Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s30e08 Episode Script

Morning.
Morning.
BLEEPING So, Morton Beamish, alias Herman Teasdale, you're Russian.
I'm not Russian.
You can't fool my Russian detector.
BLEEPING What's that awful noise? BLEEPING I suppose he's Russian as well? All right, all right.
It just needs a fine tune.
BLEEPING BLEEPING AERIAL WHIPS AGAINST HIM Ow! I opened some jam this morning, and it had fur on it.
I had an old pair of boots that did that.
Yes, but jam was supposed to last longer.
You'll have to eat it quicker.
Fast food is becoming compulsory? Reminds me of a certain valley in Albania.
I'm getting flashbacks of escaping their security forces clad only in a vest.
No wonder they called it the Cold War.
It left me this weakness in the kidneys.
I blame the draught from the Adriatic.
Safer in cellar than attic.
D'you know this idiot? I thought he was with YOU.
All right Ye Yes Yes, I hear what you're saying, Monica.
You've made it quiet clear you're still not ready to take me back.
Back to our own cosy little refuge, safe from the world.
Just you and I against the universe.
What a team we were! Yes, I hear what you're saying.
I understand why you feel you hate me.
My question is can you find room in all that bitterness to do me a bit of laundry? Just a few shirts? DIAL TONE "To Mother from Guess Who.
" He never gives up.
I've never had the time before for thinking about life.
I do it all the time.
Yes, they said you were weird.
It's just another one other of the tedious avenues which open up for the divorced male.
I like 'em to think I'm weird.
It conceals the powerful mind at work beneath.
Conceals it well, I'm told.
At it all the time, you say? At what? Thinking about life.
Oh, yes.
We're old adversaries, life and I.
Reached any conclusions, have you? Never skimp on good underwear.
I'm a great believer in at least one layer of wool over the kidneys.
Yes, well, not a lot in that to lift the spirits of the divorced male.
Have you tried needlework? No, I'm a golfer! Even that doesn't feel the same as it used to.
You miss her.
I miss the house and one's previous standard of living.
Then you should go back to her.
She won't let me in.
Persevere.
Stick at it.
It brought me safely out of Albania.
Do you miss the pub trade? Well, I expected I would.
I thought, "How am I going to adjust to life without all these dozy men?" But with you lot, it's been a doddle.
I'm still surrounded by dozy men.
It's the only way to travel.
So you ran the pub on your own when your Wilf died? Listen, I ran it on my own while the idle beggar was alive.
I can't think why I miss him.
It's called love.
He got called a lot worse than that! We had terrible rows.
Didn't that upset the customers? I use to row with them as well.
There's a limit to how patient you can be with boozy men.
You don't seem to have a lot for sober men.
Well, I shall be a lot better when I stop stopping smoking.
Hobdyke thinks I should persevere.
What at? At worming my way back into the affections of my ex.
I mean, I love her in my way.
It's not as if I'd be faking it.
I thought you said Hobdyke was weird.
Did I? I must have heard it somewhere.
He's not without a certain commonplace shrewdness.
From the mouths of fools there sometimes comes wisdom.
What do you wear over your kidneys? Oh, sit down.
Stop being such a Priscilla.
It's damp.
It's not damp.
It's just grass being grass.
If you weren't wearing that coat, I could sit on that.
You're not having the coat.
Anyway, who sits on grass? Cows sit on grass.
And then what? Somebody comes along and milks them.
You're right.
Not good comparison.
LAUGHTER We were always trained to never take unnecessary risks.
Who did the training, your mother? She won't even speak to me.
Hasn't said much to your father for 50 years.
I wonder where he went.
I'll bet it wasn't to Albania in just a vest.
You think I lie, don't you? Think you don't lie on grass.
These things I remember could be true.
They don't come from nowhere.
Close.
I knew too much.
They had to make me forget.
Scramble my memories.
They daren't let me retire with all my secrets intact.
The Secret Vest of Albania.
It was actually.
It was equipped with numerous useful devices.
Many of which are still classified.
These leaves are damp.
You're going back to her?! I've decided I'm big enough to forgive her.
I've had enough of this unmarried existence.
I expect we'll get used to it.
I don't intend to get used to it.
I'm going back to the little woman.
She threw you out.
She was angry.
I'll start courting her again.
I'm not without charm for the ladies.
Which is why she threw you out.
If you see Mother, give her my fondest.
Nelly says she's not your mother.
Well, give her my fondest, anyway, just in case.
She thinks you're a lunatic.
Just one of my many disguises.
You're not looking exactly chipper today.
I'm depressed.
It's probably indigestion.
Hastily snatched meals.
In the service we were martyrs to it.
They never sent us out without our antacid pill.
The trick was to keep it in a different pocket to your suicide pill.
It's not indigestion.
It's psychological.
Now you're talking where I can help.
I wonder if she cares any more.
And how about YOU? Have you romanced her lately? I wouldn't say lately.
There you have it.
It's not easy.
If I'm nice to her, she thinks I'm up to something.
I'll stand by you.
We'll see it through together.
I know how you feel.
My mother won't speak to ME.
I tell a lie.
Only yesterday she said, "Go away.
" We must stick together, Howard, together.
Aah! Toby's going back to his wife.
Have they made it up? Not yet.
But he's working on it.
He's going to start courting her again.
He told YOU this? Yes, he confides in me these days.
Imagine, I, Barry, confidante of the Captain.
He probably tells everybody.
I don't think so.
As a measure of how close we are, he asked me what I thought he should wear over his kidneys.
Why did he want to know that? I have no idea.
I'm just grateful to be the one he turns to for advice on his kidneys.
What answer did you give him? I said I'd ask around.
What do YOU think he should wear over his kidneys? If he thinks he's going to march straight back into his marriage, protective clothing.
She'll probably kill him.
It's worth a try.
I wouldn't have him back if he came on his knees.
I've seen Toby on his knees.
People think he's got no serious side but you should see him when he's got a difficult putt.
He's awful with women.
Looking good, though.
Morton's pressed his shirt, suit and tie.
We have to do something about poor Morton.
He needs a woman in his life.
He needs rescuing.
Toby's using him for just about everything but covering his kidneys.
Morton's not good with women.
He's too shy.
So were you once, I remember.
That wasn't shy.
I was terrified of your mother.
I've been telling Howard to count his blessings.
He's got a good Yorkshire wife.
Nasty and efficient.
They're ideal for keeping a well-run home.
He's basically a romantic.
He wants more.
Yes, I've heard about that.
He says they study wildlife together.
It's the longest course of study in history.
He wants a little colour in his life.
I was raised on black and white.
Howard believes his main problem is that Pearl thinks he's a muffin.
Well, you can see her point.
That shouldn't come as much of a surprise.
She's always thought he was a muffin.
But HER muffin.
I'll have to take him in hand.
I've cured worse.
I had to retrain a security guard who used to mangle his letters.
Instead of saying, "Halt, who goes there?" he used to say, "Walter oogle air sog.
" A man should have respect in his own house.
The Godfather.
Part nine and a half.
She feeds and clothes you.
She warms your pyjamas.
I'm not saying she neglects me.
I'm saying she treats me too casually.
She takes me for granted.
I took you for better or worse.
And guess which I got? What's brought all this on, anyway? You never used to go out.
Now you're ALWAYS out.
You never think to ask me if it's all right.
Can you hear this? Houdini complaining because I escape now and again.
They hate any streak of independence.
Travis thinks the world is full of dangers for the older woman.
He thinks gigolos are lined up waiting for us in Marks & Spencer's.
You were never in Albania.
I had the Albanian desk.
Second-hand was it? Dry sense of humour, these people from Hull.
So, tell us about Albania.
It's not a country you can really appreciate while wearing only a vest.
The tribesmen are keen-sighted.
There were times I had to go on all fours with a flock of sheep.
Until one of the rams became troublesome.
If we're going to compete for tall stories, let me say it's days like this makes me wish I'd never said goodbye to Rita Hayworth.
You too? Unlikely.
So's Albania.
Man with flowers.
Must be trouble.
Flowers, Toby? Hospital or funeral? Could be either.
This is the first move in my campaign to win back the little woman.
To say nothing of the house, the car, my drinks cabinet and all the finer elements of furniture.
She took me for every stick, the little .
.
sweetheart.
Price of freedom.
Can't afford it.
Won't afford it.
I'm going back to wedded bliss.
Oh, I like a happy ending.
Can we give you a lift? Yes.
I'm not a natural pedestrian.
You're not a natural husband.
I'll fake it.
Very impressive.
Yes, isn't it? Must miss it.
It's like an ache inside.
Double garage.
Yes, that aches, too.
My Jaguar's nestling inside it.
I'm getting shadowy images that point to me once having to terminate a mafia don in a place like this.
Yes, well, thanks for the offer but I'm hoping to handle things less dramatically.
At this stage, anyway.
Question is, does she still love you? She pretends she hates me but, of course, she loves me.
I'm her man.
Trust me.
I'm loveable.
He's got a string of women to prove it.
That's all in the past.
I'm a changed man.
I love this place.
It's snug and warm.
You're in the wrong mood here.
You're feeling sorry for yourself.
I am.
Good job I'm inscrutable, else might cry.
Breaks your heart.
It won't do.
Won't do at all.
You want to win the woman back, I want to see a powerhouse personality.
I can do that.
I do that all the time.
Then go.
Recapture your woman.
I will.
That's what we're here for, right? How do I look? Desperate.
Wrong answer.
Dishy? Better.
Reminds me of movie star.
He has opinions you have to respect.
Now, make it plain.
You're determined to reform.
That goes without saying.
No other women.
I wouldn't say that, either.
Only kidding.
Reformed.
I hereby renounce all previous interest in the smell of perfume, shapely figures soft, silky hair Oh! Good man! Keep it up.
We'll help you.
Did I tell you she can be nasty? Go! Go! Morton! Come and meet a friend.
Whose friend? Could turn out to be yours.
A friend for me? Where? In the house, now.
Come on.
I can't come like this.
Just take your apron off.
Is it male? No.
Is it female? Shrewd guess.
Oh, no, I ought to finish this door before Toby gets home.
I've got a casserole needs my attention.
You're telling porkies, Morton.
I just wish your female hadn't been female.
I'm not very good with females.
Nobody's good with females.
It's like trying to fly.
You just have to close your eyes and jump.
I don't hear it.
What? The cooing of lovebirds.
If he stays calm and follows my advice, he should do well.
Aah! It's the ingratitude that hurts.
I taught that woman everything she knows about decanting a decent claret.
So what did you do wrong in there? Wrong? What did I do wrong? I went in there softly-softly.
I showed the patience of a saint.
I even let that minx ramble on about my shortcomings.
We wondered why it took so long.
What was her body language? We were trained to use that as the best indicator.
What was her body language?! It was foul.
For a moment, she looked at me like she hated me.
Can you believe that?! Me! Who once spent £4 buying her a Valentine's card.
Who had she caught you with THAT time? I can't remember, but it wasn't worth £4.
Life unfair.
Being bad almost as tricky as being good.
Did you tell her you were going to reform? Everything.
When did she start throwing things at you? I thought we were having a genuine moment I thought we'd reconnected.
Maybe I was overly sentimental, but I just had to tell her that I forgave her.
I opened my arms wide to receive her, and she hit me such a wallop in the well-beloved, it made my eyes water.
So you'll be finished with these, then? Tell Peggy what your interests are, Morton.
Suicide.
Oh, come on! Survival.
From what? All the tricks that life throws at you.
Illness, old age, global warming.
Then there's the biggy, of course.
Death.
What about that, then? He's not at all like this normally, Peggy.
Always ready for a laugh.
Death! Talk about sneaky.
We weren't talking about sneaky.
Or about death.
Death is Mr Big if you want sneaky.
We don't.
There was this Mr Ollerenshaw.
He thought all he had was a bad leg.
I think Glenda meant, tell Peggy what your leisure interests are.
Never came out again, did he? Mr Ollerenshaw.
Barry tells me you're very interested in amateur archaeology, Morton.
No.
What is it? I can't stop, I've got to pack.
Going somewhere? New Zealand.
They're looking for fresh blood.
Been planning this long, have you? Since before lunch.
As long as that? You do know they've got man-eating mice? Still, I expect somebody's warned you.
Man-eating mice? The big ones can reach 20ft.
There's no mention in the literature.
They're not going to broadcast it, are they? But have no fear, there's absolutely no reason for you to leave home.
I'm not staying where I'm not appreciated.
I think you'll find you are appreciated.
It's very nice of you to buy me flowers but I'm not ready for any new relationships.
They're for Pearl, you crackpot! Oh! For Pearl.
How long since you've bought her any? They're always so expensive.
How much are these? Free! Gratis, a gift.
Oh, well, then.
Thank you very much.
They're a bit bedraggled.
Well, tell her you dropped them.
She won't care.
She'll be too pleased at the thought.
You think so? Trust me.
This is your first step back to being Mr Wonderful.
Toby's flowers? Found a good home for them.
When Pearl gets back, I think she'll be pleased.
She'll think he's up to something.
Not with a bunch of flowers.
He's never bought her one before.
She'll be over the moon.
It was nice of you to bring me flowers.
Especially when the card says, "To Monica.
" You forgot the card.
Whoops! Why am I the one who always has to think of everything? Women are difficult.
Wives are worse.
Wives are more than women.
Wives are own species.
I don't understand women.
There's nothing to it.
You just work on the premise that they can see right through you.
But are we downhearted? ALL: Yes.
I won't accept that.
Hands up all in favour of downhearted.
Enough.
I have a plan.
Pay attention.
I know why your attempt to create a romantic atmosphere went wrong.
I know why mine went wrong.
Because you forgot to remove the card.
What happens in every movie you've ever seen? Romance equals music.
They're sentimental creatures.
They need the romantic touch.
They need music.
I'll play the tape.
All we have to do is mime.
HE MIMES TO VOICE ON TAPE # Be my love # For no-one else can end this yearning # This need that you # And you alone create # Just fill my arms the way you # You see, she even got the gun! Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Wait a second.
I'm a Hobdyke, late of Her Majesty's Secret Primrose Dairies.
I don't run away from guns.
I come in peace, to speak for Toby.
He sends his love.
What is your reply?