Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s30e10 Episode Script

Offered to show me Old Heptonstall's leg I thought we'd done that.
Not since it changed colour.
I'd rather remember him as basically colourless.
You think that's a compliment? Colourless is your favourite colour! You know where you are with colourless.
Try it on now.
Make sure you're comfy in it.
Comfy? As in, relax? I'm never going to be comfy in it.
Oh, I see.
We're going in that kind of mood, are we? It's over the top.
I'm going to look a right tulip.
No more than the others.
So I'll be one of a bunch of tulips, something else to look forward to(!) Barry, we are going.
She's my friend and we're going, and you're going to look your best.
Were you ever married? I forget.
How can you forget being married? They blanked my memory for security purposes.
There could be a Mrs Hobdyke out there somewhere.
Or even several, if I've been forgetting them.
More than one? Everything's possible when your memory's gone.
I have to live with these little mysteries.
You should live with the mystery I have to live with.
How is Pearl this morning? Same as usual.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Old Heptonstall's looking for volunteers.
Say no more.
How's his leg? Better than his temper.
You can come along, if you like.
Have you seen his leg? She'll never believe it's HIS leg I've gone off with.
Happy birthday.
But don't say, "You shouldn't have.
" Oh, thank you, but you shouldn't have.
I knew it.
They always say it.
I say it myself.
I wonder how well it would go down if we took the advice and stopped doing it.
We'd hate you for it.
That's what I thought.
Look, I know I'm a bit early, but I just wanted to see if he'd remembered this year.
You must be joking.
I told you he wouldn't.
I can't remember the last time he did remember.
Travis never forgets.
I thought that was elephants.
And Travis.
Birthdays, anniversaries.
Never misses.
Drives you mad.
As if we want our birthdays remembering at our age.
Well, I wouldn't mind mine remembering just for once.
There's still time.
He might catch on before the day's out.
Don't you be giving him any hints.
I want a genuine remember, or nothing.
What are you doing, sleeping in the shed? The only place I can sleep.
She snores.
You don't find these things out till you're married.
I think they've got that pretty well covered these days.
Anyway, I like my shed.
Spend most of my time in here, especially now.
She doesn't like me in the house, in case I start bleeding.
You're in good hands.
We can handle a little bleeding.
As long as it's somebody else's.
Some of us have bled for England.
Every time we watch penalty shootout.
If he's going to start bleeding, I'm going.
You can't go! You haven't heard what I want yet.
You only have to ask.
My team here are trained and experienced.
I've heard they're as daft as you are.
Ah, yes, but mine's a memory thing, theirs is a natural aptitude.
Flatterer(!) But what's a bloke to do? You're the only volunteers I've got.
You won't be sorry.
I'm sorry already.
I hate volunteering.
What's to hate? It's simple enough.
I want you to bury Christine for me.
Because she snores? Shows spirit.
Couldn't you try something a little less drastic first? Maybe make her sleep in the shed.
Christine's not my missus.
You've got a lady friend you want burying? Christine is a ferret.
WAS a ferret.
My ferret.
I'm going to miss that ferret! No problem.
We can bury a ferret.
Easier than burying wife.
It's not enough you have an accident, your ferret has to go and die on you.
What did ferret die of? I think it was worry.
On account of me accident.
I think she wanted to make sure she went first.
Heppy, that's really touching, and possibly the daftest thing I have ever heard.
They're going to be long days now.
Are you sure you don't want us to bury you with her? I want her burying nicely, with respect.
I don't want any fooling about.
As if we would.
At a ferret's funeral.
Have no fear.
We can do this thing in style.
I think you'll find that I have respect for a man's ferret.
I still miss my little mouse.
I know how you feel.
I know how I feel about a dead ferret, and it's not all that thrilled.
She was lovely.
Almost human.
Are you sure that's such a recommendation? He won't remember.
They never do.
Well, hers remembers.
He remembers every occasion.
Well, yes, Travis is the exception to the rule, but then, he's weird.
I wouldn't say weird.
No, I don't think I'd say weird.
Oh, go on then.
Weird.
The normal ones never remember.
Are you saying ours are normal? Well, as far as not remembering, they are.
I wouldn't say mine was normal.
I mean, his normal is worse than Travis's weird.
For Travis, being weird is normal.
You may as well call it a draw.
What do you want to remember your birthday for anyway? I don't.
I just want him to remember it for once.
I've been threatening since last year that he'd better sharpen up.
And I've been waiting all year to see if it's sunk in.
When you say you want her burying nicely, have you picked a spot in the garden? Ethel won't have her in the garden! Not only snores, but anti-ferret.
In some countries, that's grounds for divorce.
I should think so.
Women are a total blank when it comes to a passion for ferrets.
So if not's to be the garden This is going to get complicated.
I can feel it.
Not with the right kind of planning and supervision.
I'll see the dearly departed gets sent off in style.
Leave it with me.
I'm not leaving it with anybody.
It's all planned.
I know just where I want her.
She deserves the best.
She's been as close as anything I've ever known to the perfect companion.
How does Mrs Heptonstall feel about that? They don't understand.
It's a man thing.
I know how he feels.
I feel the same about my hen.
You've got a hen? Yes.
One minute, they're here, and the next! Oh, don't set him off again.
You have to think of them being in a better place.
And talking about place, where exactly is this ferret? She's in the fridge.
Oh, a really better place.
She's going to a better place.
I want her laid to rest in the churchyard.
You know things are on a slide when they start forgetting your birthday.
I don't think my men ever lasted long enough to qualify.
He forgot my birthday last week and it's hers this week.
If he remembers hers and not mine, there'll be a row.
They can be devious.
How will you know? I'll ask him.
Straight out.
Up front.
Oh, being totally honest! How original! But what if he lies? I always know if he's telling porkies.
What a useful gift! Not really.
You get to my age, you have to put up with being lied to, anyway.
The churchyard can be a bit testing, but we can do this.
You've come to the right people, Heppy, we're always up for a challenge.
When he says "we," of course, he means him.
We think he's partially insane.
They're only joking.
They'll be fine.
We have the experience.
It's true.
One bad experience after another.
Humour.
They're only joking.
You're not filling me with confidence.
And another thing, I can't help wondering, how long has your ferret been in the fridge? Ten days but she's fine.
She's in the freezer compartment.
What does Mrs Heptonstall think about that? Give over, man! She doesn't know.
I had to sneak Christine in, in disguise.
Christine? The deceased.
What kind of burial is this going to be if you can't even remember her name? It's all right.
I once had to remember the entire Soviet battle plan for Western Europe.
Entirely in the head, except for a few notes on the inside of my elastic stocking.
What have you disguised your ferret as? A carton of potato waffles.
She's inside.
But you'll have to find her a nicer container.
I'm not having her buried as a potato waffle.
It's cold.
It's still frozen.
Put it down on table.
Not on my table.
I'm not having dead ferrets on my table.
You call this cold? I've had to handle the dead in Siberia.
As you do.
Look, if we need a new container, shouldn't we take a look at her? We ought to know what size she is.
She's size dead, that's close enough for me.
We're going to have to look at her, to see what we need for a new container.
I can wait.
Well, I'm going to have a look.
We ought to know which end up she is.
It's only decent.
How does she look? Like a potato waffle.
Wow! When Heppy says disguised, he really means disguised.
It is a potato waffle, you dimwit.
You've sneaked the wrong carton! I had to do it quick before his missus came back.
I like it.
I don't mind a dead potato waffle.
I don't know why Pearl expects him to remember her birthday.
They never remember birthdays.
Except their own.
They remember their own.
They have a gift for being good to themselves.
Ah.
Perhaps we shouldn't complain about them.
Why not? You've got me there.
Did yours ever remember your birthday? We were in the pub trade.
By the time he got upstairs, he couldn't remember which way up he was.
Oh, I couldn't sleep with anybody drunk.
No, me neither.
I was in the next bedroom.
What did he make of that? He never noticed.
He used to sleep like the dead, and I used to complain about his snoring, so he'd think I must have been there.
That's a bit crafty, Stella.
Well, in the pub trade, love, it's known as management.
Was he always a big drinker? No.
The week before he died, he started cutting down considerably.
Oh, nice to know he went in a positive frame of mind.
I never thought I'd miss him.
It sneaks up on you.
You argue for 40 years, and somehow, they've become indispensable.
Who was it? There's nobody there.
There must be somebody.
Well, there's nobody here.
You, er you don't think? What? (We were just talking about him!) He used to do that.
He was always doing that.
He'd half come in and then he'd remember something and he'd go back out again.
I don't think it was your old man.
You see some very funny things in the pub trade.
Oh, give over, Stella! You're on unlicensed premises now.
There's no funny stuff allowed in here.
Got it this time.
How does she look? Like a dead ferret.
Sounds reasonable.
You live there.
You're not going to tell me, are you? Tell you what? What you've bought her.
Bought who? Pearl.
Why should I buy anything for? That's right.
Her birthday.
I thought we'd never get to the top of this hill.
I could swear you begin to feel your age, even in your early forties.
Well, at least you forgot both our birthdays, so I suppose I can forgive you.
I'm in a forgiving mood.
Maybe this could turn out to be a birthday, after all.
Howard? Howard? I've emptied the chocolates in the fridge, and the good news is, Christine fits quite snugly.
She looks really peaceful.
Although I'm still not happy with her on my table.
Oh, stop fussing.
There.
Big improvement on potato waffles.
She's gone upmarket.
Heppy wanted her to go in style.
Buried in ribbon, nice touch.
The thing that worries me about this burial is, will we get the money out of Heppy for this box of chocolates? Big spender.
Can we get practical here? What are we going to dig the hole with? Come on, we'll find something in the shed.
Hobbo, what can I get for Pearl's birthday, like now? Hobbo! Hobbo! Ooh! Who's a lucky boy, then? All right, come on.
Who's been messing about? There's a note.
From a dead ferret? Here.
Howard's borrowed the chocolates for Pearl's birthday.
He says he'll replace them as soon as he can get to the shops.
Ooh! Happy birthday, Pearl! Good day, ladies! I trust you've enjoyed some happy shopping? Which is more than you do.
You never do any shopping for anyone.
Or any occasion.
I leave it to the experts.
Let me take your coats, and hang them up for you.
Thank you.
What's up with him? I don't know, and I don't like it.
There's something brewing.
Well, how are you planning to find out? I'll ask him.
Now, that is ingenious.
Well, I always know when he's lying.
How do you manage that? I just assume he's always lying.
Tea, anyone? Kettle's boiling.
I know how it feels.
You're in a good mood.
Why not? The sun's shining.
It's not shining.
It looks like rain.
Not to me.
To me, it looks like it's going to be a nice day.
When has he ever been this cheerful? Once, when I had to go and stay with my mother for a week.
He nearly broke his face trying to look sad about it.
Maybe he's won something.
Travis once went nearly potty when he won a free kitchen.
It cost us an arm and a leg.
Wipe that smirk off your face.
You weren't built for looking relaxed.
Close your eyes.
I beg your pardon! Those little built-in binoculars you've got, with radar and full night vision.
Watch it! Just close them a minute.
What for? Oh, go on, humour him.
You'll only be obeying him once.
It won't be habit-forming.
Would you close your eyes for Travis? Sometimes, when I look at Travis, they close automatically.
Can I have your attention, please? What have you got behind your back? Usually, it's you, but on this occasion Oh! Thought I'd forgotten, didn't you? Ooh Oh,, I'd Oh Oh, look.
How do you get a birthday present back? I'll think of something.
The experienced leader knows when to delegate.
Entwistle, think of something.
I think I'll go home.
Oh, no, you don't! We're in this together.
There's a dead ferret in there, and we promised it a decent burial.
You promised.
I was speaking for all of us.
Maybe Pearl won't open box straightaway.
PIERCING SCREAM See how neatness counts.
The things you can do with trained needlework fingers.
You can't tell it's been opened.
Right! Over the wall.
Give me a hand.
Well, lift your leg higher.
It's fastened at the other end.
Entwistle, lift his leg.
Sorry, I'm lifting shovel.
You saw that? Yeah.
Three.
With a shovel.
I noticed that.
You're telling me I didn't just imagine it? You didn't just imagine it.
There's probably a perfectly innocent explanation.
For a shovel? You're right.
And then, there's that fancy box.
All done up with a fancy ribbon.
Yeah.
You know what we're looking at, don't you? Voodoo.
Church, shovel, fancy ribbon.
There'll be a chicken in that box.
Animal sacrifice? In daylight? In Yorkshire? You get McDonald's, Starbucks, next thing you know is But would they be doing it in daylight? But it's not daylight where that stuff comes from, is it? They've probably got their watches set to voodoo time.
It's probably midnight over there right now.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Lift your chin.
Both of them.
You don't look like a muffin.
You look very distinguished.
I hate the hat.
I want a picture of you in the hat.
If it's amusement you're after, I'll do you a song and dance.
Put the hat on.
Or else, what? It's going to eat into your quality time.
Oh, it suits you.
Oh, don't say that.
You don't want to be known as somebody who looks good in a daft hat.
Relax.
It's unlikely there'll be anyone here who knows you.
They only know me.
Psst! 'Ay up, Barry.
Alvin! It's one of those nobodys who doesn't know me.
Looking good, Barry.
I like the outfit, Glenda.
Like the outfit, Barry.
What's the shovel for? It's a little service for a friend.
Love the hat, Glenda.
Thank you.
It's always been a regret of mine that men don't get to wear really attractive hats.
You mean you had to kill people wearing a boring old trilby? Like the hat, Barry.
Give over! Yes, well, must be off.
Things to do.
Enjoy the wedding.
We'll lose them if they mingle with the wedding crowd.
They'll be carrying that fancy chocolate box.
Hold this a minute, will you, Barry? Over there, please.
Glenda! Glad you made it, love.
Glad you did.
Oh, finally.
So this is your Barry.
He's lovely! And you've told him my guilty secret! How sweet of you both.
I'm going to need to snack before the reception.
PIERCING SCREAMS We think it's voodoo.
Voodoo? You haven't touched it, have you? It touched us.
Oh! You know what this means? You've been chosen.
Good job I came along.
I might be the only man in Yorkshire who knows how to lift the curse from this thing.
Trust me.
I served undercover in Haiti.
In a nightie? Haiti.
Papa Doc! Next to Santa Domingo.
In a nightie! Good, good.
Now, face east, bow and turn round three times.
Yes, not only a proper cemetery, she had full military honours.
And a police escort.
That's nice, lads.
I'm really touched.
When were you in Haiti? I forget.
So maybe wasn't Haiti.
Maybe it WAS a nightie.
If I've ever worn a nightie, it would have been in the interests of national security.
Doesn't sound all that secure to me.
I'm grounded.
You remembered her birthday.
I know! It's so unfair!