Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s30e07 Episode Script

Down the hill, first left, first right, over the bridge, first right.
Thank you.
Don't.
I like the dress.
You didn't get that round here.
It's just an old dress.
No.
Not on you.
On you that dress could never look old.
I'm not listening.
I tell people how well you dress.
Why should you be telling people anything about me? So you don't think we might be related then? No.
I can well see why your mother left you on a doorstep, but it wasn't me.
I still like the dress.
And I'm still not listening.
It needs a scarf.
I beg your pardon? For that neckline, which I like, by the way.
Oh, well, that is a relief, I'm sure.
Something light and weightless.
A gossamer thing.
A minty green would be nice, or if you wanted a bit of colour, peach or smoky orange.
Sounds better than green.
A minty green.
Think the underside of a willow leaf, that silvery sheen.
With this? Yes.
I must buy Mother a scarf.
Remind me.
I could, of course, knit her one, but I need something feather light.
You want looking at.
What are you doing in the river? Elementary security.
Always keep changing your route.
Still after you then? They have reason enough to want me removed.
They work Sundays? Don't get day off? There could be eyes watching from behind any of those curtains.
There always has been.
This is curtain country.
A spy behind every net.
Well, let them take a look at this.
This is Randolph.
Say hello to Randolph.
Hello, Randolph.
I advertised for him.
He's just arrived.
You advertised for a Randolph? No.
I advertised for a partner for a lonely widow, and Randolph replied.
How long have you been lonely widow? Not me, you fool, for Stella! She needs someone of a gentle nature.
Something she can mother.
She needs Randolph.
You're looking at the new man in Stella's life.
Whoops.
Monica! It's your wayward ex, ready to forgive and come back home.
DIALLING TONE FROM PHONE Monica? Monica! Don't let her see him yet.
He's not at his best.
I think that's a fair description.
How you like romance so far, Randolph? What have you got there? It's a surprise.
It sure will be.
Especially for Randolph.
Still doing Toby's washing, Morton? He says I'm better than the laundry.
He is.
I'm very proud of him.
You're looking trim this morning, Glenda.
Thank you, Toby.
I don't like the way he looks at you.
I admire him as a golfer, but I wonder if he's always playing with his own ball.
Toby looks at all women like that.
Why do you think his wife threw him out? I just think it's so unfair that he can behave like he does andstill make his long putts.
It's a human sacrifice.
We can't just throw him to a recent non-smoker.
She'll never resist him.
Look at him.
He's ideal.
He's like your own cute, little spaniel.
I could cuddle him myself.
Is that something else you learn in secret service? Does he speak? Of course he speaks.
Well, he hasn't said a word yet.
He's saving himself for when he has to dazzle Stella.
Are you sure he brought his dazzle? It looks to me as if he left it at home.
He's not the type for showing off.
She'll like that.
Anyway, I suggest you make some tea.
I need a cup.
I got a card this morning from that lady in the library.
What, Miss Davenport? She wants me to be her valentine.
Out of the question, of course.
I couldn't expect a woman to share my dangers.
The only danger you're in is from Miss Davenport.
Not only lady friend, but use of library.
I couldn't even consider it, my memory being what it is.
I mean, somewhere out there, there may already be a Mrs Hobdyke.
A little, fat woman, big moustache? Yeah, I think I've seen her.
She would be nothing like that at all.
Probably an ex-model.
With interests in homemaking and military weaponry.
We thought you did all needlework.
We probably both did needlework.
HE SNEEZES You sit here, Randolph, where you can get a good look at each other when she comes out onto her steps.
I'm giving you two sugars, Randolph.
You're going to need all the stamina you can get.
This is a big moment for me, bringing two lonely souls together.
I always intended to dedicate my life to bringing happiness to people.
Once I'd stopped being a killing machine.
Killing machine? He hasn't told you? What were his job? Milkman.
Still moves like old milk float.
Now, Randolph, we sit here and wait for your future to appear on those steps.
Which is your best side? Show us your profile.
Your best side.
Never mind.
You see, the thing is, we want you to hit her with maximum effect, Randolph.
We want you to hit her with the "here I am at last" look.
The one she's been waiting for.
Show us, Randolph.
Let's see the look.
You're hanging your future on this.
Pearl was hard enough to avoid when she was on foot.
How am I going to cope when she's on a motorbike? At least you'll hear her coming.
Well, that's a point.
She was deadly in slippers.
She could creep for England.
You'll have to go where motorbikes can't reach.
I've done that, and it's always damp.
So finally romance turns out to be damp.
Well, it doesn't surprise me.
I thought she'd be out by now.
I'm going to move this thing along.
On an operation in Borneo, we used to signal by imitating the mating call of the red-tailed hackawacka.
This'll bring her out.
HE CALLS, THEN COUGHS Sorry about that.
Frog in the throat.
Do frog.
Forget red-tailed hackawacka.
I'll get it right in a minute.
It's a tremendous noise.
Carried for miles.
HE CALLS FAINT BANG That was Stella's inner door.
She's on the move.
Ready with the look, Randolph? The half smile.
Hit her with the look.
What's he gawping at? Where's he come from? Are we getting coach parties now? It's time you lot were gone.
I need to sweep this area.
Our Nora wants it sweeping everyday.
You've got two minutes, and if you're still here when I get back, don't blame me if you get some brush.
Don't be put off by that little performance, Randolph.
Randolph? Has she gone? Peggy Wells.
Can't stand her.
Not for you, for Morton.
He's got enough pain in his life.
Which is why he needs a distraction.
She'll drive anyone to distraction.
He needs more in his life than Toby's laundry.
The poor man's desperately lonely.
He'll do anything for a bit of companionship.
So, as long as he gets his whites snowy white, he'll have Toby's company.
I'm going to get him together with Peggy Wells.
He's better off being exploited by Toby.
Why don't you like Peggy Wells? Because I'm not dumb.
If you thought I liked her, you'd be feeding me badly for a week.
Two weeks.
You can't go home now, Randolph.
You can't quit while you're ahead.
Ahead? She snarled at me.
She noticed you.
You stood out from the crowd.
You made an impact.
Not as much as she made on me.
Don't be misled by that hard act she puts on.
That's just to hide all the softness underneath.
Lonely widow, you said.
No wonder she's lonely.
They're little shows she puts on to hide all the cruelty underneath.
Buried three husbands.
Not all of them hers.
Pay no attention.
They all know she's a sweetie.
Pulls a fine pint, Randolph.
She'll improve your darts.
She's a classical example of female loneliness.
Emotions withered, dying on the vine.
She needs re-watering.
She needs some thrill in her life.
All she's got to look forward to is bingo.
And occasional funeral.
She needs a man.
She needs you, Randolph.
Listen, I forgot to mention, it's my hair day.
I ought to be home massaging me scalp.
She'll have your scalp in no time, Randolph.
No, she won't.
I'm taking t'shortest route home.
Now look what you've done.
You've lost me a Randolph.
You sent him a valentine? But it's not even Valentine's Day.
I know.
But then I thought, well, perhaps it is somewhere.
Outer Mongolia possibly.
What's the difference? It's a global village.
Lateral thinking.
I like it.
I'm told Mr Hobdyke admires me, but you'd never know it.
He's very shy.
Yes.
The nice ones always need a jump start.
I don't even know when I'll see him again.
He shows no sign of using his library privileges.
Can you feel it? Can you feel it? What? Romance! It's in the air.
You've made your mark already.
Can't stop talking about you.
"Nobody told me he was so attractive.
" Is that what she said? You've started something there, Randolph.
You can't walk away from it now.
She hated me.
Just being coy.
You know how girls are.
We could hear heart fluttering, That were mine.
She's frightening! You don't think she acts like that all the time? Oh, Randolph, are you in for a surprise.
Fixed you up with a blind date, have they? I think that's really thoughtful.
Yes, isn't it? Of course, she's going to look like a horse.
Why would she look like a horse? Well, they do, don't they? It's traditional.
It's like a car-boot sale, the fancy stuff's already gone.
I like to help people.
I feel that's what I'm for.
Happiness may be out of reach for a target like myself.
Target? What kind of target? Oh.
It's just the odd relentless hitman.
The flash of a knife, the sound of a bullet.
One gets used to it.
I thought he were a milkman.
He won Milkman Most Shot At 2008.
Also Highly Recommended for Surviving Lethal Devices.
Why is he a target? We think they're jealous of his needlework.
I can't believe he's got such deadly enemies.
Well, there's his mother for a start.
Randolph looking worried.
Randolph not having a good day.
I hope you're not depressing Randolph.
He's on the verge of wonderful things.
How does a milkman get into the secret service? Knitted M a cardigan.
No.
Although happiness may be destined to be a stranger to me, I can be the instrument for bringing it to others.
Stella's not happy.
She doesn't do happy.
She's old school.
Happy is for people who go to Disneyland.
Or come from Disneyland.
That's very cynical.
I'm ashamed of my team.
I must make you both a hand-painted motto to put over your beds.
Some uplifting theme on polished pine.
For over my bed, may I suggest, "Max capacity two people"? For me, I'd like, "Always wear seat belt.
" This won't do for my team.
I want to hear some optimism! I want us all to spread a little sunshine wherever we can.
So what happened to the motorbike, then? Enough's enough.
It's gone.
It served its purpose.
I got it out of my system.
You got it out of mine too.
It was freezing on that pillion.
It didn't seem to send you totally numb when I was young.
Mind you, neither did Travis.
There were parts of me turning blue that I hadn't seen for years.
You should have had more sense.
Mind you, that's what they said when I married Wilf.
Your Nora used to go on a motorbike.
In a sidecar, with Wally.
That's motorbiking.
What's the difference? About 40 miles an hour the way they did it.
Well, no, I don't think Wally was built for fast.
That was training.
They all have an itch for a bit more throttle.
It just seemed funny, starting at your age.
Oh, I wasn't starting.
I was picking up where I left off.
I had a bike when I was young.
I gave it up for marriage and public transport.
But did you give it up quick enough? I wonder about you since they started calling you mother.
You can't believe a word that one says.
He's started giving me fashion notes now.
I bet Howard's glad you're not out motorbiking.
I'm not telling him we finished.
I want him to worry every time he hears a motorbike.
What do you do, Randolph, that will impress Stella? I mean, what would you say was your biggest attraction? Seems to be silence.
We're going to need more than that.
Is there something about you, Randolph, that she would find irresistible? Looks like not brought it with him.
I can do farmyard impressions.
That's not going to do it.
You should come up here.
We could see an enemy coming for miles.
Pass.
No head for heights.
No head for lows.
You call this high? You should have seen where I once had to climb to find a sniping position.
And then he missed.
I heard that.
I could tell you more but it's still classified.
Would that be first classified or second classified? I can't help noticing there's a vein of cynicism in this team that I'm going to have to tackle.
Where are you going? We're going for a drink.
Vein of thirst in this team we're going to have to tackle.
Hang on, I'll join you.
Foot seems to be stuck.
Of course, I could stay up here for hours.
Something you pick up doing yoga.
Over here.
I'm calling a ten forty nine, which is code for "return to your leader.
" To me, team.
Team? To me.
Oh, Howard! Quick, hide! It's not as bad as all that.
That's what you think.
A girl has to think about her feet.
Don't say we're never going back on the road.
I just feel so tense on roads.
There are so many motorbikes.
They can't all be Pearl.
But anyone could be.
Anyway, let's look on the bright side.
We're all alone out here.
Apart from the attempted suicide.
He's only hanging by a foot.
I suppose you have to start somewhere.
He looks dead to me.
I think it's It is.
I believe once he's the right way up this is Miss Davenport's admirer.
You must understand my position.
It's upside down.
What's to understand? Regarding Miss Davenport.
I live on the edge.
I'm too dangerous for ladies.
Oh, get him down! We mustn't waste the dangerous.
How can I get him down? You'll have to climb up and release his foot while I hold him.
Should you be holding people upside down? I could keep him warm for Miss Davenport.
Help is at hand.
We'll see to him.
Oh, good heavens, I'm surrounded by men.
That'll be my team, in the nick of time.
Twitch works upside down.
I'm not surprised.
I was under considerable stress.
You can take him out.
He's had enough.
I resent that.
It's all right.
He's been upside down.
What was he doing upside down? Don't ask.
Can do it for hours.
He looks ratted.
It's just an impression he gives.
Is this crafty or what? Feels a lot like sitting in a field.
We're hidden from the road.
They can't see the car.
They'll go tearing by and we'll have them.
Well, if they go tearing by and we have to run for the car to get out of here, how are we going to catch them? This thing's still in the rough planning stage.
I'm working on it.
SPUTTERING ENGINE Quick! Same again? And then I really must go and feed the parrot.
You believe he has a parrot? I think just invented parrot.
Must be copy.
We invented parrots.
He needs more than farmyard impressions.
What kind of man is Stella's type? I mean, what would her ideal man be? A heavy smoker.
Must have interest in not living.
She must have had some kind of male icon in her day.
Well, when she was young she loved Tyrone Power in The Mark Of Zorro.
You see what happens when we're on the road? You threw me at two policemen.
I didn't know they were there.
I must say they break your fall quite nicely.
She's just your average, everyday female.
There's no need to be nervous.
Who's nervous? You are.
You can't stand still.
How do I look? You look good.
TOOTING Was that a car? Yes.
They're here now.
Morton? Ah-ha! I told you she'd look like a horse.
I haven't even seen her.
You chickened out, and now you're seeking shelter.
Well, that's what friends are for.
Come in and soothe yourself with some housekeeping.
What kind of a dozy duck egg are you? Don't go away.
I also do farmyard impressions.
And who's this coming round the corner of the barn? Why, it's Farmer Giles's faithful dog Bess.
Yip, yip, yip.
Yip, yip, yip.
Oh, dear, its bark has roused the rooster.
A-doodle-doo! To see what all the noise is about, here comes Milly the cow.
Moo.
Moo.