Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s30e05 Episode Script

I heard you moving about in the early hours.
What were you doing? Housework.
It was either that or start smoking.
I'll say this for Nora, she was quiet at nights.
Her husband could have told you that.
I think he got so he never noticed.
Married to our Nora, not noticing would be one of your better options.
So how's she coping in Australia? She'll be all right.
I'm not so sure about the Australians.
He does remind me of somebody.
Could be Brad Pitt.
It's not Brad Pitt.
Are you often mistaken for Brad Pitt? Happens all time.
How's Mrs Entwistle? Forgot to ask.
I knew there was something.
The way they practise marriage in these parts it's a wonder anybody's still here.
Good point.
How come we Yorkshire folk didn't die out? I think the old-fashioned Sunday has a lot to answer for.
You weren't supposed to work, and everything was closed.
The new insurance man wears a wig.
Is that what they mean by being fully covered? You know, sometimes it doesn't turn as fast as his head does.
Why would he want to impress the ladies at his age? How come you don't know the answer to that at your age? Oh, well, I sold lino all those years.
That's enough excitement for anybody.
KNOCK ON DOOR I don't want to intrude.
Goodbye, then, Howard.
Sorry you can't stop.
But I've got to confide in somebody.
He's not in.
Try the next street.
You're not being very helpful.
Oh, you noticed that, have you? It's Pearl.
I think she's seeing someone else.
Have you made any kind of check for intruders? You shouldn't leave it all to me.
I've been let down before by sloppy staff work.
Jam roly-poly.
Excuse me? It sounded like you said jam roly-poly.
He did.
He said jam roly-poly.
Is this new dance? Jam roly-poly's not a dance.
Ooh, wait a minute, we could be onto something there.
Used to be dance called cakewalk.
Well, there you go, then.
# Let's all do the jam roly-poly # The jam roly-poly The jam roly-poly # Let's all do the jam roly-poly.
# Stop blathering and pay attention while I run you through some basic field craft moves.
I've just had this vision.
Of jam roly-poly? Yes.
I'm going to bake one tomorrow.
I haven't had one in yonks.
If you see me hesitating here, it's because I haven't fully decided between a white sauce or delicious custard.
Go custard.
We invented custard.
You invented custard? Marco Polo stole recipe.
Started Custard War.
I've heard of Opium War.
That came later.
People turned to opium when no custard.
Wait a minute.
Excuse me! I brought us up here to practise staying alert in open countryside.
You want visions, I'll give you visions.
I keep seeing me trekking through Siberia with the KGB looking for me with helicopters.
I think I'll do a white sauce.
Natasha.
If it hadn't been for Natasha.
She died saving me.
"Go," she said.
"Take my heart with you.
" How did you get it through customs? Said it was jam roly-poly.
I hated leaving her.
But I had to get the secret formula back to Primrose Dairies.
Saddest thing was, I didn't have time to bury her.
I started, but have you tried digging permafrost with a metal coat hanger? That's a no.
Make that two.
Best thing I could do was cover her with bits of bark from dead branches.
I'd only got as far as one leg when I heard the helicopter.
What were you doing out there with a coat hanger? They were like gold in Siberia.
You could use them for barter.
Without coat hangers, they use to have to go outside every night in just their jammies and hang their coats on trees.
She loved you, and you only buried one leg? Don't remind me.
I've had to live with it.
He thinks his wife is seeing someone else.
What's good for the goose! HE's seeing someone else.
Howard's seeing someone else? You know this for a fact? Yes.
He's dead.
That's it.
Finished.
History.
He can have his Field Guide To British Insects back.
I wondered where that had gone.
It's not a library copy.
He bought it for me.
It's personally inscribed.
"To Marina, who makes insect-spotting an adventure.
" Who is this someone else he's seeing? It's you, you silly girl.
That's all we are, a someone else.
Never a bride, always a someone else.
I know it's sad, but we do get more variety.
Not recently.
No, not recently.
Barry! How much water do you put in these things? I could tell you if it was an engine, but irons, that's female territory.
I'll get the expert.
Glenda! Glenda! Where's the fire? How much water should the Captain put in his steam iron? Did you hear him? Not only calls me Barry, but now he's relying on me.
That's progress, Glenda.
He used to wipe me off his shoe.
We're going to be buddies.
I can feel it.
"Hi, Barry!" "Hi, Toby!" Don't overheat.
He's just an ordinary mortal.
You wouldn't say that if you'd seen his chip shot.
I never knew he had a chip shop.
Chip SHOT.
Good morning, Toby.
And to you, my dear.
You'd think after 30 years of marriage, she could still do my washing and ironing.
What's wrong with it? It looks new.
Oh, it is.
Imagine I get to my age before experiencing the thrill of buying an iron(!) How much water does it recommend in the instructions? They come with instructions? What kind of moron needs instructions for an iron? So your wife goes out some afternoons with Nelly.
So what? You and I often go out in an afternoon.
She's no business behaving like that.
I'm afraid I don't see the difference.
The difference is that Pearl's not really interested in insects.
Howard, I'M not really interested in insects.
I wish you'd said before I bought you the book.
If you think your wife is going astray, why do you come to us for sympathy? I thought that's what friends were for.
Wives are for sympathy.
The other woman is supposed to be for romance, excitement, forbidden passion.
Forbidden? We haven't passed what's allowed yet.
I was working on it.
My life's falling apart.
My wife's acting strangely, and the one person I thought I could turn to Yes, go on.
.
.
doesn't like insects.
I quite like some furry caterpillars.
You do? Maybe we could build on that.
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! Oh, good grief! And they owe it all to a furry caterpillar.
Come on! Come on! On your feet! Action stations.
Action stations! Now, come along, I want to show you something.
Seen it.
No, you haven't.
I was there when he saw it.
I remember him saying, "Let's not bother seeing that again.
" Stop messing about.
Now watch this, you'll be amazed.
Before we be amazed, why don't we have a stroll to the pub? I'll vote for that.
Pub, I don't mind seeing again.
Ye gods! Is this your idea of a well-structured day? Now, watch this.
You see that patch of shade down there near the hedge? I'll show you how I can disappear entirely.
Promises, promises.
You don't need to use camouflage, all you have to do is use the shade.
Now watch me disappear.
You'll be amazed.
Now you see why they called me The Shadow.
Now, come on, be honest, I bet I'm invisible.
Hello? Are you there? Are you receiving me? Team? Do we wait for him? Is there any point now he's invisible? That's true.
May be in truck already.
Good point.
Let's go.
To me! Team! I'm making that an order.
Team to me! Hat on fire.
Caught it in time.
No problem.
Happened before.
In the course of an adventurous life, bound to get your hat on fire.
Problem? No problem.
Just waiting for team leader.
He should be coming round the bend any minute.
If it's him with the hat, are you sure he's not round the bend already? We're keeping an open mind.
He was jumping on his hat.
Yeah, he does that.
Hat dance he learned in Siberia.
Keeps them warm in winter.
It looked like a right paddy to me.
Inclined to be vicious, is he? No.
He's a pussycat.
Was he out there? Was who out there? Howard.
I didn't see him.
Doesn't mean he isn't there.
He can be very sneaky.
Then he'll just have to be out-snuck by two superior practitioners of the craft.
You're right.
We're sneakier than he is, any day.
But it doesn't mean he isn't out there.
You know, I think he's watching me.
He's getting very suspicious.
So's mine.
It'll do them both good.
They're never happy unless you're stuck in the house like the rest of the furniture.
Been there, done that.
Don't stop.
It could be an ambush.
BRAKES SQUEAL I said, "Don't stop!" Ah-h-h! CLUNK Do we do ironing boards? Need you ask? Well, I've never seen one.
We'll work something out.
They can have mine if they're prepared to compensate me for the sentimental value.
I'll get it.
Let me feel I'm contributing.
No, Morton.
I've not sunk so low that I have to rely on the charity of friends for my ironing board.
Don't overdo it.
You wash his socks.
Well, he wears nice socks.
I'm a quality dresser.
Used to be.
In my days of fullness and splendour.
Thrown you out, has she? On a technicality.
You spend one evening with a Mrs Eriksson.
All she eats is muesli.
And the wife refuses to believe I was merely dieting.
You left good home-cooking for muesli? I didn't leave.
I was pushed.
My wife could eat.
I used to cook every night.
Morton, you can cook? Nothing too fancy.
Why don't I give you a try? Toby, you can come next door and have a meal with us.
On Morton's night off? Sounds like a good idea.
Now, dear lady.
I want the simplest you've got, very cheap.
Setting up house, are we? Much against my will.
Always a welcome here for the divorced and useless male.
They're a gift to the struggling shopkeeper.
You understand I've no intention of doing the ironing.
But if word got round, it could seriously interfere with my sporting activities.
Don't be embarrassed.
You're in the right place.
I understand the problems of the womanless male.
Yes, well, all I want at the moment is a cheap ironing board.
I hear you.
So, you want to find out where the ladies go to on these afternoon mystery trips? Well, we can do that.
My team and I can do that.
We'll show you.
I think we volunteered again.
Why do we do that? How can we follow them without being seen? You ask that of The Shadow? Ha-ha-ha! We mustn't let Pearl see she's being followed.
She'll think I'm behind it.
You ARE behind it.
I think we ought to keep that our secret.
Secret.
Secrets are my business.
Stay calm! You're in professional hands.
What, this lot? They're not all that reliable.
Look who's talking.
Relax! They're under my supervision now.
They'll be working the Hobdyke Rules.
He's not just man who slides down windscreen.
This man once buried a leg in Siberia.
Please! I can't bear it.
She'll recognise you lot.
That doesn't matter as long as she doesn't recognise you.
Whose leg was it? Enough! Whose leg was it? You ask that of The Shadow? Ha-ha-ha! Stop it, you two, please.
This is very painful for me.
HE SNEEZES VIOLENTLY What? Pearl and Nelly? Oh, there's got to be a reasonable explanation.
People are talking.
They come in here.
I hear them.
Oh, yes, well, you do if you make sure your ears are close enough.
It's not all that easy.
But you manage.
Generally.
Sneaking out? Now, who said it was sneaking out? Maybe they're just going out.
But where? Nobody knows, and they're not saying.
I mean, what's all the mystery about? Has anybody asked? You can't just ask.
Oh, you learn how if you've been a pub landlady.
Anyway, Yorkshire folk are supposed to be blunt and up front.
That's why they finish up with only their whippets to talk to.
I don't feel this is really me.
You look like the Godfather.
You look terrific.
You look like Fairy Godfather.
Stop it.
They've gone in.
You're right.
Where's the ironing board? Did we get the ironing board? I've got every damn thing but the ironing board.
You have to pay attention.
I thought I was.
No, really pay attention.
I stood up to her if you noticed.
I didn't buy the aspidistra.
No, but you left a deposit.
You thought you were giving change for a note, didn't you, Morton? Gad, it's a harsh world out here without a loving wife to take the blows.
I agree.
I feel terrible.
Oh, don't go to pieces, Morton.
Yours wasn't a loving wife or she wouldn't have left you.
No, it's not that.
It's that sneaky deposit.
You might as well come in for a drink now I have something else to sit on.
What kind of place is it? It doesn't say.
Maybe place for wayward wives.
I bet that's it.
A kind of club.
It's where they go to meet new friends.
Probably learning tango.
Maybe gambling and drinking.
That kind of club.
I wish you'd stop depressing me.
Courage, Howard! Life deals these blows.
We have to pick ourselves up.
Have a peppermint.
I find it helps.
I left my love dead in Siberia but after a peppermint I found the strength to go on.
Have you got any buttered Brazils? Sorry.
Who do you think they're meeting in there? Boyfriends.
Real smoothies.
Hairy chest, big tattoos.
Brilliant dancers, foreign extraction.
Come here to steal our women.
I don't believe it.
You do believe it.
Look at you.
You've gone white.
Stop winding the man up.
It's probably all completely harmless.
RATTLE OF DOOR A bikers' club? Don't look now, Howard, but I think your wife's involved with Hell's Angels.
The woman who could be my mother is in there.
Mummy's a Hell's Angel! No wonder she left you on doorstep.
No room on bike.
ENGINES REV I'd like to know what's going on in there.
No, you wouldn't.
There's only one way to find out.
I'm not going in bikers' den.
I'm with him.
You don't know how many are in there.
Well, we'll catch those two and question them.
There's four of us.
Only two of them.
Follow that bike.
Excuse me! What happens when we catch up? We have to put them in fear.
Can we ask in fear of what? Of us.
They're young and fit.
And nasty.
Don't forget nasty.
They have your wife and the lady who could be my mother in their grimy den.
Are we really going to hesitate? I think that's a yes.
Never.
Say it.
Never.
Never.
Get some anger with it.
Work yourself into a rage.
Snarl it.
Growl it.
Never.
Never! You beast.
That's better.
That's my boy.
Now we have to get them to take the message back to their den that those two ladies are out of bounds.
You tell 'em, Howard.
No.
I'll tell them.
I'll give them a warning at first.
It's only fair.
But I shall make it quite clear that unless they end their relationship with those ladies, the Godfather here will be quite without mercy.
I've got to thrash two hairy bikers? One at a time.
Oh, well, then! One at a time.
Feel better now? No.
You've got to stop this before your wife becomes totally involved with these biker people.
Or is it too late? Has she got any tattoos? No.
Have you looked lately? Well, not lately.
ALL: Oooh.
I think it's only fair to warn you that this man is Tony "the Throat" Lambroso.
Tony the Throat.
"Why the throat?" you may be wondering.
Well, if he gets near yours, you'll find out.
I'm trying to hold him back.
He's got the scent of blood.
Back, Tony! Back! If he gets loose, he'll eat through your helmet and bite off your ear.
Back, Throat! Back.
Don't just charge them, Tony, give them your warning.
Give them your roar.
Your death roar.
Do it.
Do it.
This is their last chance before you strike.
Roar, Tony! Roar! HE ROARS WEAKLY Ow! Tony the Throat! What are you doing following us? It's called caring.
Don't say it.
We thought you had a fella.
I have, and look at him.
I've always wanted another motorbike.
Oh, don't tell Travis.
He won't talk.
Not Tony the Throat.
At least we've solved the mystery.
We now know where she goes of an afternoon.
It's very unnerving to find your wife's a biker.
How am I going to compete with just a pushbike? You ask that of The Shadow? Ha ha ha!