained spook.
We never forget a face.
You were three days old.
I remember faces.
What else is there to do on a doorstep? I forgive her.
I'm like that.
Except with enemies of this nation - then I'm a tiger.
D'you fancy a drink, Tiger? I shouldn't really while I'm on medication.
But I'm not driving.
You're not driving my truck.
I've seen you.
I was all right once I lost the twitch.
You can't forecast every twitch.
What's this medication you're on, Tiger? It's for a touch of arthritis in the left ear.
It hurts when I wiggle it.
So why wiggle it? At close quarters, that can sometimes be a distraction to an enemy - a ploy like that.
Use the right ear.
I like all my moving parts to be fully operational.
There's no answer to that.
I want to see this performing ear.
I'm sworn only to use it in emergencies.
You look very smart.
And always remember how reduced it was in the sale.
Suppose I'm mistaken for a zebra crossing! People tend to walk all over me as it is.
Not when I'm there.
Off you go, before I kidnap you and sweep you away to somewhere exotic.
We've been to Leeds.
He's there again, look.
I think he just waits to say good morning.
Then be nice to him.
Say good morning.
Morning, Morton.
Morning suit Barry.
It's too loud, isn't it? You don't like it.
You're my friend.
Love me, love the suit.
That's very decent of you, Mort.
But I don't like it.
You're right.
It's terrible.
Odds's teeth, lad, I've heard of power dressing, but this is naked aggression.
It was in the sale.
I should damn well think so.
Well, let's not stand out here.
Why don't we go inside and help old Toby unblock his sink? I'll love to help Good! I like that attitude.
Come along then.
It's Barry, isn't it? Yes.
And Harry.
Barry and Harry.
It's a double act.
It's Morton, actually.
Well, that's blown that, then.
Never mind.
Barry and Morton.
I can live with that.
Of course, I used to have my own personal sink unblocker.
And then she divorced me, the ungrateful, treacherous, conniving It's at times like this you miss them terribly.
I've been thinking.
Bad move.
Relax.
What do you do for fun? Life isn't for fun.
Life is for testing yourself to the limit, for being a rock against Her Majesty's enemies.
Why are we talking to this rock? How often do you get the chance? Since you're on my team, I've been thinking.
We're on his team? Looks like it.
What do we do on team? We look for Her Majesty's enemies mostly.
Sounds like fun.
Man who makes enemies shouldn't throw glass houses.
I think I've heard that.
I'm not surprised.
I just said it.
D'you think she'll like me when she gets to know the essential me? Hobbo, YOU don't even know the essential you.
How's she going to say no to a decorated Cold War hero? You see what I mean? You spend half your time dreaming.
Dreams? I'll have you know these are genuine flashbacks to a life from the cutting edge of Primrose Dairies.
That's just cover.
You don't imagine the most secret of Secret Services operates under its own name?! There are dark areas in this world where the name of Primrose Dairies still strikes fear into the hearts of evil doers.
In those dire communist regimes, old ladies in shawls lit secret candles for those of us who, on a daily basis, risked our lives for the Dairies.
Primrose Dairies was a beacon of hope! Primrose Dairies sold bacon? SPLASHING Beacon.
Beacon! They say he was something highly secret.
You mean HE says he was something highly secret.
I heard MI5.
I heard milkman.
I heard that was just his cover.
I must say, I do like a bit of heroism.
Well, you should have said! I was beginning to believe all the heroism's gone.
I think I can confidently say it's still there if you look for it.
At one time of day, men would go to the ends of the earth to win their ladies.
Well, it's not easy when you've got to be back by teatime.
It's not supposed to be easy.
A man's expected to challenge himself against all odds.
I built a castle entirely from matches.
About two inches high.
He gave it to me for my birthday.
It's just not the same as diamonds, is it? I wonder if I should take a flu powder.
Or perhaps put on a winter vest.
I was only wearing a summer vest.
He lives for danger(!) Listen, only a summer vest.
I think that's normal.
Only thing that is.
I want you to keep your eye on me for any signs of a chill.
Don't let me over-exert.
How did you come to fall in the water? Fall?! That wasn't a fall - it was a finely-tuned evasive action.
The old life saver.
"Evasive action"? I don't suppose you saw it.
What? The tell tale glint.
I caught the briefest flash of sunlight on glass, and that means telescopic sight.
And that means move your carcass, Hobdyke - fast.
You're right.
We didn't see it.
Nobody saw it.
Peripheral vision needs training! If you're gonna be in my team I'll need to bring you up to speed.
Who's likely to be after you with a rifle? My guess would be Putin's people.
Must have his shirt off again.
And that's as much as I'm allowed to say.
So why does he think you're his mother? It's not funny.
Oh, it is funny.
What am I going to tell Travis? What have you got to hide? Do stop giggling.
Nothing.
I've got nothing to hide.
At least not that big.
Then don't tell Travis anything.
I mean, he rarely goes out.
He's not gonna hear anything.
But everybody else will.
It's embarrassing.
Some clown going about calling you "mother".
At least you missed the nappy stage! What? Would you say I was capable of doing something adventurous and heroic? Well, I'm sometimes amazed at what you're prepared to tackle.
I would say about as heroic as Travis - and he needs an anaesthetic before you can get near him with a band aid.
This one would wear a helmet for playing Ludo.
Well, you certainly know how to hurt people.
Well, you might be sorry.
Iam toying with the idea of rowing the Atlantic single-handed.
THEY LAUGH I'm not fully committed yet, but it's firming up.
Any Russians in recently? How would I know if they're Russians? Sturdy build.
Bad tailoring.
That's not Russian, that's basic Yorkshire.
But with a funny accent.
Yes.
Basic Yorkshire! Now why don't you sit down and give your tongue a rest? You know, I do get nostalgic about the ambience here.
Early Formica.
Quaint.
"Quaint"?! What's "quaint" about it? Take it as a compliment.
People don't believe these places still exist.
"These places"?! It's a trip down memory lane.
That old wartime absence of comfort and frills.
You've got it absolutely right.
That atmosphere of rationing, that well-scrubbed feel of austerity.
Wise man shuts mouth before he puts own boot in it.
I'm a fan.
I'm half in love with the place.
With a bit of imagination, you could easily convert it into something as cheerful as a packing crate! Only joking, of course.
You'll have to excuse him, he's just been wet.
We found him while we were fishing.
You should have thrown him back.
Don't think we didn't try.
Ha! They jest.
Now you look like a lady of taste.
What's the special today? Come and have a look.
BANGING Are you ready to order? Oh, don't wait for your friend.
He seems to have got his tie nailed to my chopping block.
DOOR SHUTS What are you doing back already? I'm going to change.
I'm afraid I've ruined the suit.
I've been unbunging the captain's sink.
Can't he unbung his own sink? "Toby Mowbray hyphen Smith"? Does that sound like a name for unbunging sinks? Glenda, the world is divided into those who unbung sinks and those who bung them up.
Toby is a bunger-upper.
Is he going to pay for your suit? He calls me Barry.
It's your name.
It is now.
It used to be, "Hey, You".
'Place your feet on the white marks.
'Don't move.
A member of staff will escort you to safety.
' What's not safe? Anybody in here that's not under supervision.
No, don't turn your back.
I've finished with all that! It's just a reflex.
I can't kick it.
He used to chase me for money.
I know the feeling.
I've been trying to get my money's worth out of you since day one.
Don't believe her.
She gets value.
They take advantage of me.
Because I'm poor and simple.
And nobody taught her to lie like that.
She picked it up entirely by herself.
Don't interrupt me.
I'm getting a feeling for what this gentleman wants.
I was thinking about Yes! I must be psychic.
It's here, ready for you.
It's uncanny, really.
I scare myself sometimes.
What is it? You asked for it.
It's what you've been pining for.
It's probably been your most secret wish.
What? A genuine, reconditioned, at-a-bargain-price-never-repeatable tractor tyre you'll never tell from new! I don't have a tractor! You never will have if you go on being negative! You've got to start thinking tractors, dreaming tractors.
How did you get that hole in your tie? Will you please concentrate on your mission? But why do I have to wear a wire in my own house? So I can listen in and hear what Mother says.
I can tell you what she says.
She says she's not your mother.
That's what she says in public.
But what does she say to Pearl in private? Oh, they won't speak privately in front of me.
Well SCREECHING Just stay nearby, or keep passing through, or come up with some clever contrivance to make them think you're not listening.
No chance.
He failed clever contrivance.
You'll be sorry for thinking me useless when you see me on TV rowing the Atlantic.
Oh, you're going then? Tuesday.
Forecast rain Tuesday.
All right, Wednesday.
FEEDBACK SCREECHES Morton, come in.
Actually, I've got something out here to show Barry.
Is Barry in? Barry! Morton wants to show you something! He's the first one I thought of.
I suppose this bond develops when you've been unbunging sinks together.
It's not another sink, is it? He's at the door.
(I'm going in!) HE BLOWS SQUEAKING You met him at Cleethorpes.
And it was love at first sight.
He had a motor bike.
I fell for that first.
I know what they're like, these holiday romances.
How come you know so much about holiday romances? Stop earwigging.
What makes you think I'm earwigging? That's it, then.
I'm from Cleethorpes.
You've got no proof of that.
You heard it.
"A holiday romance".
I'm a love child.
I knew she was the one.
There was this instant something between us.
A handbag.
She was hitting you with it.
Why don't you go and change your library book? I've only just changed it.
It's never stopped you before.
You'd be astonished at how often he can change a library book.
I think he must have the record.
I'm a speed reader.
Well, get some speed up now.
He'll be going in a minute.
Won't you? As soon as I've finished the paper.
(What's up with him?) (He's up to something.
(He goes next door, then comes back to force himself on us.
(There's something going on.
) RUMBLING (Listen! (To what? His stomach.
(Can't you hear it rumbling? Oh! (Is that what it is? (I thought it was your pipes.
(That's his guilty stomach.
) We're getting some bad interference.
Listen RUMBLING That's not interference.
Sounds like the thermostat's gone on your immersion heater.
They could be coded signals.
Little bursts of sensitive matter.
It sounds like something's burst.
We may have locked into someone's secret traffic.
RUMBLING CONTINUES FEEDBACK SCREECHES SCREECHING CONTINUES That's the weirdest stomach I've ever heard.
I want to know what's going on.
RUMBLING AND SCREECHING I know that stomach.
It's Morton.
What's he doing with all that tyre? Maybe all he's got in world is old tractor tyre.
He takes it walkies.
I think that's nice.
Pull up near the idiot but watch out.
It could be a ploy.
It's like Aunty says.
You could do a million things with these.
You could fill the middle in.
Make a little garden pond.
Maybe a fountain.
Plant things in it.
They're gonna be a real asset to any garden.
Morton Is it fine by you if we call you Morton? Oh! Wow! Great! The thing is, Mort, I see you pushing an old tractor tyre up a the hill, and I think, this is my kind of person.
Oh, I am.
I bet I am.
I know I am! I think this chap's entirely off the radar, behaviour-wise.
He'll never going to look like a threat to Her Majesty's enemies.
He could be one of my spotters! Great! Absolutely! I can do that.
What am I looking for? Russians.
Russians?! And an old tractor tyre.
Yours seems to have slipped away.
We'll never get there at this rate.
And what's there when we get there? Trouble.
I think it's often more satisfying to travel than to arrive.
You're a philosopher.
This job can do that to you.
Anyway, we're in the middle of a game.
What game? The Tease.
I'll show you how to joust a little with the Great British Public.
We keep a nice, steady pace.
Traffic piles up behind because they don't know whether they dare pass a police car.
Are you sure you're ready for the Atlantic, Howard? Well, not yet.
But I'm not planning anything till next Tuesday.
Don't tell me you've done the Atlantic already.
He said he was doing it single-handed! He is in future.
Call me Ace! Have you ever heard anything so flash? Bit of competition.
You'll have to shape up, Howard.
Oh, don't think I can't.
Ha-ha!