Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s31e01 Episode Script

I don't know why you're still wearing collar studs.
You mean, there are people who don't? They went out in the 1930s.
Even I used to go out in the 1930s.
Nowhere exciting, I bet.
Excitement wasn't compulsory then.
Oooh, morning Alvin.
I shall never get used to it.
Being called Alvin? Ah well, I expect it will take a while.
No, I shall never get used to this door being opened by somebody who doesn't start by being nasty to me.
I can do nasty if you'd rather.
No.
You learn that early you know in the pub trade.
Speaking of early - how early would I have to be to catch you without your make-up? Early.
And it's not an experience you'd want to repeat.
I've seen you without your make-up.
When? You were still at the pub.
It was late one night.
We were drinking with your Wilf.
You had to get out of bed to throw us out.
I was impressed.
I told you I could do nasty.
You're not kidding.
You threw your Wilf out as well.
So why the knock on the door? What did you want? Just checking.
Wanted to see if you'd have your make-up on.
It's nice to have a bit of colour next door.
Oooh, Mr Hobdyke how may we oblige? What have you got on untraceable poisons? Oh, I'm afraid we don't go much further than a cookery section.
Was that a twitch or are you winking at me, you wicked person? It's a twitch.
You see.
That's the twitch.
And this is my wink.
Oh, I like your wink.
It's not a civilian wink.
No I keep it purely for operational purposes.
What a pity! It looks to me like a very promising wink.
I often have to wrestle with it.
Show the body who's boss.
I learned this in Tibet.
I tell a lie it was Macclesfield.
There's an old devotee of Buddha there.
Incredible what he can do with a few joss sticks.
Perhaps I might be of help.
You weren't much help with the poison.
Do you have a need for poison? It's purely defensive.
You need to be forewarned.
You need to know what they'll come after you with.
They? There's an outside chance it could be the North Koreans.
But mostly it's Putin's people.
They've never forgiven me for stealing one of their submarines.
Submarine? We needed to know the exact dimensions of a certain valve in a thermo coupling.
And I couldn't remember if it was the green one or the red, so I had to take the whole submarine.
How long's he going to be in there? He's taking a risk going in there at all.
Miss Davenport thinks he's "available".
But he loves only Olga the Beautiful Spy.
Miss Davenport doesn't know that.
He tells everybody else.
I bet Olga was ugly.
I bet she looked like one of their hammer throwers.
You don't like lady hammer thrower? My wife looks like hammer thrower.
I'm sorry to hear that.
How do you think I feel? Whoa! Where's the fire, Morton? I'm getting this repaired for Toby.
I think it's very generous the way Toby lets you do all his boring jobs.
No, I think it's nice to be needed.
You were a much nicer person than that when you were somebody else.
I wasn't somebody else.
You used to be Hermann Teasdale.
That's still me.
I changed my name that's all.
Who did your wife leave you or Hermann Teasdale? She left Hermann Teasdale.
I wasn't Morton Beamish then.
No wife would leave Morton Beamish.
You should remarry.
I'll never get married again.
I don't trust women any more.
OK.
Morton Beamish doesn't trust women.
Why don't you remarry as Hermann Teasdale? He trusted women.
And look what happened to him.
His wife left him.
I'm not having any woman leave me.
But that was you.
Not this me.
I told you.
You're somebody else.
Thank you for the attempt, Miss Davenport.
But I didn't think kissing would stop the twitch.
Worth a try, Mr Hobdyke.
It's a very old remedy.
HE CHUCKLES It's an old remedy.
Can't argue with that.
What's Morton doing vacuuming out here? It's Toby's.
I'm getting it repaired.
Isn't he back with his wife yet? I thought he was aiming to get back.
Doesn't he miss her? I've watched him pining sometimes, when his defences are down.
I've seen a tear.
Don't.
I know you think I'm just a hunter-killer but inside, sometimes it's Mary Baker Cake Mix.
Of course Toby's tear was for his Jaguar.
But I think he'd like to get back with his wife, as well.
Then you must help him, Morton.
He does everything but clean Toby's teeth.
Then we must all help him.
A fellow human being in distress A spirit in torment.
What do you say to that? I'm busy.
Doing what? Tell him what we're doing.
It's classified.
Sorry, can't talk about it.
Enough! Listen, team, here's the plan.
Morton, first move you go to Toby's wife.
You plead for him.
Come back, Entwistle.
Where are you going? Not bleeding for anybody.
Plead with a P.
OK.
Sounds better than bleeding.
Play on her heartstrings, Morton.
Tell her how broken Toby is.
You see him all the time.
You know how he suffers.
She'll listen to you.
People don't normally listen to me.
Even before she left me, my wife used to ignore me.
Ignore who? You see! Glenda, I can't get the damned thing off.
What are you doing with bleach? You might well ask.
I go from executive lifestyle to opening my own bleach.
Correction - not opening.
Men are helpless.
I know.
I've got one.
And now there's a neighbour trying to make it two.
You squeeze here and here before you unscrew.
What perverted genius! Ah, good morning, Barry.
You haven't seen Morton have you? I thought he was with you.
He's always with you.
It must be a lot like being married.
Not entirely, I can assure you.
He needs a good woman.
So do we all.
But first I'd like to get back with my wife.
I hate it when you get all sentimental, Toby.
No wonder she left you.
She didn't leave.
I was the one thrown out.
I'm surprised you've lost Morton.
I find him not easy to lose.
I sent him off hours ago with a defunct vacuum cleaner.
Boys and their toys, Toby.
Life-after-marriage version.
I'm going to find Morton a woman.
Don't start that.
They'll all want one.
I'm feeling for the wheel.
I thought perhaps you might notice I'm feeling for the wheel.
Find your own wheel, Hobdyke.
Where's my foot now? Still on end of leg.
Please put it on the wheel.
Somewhere non-slip.
You'll all be lost if I'm evacuated due to injuries.
Oh, come on down, you Big Mary.
He's very nimble for his age.
What age? Ninety-four.
You'd be careful if you'd been wounded where they got me.
Where? In the Dardanelles.
The great worry was infection.
I'm not allowed to say more.
There's your target, Morton Toby's former home from which he's been ruthlessly expelled by the unfortunate circumstance Of being caught.
He told me they were merely good friends.
That was the other one.
And now he's sorry a man in pain.
Too much exercise does it every time.
In there, is the woman who secretly longs for his return.
Bring them back together, Morton.
Be the vehicle of their happiness.
I think wheel just came off.
What about Toby's vacuum cleaner? He'll be wondering where I am.
We'll see to that.
You'll be doing Toby a much greater service here.
I don't know his wife.
I don't know mine.
All these years still learning.
You should have asked my advice.
I'm an expert on women.
Me too.
Just wives are tricky.
All you'll be doing is putting in a word for Toby.
Could we ask which word? Be quiet.
I like "simultaneous".
Good word.
Could he put that in? Just put on a sad face.
Win her sympathy and then tell her how much Toby misses her.
Can't sleep.
Off his food.
He can eat for England.
Does she need to know that at this point in time? Stiffen the sinews, you've got this man's future in your hands.
I bet he drops it.
He jests.
We all have confidence in you, Morton.
Selected you for this, didn't I? From how many applicants? Approximately none.
Hand-picked you personally.
I can recognize the right man for the job when I see him.
Go, Morton.
Bring these lovebirds together again.
I'm no good with women.
Don't say that.
Only one wife left you.
One woman.
It's not a bad average.
Nobody else left you.
Although if you don't get a move on we'll leave you.
Go, Morton.
Do your duty for this neglected, bereft husband.
The man is bereft.
I can feel these things.
I know what it's like to be abandoned unwanted.
Aaaaw.
Pssst! I believe that "Pssst" is for you.
Come in, you're among friends.
The trouble is when people see you with someone they tend to think you're more than good friends.
If we are, I can't have been paying attention.
About our bicycle ride this afternoon.
A problem has arisen, in that certain people are going for a drive and I'm not sure which direction.
Did you ask? You can't be straightforward they get suspicious.
Didn't you pick up any clues? I don't think they even know where they're going.
In that case you can pop some idea into their heads.
Casually, of course.
Arouse their interest in some place worth visiting.
Then you'll know which direction.
Can you do that? I can do that.
You said you could mend my bicycle.
I was wearing shorts.
Where was I going to carry a puncture outfit? Is he proficient at repairing vacuum cleaners? He used to be Entwistle Electrics.
Washing machines not vacuum cleaners.
Electric motors, what's the difference? BANG/CRACKLING ELECTRICITY OK maybe some difference.
I was thinking of entrusting him with all my secret hi-tech gear.
What hi-tech? I've got a key ring that squawks when you shout at it.
I've got wife does that.
You plug it into the lighter socket, red indicator comes on and bingo! Our own little fryer! For those quiet moments when the action's over.
Deep-fried therapy for taught nerves.
I like it.
Does it do chips? You'll love what it does to chips.
They'll be hot for once.
I like 'em hot.
Have we got any salt? No sweet chilli? It's on my wants list.
Meanwhile you'll have to make do with these.
I miss the old helmet.
You could get a full tin of beans under that.
Come in, come in.
Pull up a place to stand in.
Your vacuum cleaner looks familiar.
Yes, we promised Morton we'd get it back to you.
He's not had an accident, has he? You can tell me.
Poor devil, is that all that's left the vacuum cleaner? He's fine.
Better than vacuum cleaner.
Just off performing a little errand of mercy I sent him on.
You'll be pleased.
He's fine.
I mean, for Morton.
Last seen fine, fit and motivated.
Did it myself.
I'm glad to hear it.
He's still got a stack of ironing.
So, where are you two heading, then? Wherever the fancy takes us.
The freedom of the open road.
I know where I'd be going if I had a chance.
The antiques fair at Colman's Mill.
That's where I'd be going.
Oh, yes.
Like a flash.
You couldn't keep me away.
Not from Colman's Mill.
Do you think he's trying to tell us something? No, it's just the freedom of the open mouth.
Help! What is it, Morton? What has Toby got you doing now? It's not Toby.
It's the former Mrs Toby.
I think I'm in trouble.
Don't you know? I'm in trouble.
It was Mr Hobdyke's idea.
Yes, that sounds like trouble.
Mr Hobdyke thought I would be the best witness to tell Toby's wife how much he misses her.
And he's right.
You've been closest to him.
So have you seen Toby's wife? Did you tell her? Yes.
Good stuff, Morton - Little Mender of Marriages.
How did she react? Well, you know how I've always wanted a friend? Well, I think I've found one.
Toby's wife? Yes.
Monica, er Mrs Mowbray-Smith.
She told me to call her Monica.
So you've found a friend.
I think that's nice.
How close a friend, Morton? I daren't tell Toby.
As close as that? So you saw my wife and told her how much I'm missing her? I did.
I really told her.
I knew he could do it.
Said so at the time.
You said you weren't good with women.
I must be better than I thought.
Told you.
I spotted that.
Looked well hidden to me.
Well, did she buy it? How did it go? Well, I, er I couldn't grumble.
As well as could be expected really.
Was she friendly? I was surprised how friendly.
Good man.
When's she having me back? I'll probably find out more this afternoon.
She insists on meeting me again.
Well done, Morton.
Not only sees her once, but twice.
I call that thorough.
You've just got to warm up your lunch and make sure you turn the oven off and wash your mucky pots.
How long are you going to be? Oh, we'll be back mid-afternoon.
It's not Colonel Fawcett's Expedition up the Amazon.
And what are your plans for today? Oh, I expect I'll just potter about the house.
And don't forget the antique's fair at Colman's Mill.
It's engraved on my ear.
Happy pottering.
Where has Morton got to? He knows how important this is to me.
Relax, Toby.
You're in sympathetic hands.
I know what loneliness is.
Once in Siberia was it a dream or was it memory returning? With you, probably dream.
Probably tall story returning.
But it's all so vivid, so real.
I was trapped that season until the ice could melt.
No living soul for two hundred miles.
Just me and this tin of sardines.
In oil or brine? Fortunately oil.
I was able to use it to prevent chapped lips.
I hate chapped lips.
I hate sardines.
Please don't say that.
They helped me to survive.
Can we forget the fish and get back to my problem? Where is Morton? He'll be here.
I expect he's getting dressed smartly for the occasion.
Quite right too.
I can't have Monica thinking I mix with the poor and needy.
Ye Gods on roller-skates! You can't go looking like that.
It might be wiser.
I'm not having you consorting with my wife in that condition.
Leave it with me.
Do something with his hair.
You're in good hands.
He knows cure for chapped lips.
Are we really going in this? How novel.
I'll put Morton in the cab.
We need to keep him looking respectable.
I'll go with him then I can brief him as we drive.
Maybe I could do all this by telephone.
No, no.
Nothing like face-to-face.
I think your legs are dyslexic.
You're like a sleepwalking giraffe.
I have to favour this leg.
It was once trapped under a sumo wrestler.
I daren't say more.
Not too near.
Not too near.
I don't want my wife to see me in this thing.
The wheel, where's the wheel? The wheel.
I'm not ready for this.
Of course you're ready.
I've briefed you thoroughly.
You should by now have a grasp of all the lies that are necessary.
Morton, who chose you for this? You did.
Then trust me.
I'm a judge of men.
You will go into that house and bring about a magical change in Toby's prospects.
You don't know the half of it.
How long is the man going to be in there? It's a good sign.
If she hasn't sent him packing straightaway.
You think he's making progress? I do.
I really do.
I owe you one for this, Hobdyke.
Please.
It's what I'm for.
It's what we do my team and I.
That's Monica.
Getting the Jag.
My Jag.
Could she be bringing it back to me? That would be a nice gesture.
I'd like that.
Come on, love, get 'int car.
You see how glad she is he's brought us back together again? Did you see that? The little ingrate! Whose idea was it to put my wife in the clutches of that that gigolo? There he goes! With not only my wife, my Jag.
Hobdyke this is your doing, Hobdyke! How was I to know, eh? How can he blame me? You do a person a favour She practically kidnapped old Morton.
I mean, I told him to look cuddly, but not that cuddly! I'm sorry, this bush is taken.
Oh, my, Mr Hobdyke.
Might one offer you a lift? I saw them from the road.
A couple sneaking in here.
And your first thought was? Exactly! I'll kill him.
Listen.
Sorry, wrong number.
I feel so embarrassed.
Well, at least you now know it's not him behind every bush.
DISTANT GROAN Listen.
Oh, hold me tight.
How about behind every second bush! Oh, no, please.
Put your arms around me, please.
Sorry.
I thought it was someone I knew.
Please, it's me.
You know me.
I wonder if you could detach me from Miss Davenport? I shouldn't be out here in sniper country.
I can't get used to finding a bush with no Howard in it.
Come on.
HE SIGHS Helping people can be trickier than people think.
I felt safer in Albania.
The women weren't as dangerous.
The beards were a great help in keeping down the emotional temperature.
Where's Toby? Gone golfing.
Where were you going? Crazy! Hop in.
We'll come with you.
How many sardines? Six.
To last you six months? I ate five slowly and kept number six.
So long, in fact, we formed a relationship.
Now the dilemma, should I eat it, or keep it for company?